私の日記

3 months

2011-08-24T04:33:00.000+08:00

不知不觉过了3个月。
我说我是不是后知后觉才写了上面那句话？

如果可以，我想要暂时离开一切。关心我的人让我感到无限压力，因为我总是想着怎么满足别人的关心。搞到自己很累，别人也很累。

我……到底想要什么？
我……看到自己的结局了吗？
我……希望在未来的一天里达到什么？
我……我……

唉，我既不为别人而活也不知如何为自己活。
早该在10年前就开始想怎么样爱自己就不会这么漫无目的的了。。。

我很不错嘛？怎么我总觉得不够好？怎么做都不够好，还是放弃了。

前途茫茫
我……我……

怎么还是没有一点进步的说？

New

2011-05-27T03:02:00.000+08:00

New job. New room. New life?

When things change, I am still unchanged...

If you hope for a different result with the same action, you're just merely insane... please count me in at this moment...

I wanted to change but change just does not come easily.

I put in extra effort and then I started to feel tired, slowly exhausted, and in the end I might give up...

Can I pull through this new challenge to gain back my life?

Bacn

2011-04-27T12:25:00.000+08:00

"email you want but not right now."
"better than spam, but not as good as a personal email"

Last working day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd

2011-04-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today is my last day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd after a period of 3 years and 11 months.

My coach told me this:
3 good points to bring with me:

Contribution - I have contributed my part towards the success of the company's new product suite.
Pride - MyBiz is able to compete with international IT giants and still win the competition!
Respect - Even though the clients are fussy at first, they respect MyBiz for the effort to make the project success!

Some points to be noted:

Ignorance of weakness - I try to use my strength to survive the competitive IT world and pretend that I do not have weaknesses and refuse to grow.
Do not satisfy with mediocre - make sure I don't fall into the vicious cycle that after a blink of an eye I realised it's 10 years passed and yet I did not achieve anything in life.

I have taken note of the points that my coach and CEO gave before I left the company.

Yes, indeed, I need to see myself growing but I am not able to make it without leaving the company.

I thank MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd for giving me the opportunity to grow and taught me great lessons that have benefited me for my future career and life.

So long, Sayonara.

Hand over report vs Manual

2011-04-20T11:01:00.000+08:00

I cannot find any prove to indicate that the hand over document has any difference from a manual.

How can a hand over report be completed in three days?!

I should've started the report since the day I tender my resignation and make it clear that no other jobs shall be given during that period of time in order for me to complete my hand over report.

Yet, this is another lesson to learn: Start your handover report from the first day of your work. This is not to ensure that you change job in the near future but it is to ensure that this report will help you and your successor to work more effectively. It is also a good way to organise a job in a structured way. By writing it down in details can also let others to review and improve each process to make the work better.

All the best with hand overs!

Looking Back 2006

2011-04-19T12:00:00.000+08:00

Recently I quit my job. In order to properly handover my current job, I went back to look for the document I did when I was a trainee in year 2006. I just cannot believe that I did such a great job back then. No wonder the company is willing to hire me when I came back after I graduate from uni in 2007.

Looking at myself now, I am not doing well. In fact, I am worse than then. What happened between 2006-2010? I seriously need to take a look back then to find out what went wrong to avoid getting into the vicious cycle again.

Some people told me I am still doing well but I myself know that I am not and I created more worries than ever to move on/forward. I used to be a person with the leadership charisma but now, I'm just a timid follower... That much of a difference I cannot believe it!

I want to be back to the confident me again...

Coincidence!!!!!

2011-03-15T23:56:00.002+08:00

I thought I haven't been posting for quite some time but it's actually 2 weeks only.

Well, today I had this most "coincident" encounter! First, in the morning the system that is going UAT has all users turned Inactive due to a batch program! **Sweat~

Then, in the evening, is where the weird comes, we went to the first place -- Paramount Loh Pan Mee, closed! Fine, we thought it was just one, so we move on to the next one, Nasi Lemak, it was relocated to the back lane + no parking, we moved on to Kampung Baru Sungai Buloh Dim Sum and closed!! Then the nearest good food is Manjalara Yong Tau Fu, we went there, closed!!! Oh! Then nearby has a Wan Tan Mee stall, we went off the car, CLOSED!!!! Walau! My friend commented, better go buy Toto sure win! No such coincident in life until 4 different places is closed on the same night!

What a Tuesday~

Migraine -> Meditation

2011-02-27T23:50:00.002+08:00

Last week, I had a migraine attack again. I went to see doctor. He didn't ask whether I was sick when I step into the room. Instead, he kept talking to me. First, he asked, are you a diabetic. Yes, I am. What are the medications you are on? And I told him the name of my medicine. That started him off. He said, you know, doctors cannot help you. I was in a shocked. What?! He continued, they can only drug you and eventually cause kidney failure on you. I was drugged! I am a drug addict now... Oh no, how did I move into this situation?!

Then he said, the only thing that can help you is meditation. Huh?! I am so confused. Why is he telling me about meditation? I didn't ask what kinda meditation is that because to me, meditation is to think about God and His word everyday. God is amazing. When nothing works, he is creative in all ways. He used this doctor to talk to me. I can only think of Him when the doctor is yada yada - ing.

Finally, after around 5 minutes of lecturing, he asked, so what's wrong with you today? My sweat almost come out! Thank God, the migraine wasn't that terrible. If I had serious migraine, I wouldn't have been vomiting at his desk. After diagnosis and prescribing, he went on again, we doctors also cannot help you with the migraine. There is no cure to it. It is only through meditation and some of my patients who tried and was cured. You think about it (meditation) and see me if you would really like to do the meditation.

I left and I got His message for me.

The Lord said, ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ in Jeremiah 33:3. This is like when you meet a friend on the street, and you are not able to talk for a long time but would really like to meet up again, you would say 'call me to meet up ya.' This time, He cannot keep quite. He knew I wouldn't do anything to help myself and He used this doctor to ask me to call to Him when I need help!

Isn't this amazing and wonderful!

I have no voice now and I really cannot call anyone to talk to but surely, God need not the physical phone. I can reach Him with my heart! He is the only one I can talk to now!

度假

2011-02-08T14:21:00.002+08:00

度假最开心的是可以什么都不做，因为住旅店都有人打理而且如果你有钱，还可以饭来张口的说！

可是，一结束就似乎从梦境中回到现实。一种无形的失落感充满全身。

有人说人生如梦，梦如人生。如果人生真的如梦，为什么没有梦境中的悠哉游哉？

祖父母

2011-01-26T13:26:00.001+08:00

前几天回到父亲的家乡——诗巫，砂拉越。

陪父亲和小叔还有小弟去扫墓。一路上山，被野草刺伤了，可是我没有停下来，一直来到祖父母的坟前。

上一次我到那里，是祖母离开世界的时候。距今大概是18-9年了。虽然，我不认识他们，但是到了坟前我还是有一种亲切的感受。我希望认识他们。祖母在我小时候照顾过我可是我太小不记得了。我心里默默许愿，希望每一年都可以回去扫墓……

谢谢他们把我的父亲、伯伯、叔叔、姑姑都养育成人。

Jeremiah 29:11

2011-01-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

What is it with this verse that keep on popping up since the end of 2010?!

教练

2010-12-27T17:07:00.002+08:00

一个对我人生很有影响的教练——林敏萍！

十年前毕业的我，从那时开始就没有见过这位亲爱的教练。她对我来说是严肃苛刻的，但是因此帮助了我在许多事上不断提醒自己不要懒散过日子、不要把别人的方便当随便、善后是很重要的！要不是当年教练的苛刻要求，也许我不会在体育方面有一番成就，也不会知道原来自己是那么的骄傲自大！

很感谢她用心的教学！只是这一份感动始终无法透过言语来表达。每次想到，就只有鼻酸，然后就什么话都说不出来了。

谢谢你，教练！

[转贴]

2010-11-22T20:14:00.003+08:00

一個男人在外工作20年，終於要回家了，老闆問他：你是要20年的工資還是要3句忠告？男人說我明天上路，明早給您答案好嗎？老闆說可以。當晚男人未眠…早晨，他對老闆說：我要3個忠告。於是老闆給他3句話。

一、不要試圖尋找不可能的捷徑，世上沒有便宜的事，只有腳踏實地才是最好的方法…無論做何事。

二、不要對明知不是好事的事過分好奇，有可能你會因此而喪命。

三、不要在衝動時做任何決定，否則這個決定就有可能成為你一輩子的遺憾。

說完老闆給男人一些錢和三個麵包，並叮囑：最大的麵包在到家後才能吃。

男人上路了…他走了好幾天…把第一個麵包吃了一半了，沒過多久遇到一個路口，他打聽：請問到**走哪條路近？路人甲：走小路吧，近。路人乙：走大路吧，安全。他迫不急待要與妻子見面，於是走了小路。走了沒多久就聽到有路人說附近鬧山賊，於是他想起了老闆的第一個忠告：不要試圖尋找捷徑。於是他回頭去走那條大路。又走了幾天，第二個麵包也吃了一部分了…他找到一家極便宜的客棧投宿。半夜聽見有女子哭聲，他睡不下。於是決定出門看看。這時他想到了第二個忠告：不要對明知不是好事的事過分好奇。於是他又睡下了。第二日起程時，店家驚道：你還活著？！他不解，遂問原由。店家說他有個瘋女兒，發病時用哭聲引人出來再將其殺害，昨晚投宿的客人只有你一個活著。男人長歎：啊…

又走了幾天，當第二個麵包吃完時他已離家不遠了。他更加激動了。天剛黑下來沒多久，他就走到了自己的村子。到家時他剛準備敲門，卻聽到屋裡有男人的聲音。他氣極了，拿起一把砍柴刀就準備沖進屋子將那男的殺掉。但這時他想到了第三個忠告：不要在衝動時做任何決定，可能這個決定會讓你後悔一輩子。於是他冷靜下來，在屋外坐了一夜。第二天早上他很早就敲開了門，妻子見他回來十分高興。但他卻很冷漠：那個男人是誰？他妻子笑曰：那是我們的兒啊…你走後沒多久我就…這時他發現這個年輕小夥竟和自己長得相似極了。父子初次見面，相擁而泣…一陣關切過後男人拿出第三個麵包準備和妻、子一齊分享…切開之後卻發現20年的工資全在裡面。所以我們做任何事都要考慮清楚否則到最後後悔的是自己!

成大事必備9種能力、9種手段、9種心態

一：沉穩

（1）不要隨便顯露你的情緒。

（2）不要逢人就訴說你的困難和遭遇。

（3）在徵詢別人的意見之前，自己先思考，但不要先講。

（4）不要一有機會就嘮叨你的不滿。

（5）重要的決定儘量有別人商量，最好隔一天再發佈。

（6）講話不要有任何的慌張，走路也是。

二：細心

（1）對身邊發生的事情，常思考它們的因果關係。

（2）對做不到位的執行問題，要發掘它們的根本癥結。

（3）對習以為常的做事方法，要有改進或優化的建議。

（4）做什麼事情都要養成有條不紊和井然有序的習慣。

（5）經常去找幾個別人看不出來的毛病或弊端。

（6）自己要隨時隨地對有所不足的地方補位。

三：膽識

（1）不要常用缺乏自信的詞句

（2）不要常常反悔，輕易推翻已經決定的事。

（3）在眾人爭執不休時，不要沒有主見。

（4）整體氛圍低落時，你要樂觀、陽光。

（5）做任何事情都要用心，因為有人在看著你。

（6）事情不順的時候，歇口氣，重新尋找突破口，就結束也要乾淨俐落。

四：大度

（1）不要刻意把有可能是夥伴的人變成對手。

（2）對別人的小過失、小錯誤不要斤斤計較。

（3）在金錢上要大方，學習三施（財施、法施、無畏施）

（4）不要有權力的傲慢和知識的偏見。

（5）任何成果和成就都應和別人分享。

（6）必須有人犧牲或奉獻的時候，自己走在前面。

五：誠信

（1）做不到的事情不要說，說了就努力做到。

（2）虛的口號或標語不要常掛嘴上。

（3）針對客戶提出的“不誠信"問題，拿出改善的方法。

（4）停止一切“不道德"的手段。

（5）耍弄小聰明，要不得！

（6）計算一下產品或服務的誠信代價，那就是品牌成本。

六：擔當

（1）檢討任何過失的時候，先從自身或自己人開始反省。

（2）事項結束後，先審查過錯，再列述功勞。

（3）認錯從上級開始，表功從下級啟動

（4）著手一個計畫，先將權責界定清楚，而且分配得當。

（5）對“怕事"的人或組織要挑明瞭說。

（6）因為勇於承擔責任所造成的損失，公司應該承擔

成大事的九種手段：

1、敢於決斷－－克服猶豫不定的習性

很多人之所以一事無成，最大的毛病就是缺乏敢於決斷的手段，總是左顧右盼、思前想後，從而錯失成功的最佳時機。成大事者在看到事情的成功可能性到來時，敢於做出重大決斷，因此取得先機。

2、挑戰弱點－－徹底改變自己的缺陷

人人都有弱點，不能成大事者總是固守自己的弱點，一生都不會發生重大轉變；能成大事者總是善於從自己的弱點上開刀，去把自己變成一個能力超強的人。一個連自己的缺陷都不能糾正的人，只能是失敗者！

3、突破困境－－從失敗中撮成功的資本

人生總要面臨各種困境的挑戰，甚至可以說困境就是“鬼門關”。一般人會在困境面前渾身發抖，而成大事者則能把困境變為成功的有力跳板。

4、抓住機遇－－善於選擇、善於創造

機遇就是人生最大的財富。有些人浪費機遇輕而易舉，所以一個個有巨大潛力的機遇都悄然溜跑，成大事都是絕對不允許溜走，並且能縱身撲向機遇。

5、發揮強項－－做自己最擅長的事情

一個能力極弱的人肯定難以打開人生局面，他必定是人生舞臺上重量級選手的犧牲品；成大事者關於在自己要做的事情上，充分施展才智，一步一步地拓寬成功之路。

6、調整心態－－切忌讓情緒傷害自己

心態消極的人，無論如何都挑不起生活和重擔，因為他們無法直面一個個人生挫折，成大事者則關於高速心態，即使在毫無希望時，也能看到一線成功的亮光。

7、立即行動－－只說不做，徒勞無益

一次行動勝過百遍心想。有些人是“語言的巨人，行動的矮子”，所以看不到更為實際現實的事情在他身上發生；成大事者是每天都靠行動來落實自己的人生計畫的。

8、善於交往－－巧妙利用人力資源

一個人不懂得交往，必然會推動人際關係的力量。成大事者的特點之一是：善於靠借力、借熱去營造成功的局勢，從而能把一件件難以辦成的事辦成，實現自己人生的規劃。

9、重新規劃－－站到更高的起點上

人生是一個過程，成功也是一個過程。你如果滿足于小成功，就會推動大成功。成大事者懂得從小到大的艱辛過程，所以在實現了一個個小成功之後，能繼續拆開下一個人生的“密封袋”。

可以講任何一種手段，都可以導致一種結果，但這個結果是不是最佳的結果，恐怕就很難說了。成大事者總是選擇最佳的手段，達到最完善的結果，這就是非一般人所能做到的。因此在成功之路上，你要想成大事，首先要解決的問題就是：你的手段對你推動成功的計畫是否立竿見影！

Lesson to learn

2010-11-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.

Things we don't want to know but have to learn.

and people we can't live without but have to let go.
~ JJ - Criminal Minds S6E2 ~

Why workaholic me...

2010-11-01T10:50:00.003+08:00

Now, according to some article, we humans have two major kinds of personality -- Type A and Type B. Referring to the article that I read "A and B Personality Types"(http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/AB.html)

I think I am more Type A than Type B. When I read on, I found the following which is the workaholic side of me is actually a self-destructive tendency.

Self-destructive tendancies:

over-working
gorging on high-fat foods
overuse of stimulants
low levels of exercise
high alcohol intake
smoking
no time for self care

works during vacations
over-plan vacation's activities
works in bed
inability to relax/be unproductive
fails to notice beauty/scenery/'smell the flowers'
over-schedule themselves
over-committed
guilt over relaxing
always works more than eight hours a day
sits on edge of chairs
make fists
clench jaws
taps fingers
jiggles legs
rapid blinks
never still

Those highlighted in red are things that I do.

'Workaholic'

recreation only with friends from work
better communication at work than at home
organized hobbies
work as a substitute for intimate contacts
reading is all work related
work late more than peers do
when awakened thoughts go to work
live by deadlines and quotas
creates unnecessary deadlines

I think I really messed up my life with all the things mentioned above. I need a way out so that I live freely from bondage of my work.

Steps to freedom are fearful. I wonder if I would be able to continue...

Now I understand how the Israelite felt when they left Egypt for Canaan Land.

Am I going to obey and continue walking and trust that God will provide everything that I need? I will try my very best...

你不知道的事

2010-10-26T00:29:00.001+08:00

最近这首歌很入心。是的，多的是我不知道的事。

胡思乱想

2010-09-07T22:44:00.002+08:00

又开始在想，我到底为什么写blog？我知道这只是“先有鸡还是先有蛋”式，没完没了的问题，却无法禁止脑海里这无止境的挣扎。

思想，是我最好的帮助也是令我最困扰的一件事。想着好的，日子过得轻松自在；掉进无止境的问题里，我总是无法自拔。

今天，老毛病又犯了。我无法控制的留下来。留在我不应该逗留的地方。离开比留下更让我恐惧不安。有人听见我痛苦的呐喊吗？似乎连我自己都听不见了。这么习惯地重复着痛苦的恶性循环，我早已对自己的痛苦感到麻木。似乎不痛苦才是不寻常。这不正证明了我被虐待的倾向吗？哈哈哈。

我想约人去吃晚餐，想想，不知道要吃什么、对方不一定得空、就算得空也不见得想要吃我想吃的、就算想要吃我想吃的也不一定有时间一起去吃、就算想吃也有时间也不一定方便……很多很多的胡思乱想，最终独自一人逼不得已啃着饼干优格。在甜、咸、酸、脆之中解决了晚餐。

如果有机会，我想放下工作，然后无所事事一阵子。毫无储蓄的我如何可以无所事事的生存呢？无所事事只不过是变相的懒惰吧。我还是赶快打消此念头的好。

循规蹈矩只是变相的墨守成规。

小心翼翼也只是胆却、没有勇气接受挑战的另一种解释。

如此，不负责任难道不是潇洒吗？毫无约束难道不是有弹性吗？随心所欲难道不是自由吗？

如果别人连骂你都不想了难道你不可怜吗？

今晚可以高歌“今天不回家”吗？有人愿意陪我吃宵夜吗？答案是，不可以。如果你有勇气打电话的话也许有机会找到一个人，但是我没有勇气。

我可以开车一路向北吗？一直走到我筋疲力尽为止……

雨下一整晚，好久不见的你说了再见才发现再也见不到。搭上时光机跨时代去找你。这些不能说的秘密都记录在爱的飞行日记里。自导自演，这说好的幸福呢？千里之外上演着这场最长的电影，嘲笑我的黑色幽默。我以为白色风车是我们蒲公英的约定地点。没想到菊花台上阳光宅男正穿着你亲手编织的黑色毛衣。蓝色风暴中岂能找到彩虹？夜曲犹如四面楚歌环绕着我，震耳欲聋！我的心好像断了的弦，静止无声。回到过去才发现最后的战役已经谱上了止战之殇。想要你给我一首歌的时间，但是我徘徊在爱情悬崖始终开不了口。

爸，我回来了。回到我的地盘，乔克叔叔对我说，“傻孩子，超人不会飞，你还是乖乖听妈妈的话吧。”

夜的第七章——终结。流浪诗人在迷迭香的花海里刻暗号。

这一切记录在半岛铁盒里，安静的躺在威廉古堡深处的角落。

上海一九四三。世界末日。魔术先生在我眼前施法，我看见了你比从前快乐……

突发奇想，写了上面的故事。这样的结局，难过唯美吗？也只不过是我胡思乱想的并凑。为这篇文章画上美好的休止符。

New Blog Look

2010-08-13T15:33:00.000+08:00

I like my new blog look! Thanks the template creator, Josh Peterson!

有些。。。

2010-08-13T10:26:00.002+08:00

有些生命故事看了百遍依然感动落泪；
有些好音乐听了千遍仍然安慰人心；
有些真理记在心里，思考万遍总是有新发现。

Car Accident

2010-07-16T12:01:00.002+08:00

I met with a car accident 3 nights ago. It was a minor car accident but several things I learned from it:

My Heavenly Dad loves me. He had one of His angels -- Angel to pray for me.
My dad loves me very much. He understand that I am like him, who will feel anxious in such situation and keep reminding me to calm down.
I drive carelessly due to unconscious driving. My mind was wandering while driving.
No snacks in car. If you are hungry, get to the nearest rest station and have something before you move on.
I shall not overwork and drive.
I need to relax.
Finally, do not do anything under unhealthy stress.

I shall train myself to leave work early and think no more about work when I am not in the office.

This car accident wasn't just some incident. I think is my Daddy calling me from above. Take heed lest you fall.

Relax

2010-07-16T11:59:00.001+08:00

A little instrumental music + a cup of fresh brewed coffee + a good book + a timeless afternoon

东窗事发

2010-07-14T05:27:00.002+08:00

第三次了。我在车上睡觉已经是第三次了。可是，这次我泊在后巷，居然在凌晨五点钟有人来敲窗，让我把引擎关上因为吵到他们睡觉。我有一百个不明白，可是后来我决定离开，想了一下，就回到公司来。同事说，公司才是我的第一个家，我想这话是对的。

昨晚，在开车时一直想东西，结果心不在焉撞到了在交通灯前无辜的受害者。我只知道当时我很饿，很累，一心想回公司把工作完成然后回家。不想，却发生了悲剧。不单要给别人赔偿，自己的车子也需要修理。最后我还是回到公司工作，打了电话让同事来帮忙看看车子。后来，还是工作到了半夜，妈妈打电话来教训了我一顿。是的，我是该被骂一顿了。工作到凌晨一点左右，收拾好了离开。回到住处，发现停满了车子，只有后巷可以停泊。我想说，没事，就把车停在后巷。不想，又发生了不愉快的结局。

我该怎么办？足不出户还是避免开车或者把公司当成家还是……

前两次，车子泊在屋旁的小巷子没事，今天却发生了这样的事。最终我还是必须回答这个问题：“为什么选择在车上过夜？”我只能够说，回去睡觉而不洗澡室友会不喜欢，冲凉又会吵到另一个室友。归根究底，我干嘛一开始就选择留在公司到深夜？我还是放不下吗？自己曾经也说过工作是做不完的，何必为了工作而忽略了其他的事情呢？

渐渐发现，我在许多方面都有问题，而且已经成为问题了的问题。就比如说，心理不平衡是正常的，但是心理不平衡而开始杀人那就是问题了。所以我的问题已经发展成后者般严重了。工作不敢拿假期，除非有什么事务在身比如圣诞节节目练习；和室友同住不敢睡觉不先洗澡，虽然还是有几次；乱花钱导致严重不够支付生活费而需要挨饿或者在公司和热饮；精神不集中，开车撞倒别的车子；不会做的工作不敢问，似乎还怕别人用“你烦不烦啊”的眼神回答我的问题，……

很多很多理不清的问题，大大小小影响着我的生活。开车怕车祸，回家怕室友，工作怕眼色，……什么时候开始，我变成这样贪生怕死的兔崽子了？

人家说我们做事应当出于爱就万事OK。可是我做事就是出于害怕吧，不然我想我应该换工/换环境了。在这里工作了三年却不觉得自己有什么长进反而笨了、怕了。尤其是有权利的人。比如今天早上的敲窗事件，到底我是应该道歉还是应该告诉他我也是在尝试睡觉？可怜的我连这样都要问……

千万不要问我，你还好吗？我的答案大概是不知道。好是怎么定义的呢？经过这些事会好吗？反过来问，经过这些事就不会好吗？

最后，我想问，我为了什么写这一些还放上网？是想让别人知道我的近况、想法？那我为什么不找个朋友来说说？嗯，屈指一数，朋友到底有几个？我不知道。不是多到不知道，而是不知道谁才是朋友……向我这等人，怎么还能够活到今天？这难道还不是神迹吗？

记忆中的美好

2010-07-12T17:25:00.002+08:00

今天，趁老板出差，忙里偷闲。浏览了面子书，看到了一些很旧的照片，也略略翻阅了一些同学的照片。嗯，这一切一切不就是我记忆中的美好片段吗。

虽然校友内疚在工作时间作私事，可是我已经失去了这一片记忆在过去整整一个月里。沉寂在一堆永远做不完的工作里，差一点就透不过气了。

这星期好像也拿一天假期，就在家里看书。把那些早该看完的好书认真的看完，然后再买新的:)

从工作狂的生活里走出来，我似乎感受到了活人的气息，我好想好好活。帮助我，让我每一天都在记忆中留下美好的时刻。但愿你成为我记忆中的美好。

工作狂人 2

2010-07-08T14:20:00.003+08:00

你知道吗，工作狂可以不吃不喝，只为了工作。甚至不在乎所有的一切只有工作。

虽然如此，我已经厌弃了这样的生活。我想等我还清车子的贷款，我就会想要离开一下。找回自己。

工作狂人是应该对工作狂热而不是麻木……

是那源源不绝的要求让我无法透气。

对于上司的一句谢谢开始觉得厌烦。一句谢谢就要了我的命吗？我呸！

工作狂人开始有自毁倾向，这……是征兆吗？离开的征兆……

工作狂人

2010-05-14T01:58:00.002+08:00

近来，我又开始工作狂的生活。到底是工作真的很多，还是我刻意要留下来？
是我不懂得分配时间还是任时间支配？

Map to MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd

2010-05-12T19:38:00.002+08:00

View Larger Map

对自己要有耐心

2010-04-28T20:40:00.002+08:00

「严以律己，宽以待人」

这一直都是我做人的道理。随意任人犯我亦忍气吞声。今天，我却读到「对自己要有耐心」！原来我的严以律己，忘了给自己一点宽容，忘了我只是一个人这个事实。

虽要严谨生活却不该忘记我们不是与属世的争战而是属灵的。人岂能靠自己胜任？

All I Need Is You

2010-03-26T10:37:00.000+08:00

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord
© 2005 Cbs/Epic/Wtg Records

What is love? n What is marriage ?

2010-03-23T10:17:00.000+08:00

A student asks a teacher: What is love?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.
The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person

The student asked: What is marriage then?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. this is marriage

Be courteous to all , but intimate with few , and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

Come Holy Spirit

2010-03-18T11:53:00.001+08:00

Precious Cross 宝贵十架 by Stream of Praise 赞美之泉

2010-03-16T09:58:00.002+08:00

Original Music Video

Enlarged Lyrics (the singing is clearer)

敬拜讚美專輯 11 寶貴十架 Stream of Praise Praise and Worship album 11 "Precious Cross"

Lyrics:

Precious Cross 宝贵十架 （bao gui shi jia）

Verse 1:

主耶稣我感谢你
zhu ye su wo gan xie ni
Thank you Lord, You died for me

你的身体为我而舍
ni di shen ti wei wo er she
With love, You gave Your life for me

带我出黑暗进入光明国度
dai wo chu hei an jin ru guang ming guo du
Brought me from darkness into the world of light

使我再次能看见
shi wo zai ci neng kan jian
Opened my eyes to see

Verse 2:

主耶稣我感谢你
zhu ye su wo gan xie ni
Praise Your Lord, Your love for me

你的宝血为我而流
ni di bao xue wei wo er liu
Your blood of grace flows over me

宝贵十架上一直恩典涌流
bao gui shi jia shang yi zhi en dian yong liu
Your tender mercy pours down from Calvary

使我完全得自由
shi wo wan quan de zi you
Your love has set me so free

Chorus:

宝贵十架的大能赐我生命
bao gui shi jia di da neng ci wo sheng ming
The precious cross, by its pow’r I am set free

主耶稣我俯伏敬拜你
zhu ye su wo fu fu jing bai ni
With my all, I worship at Your feet

宝贵十架的救恩是你所立的约
bao gui shi jia di jiu en shi ni suo li di yue
Your saving grace, so secure in this promise of old

你的爱永远不会改变
ni di ai yong yuan bu hui gai bian
It’s Your love unchanging for me

Powerpoint can be downloaded from the SOP website: http://www.sopmedia.com/powerpoint/trad_bi/04_%20precious_cross_bi.ppt

好好恋爱

2010-03-12T17:08:00.001+08:00

Lyrics:

(孩子)﹕我的天父可否讓我好好地談戀愛

不再流淚不再傷痛不再聚合又要分開

我的天父我只想要安穩地找個人來愛

請讓我知道那個人在不在

(天父)﹕我的孩子難道你忘記了我就是愛

學懂愛我學懂愛你自己你就懂好好戀愛

我的孩子何不嘗試安靜的慢慢去等待

你就會知道那個人在不在

(天父)﹕你是否願意相信

每時每刻都在我手裹

沒有事情是太早或是太遲

(孩子)﹕愛我的主我願意相信

萬事萬物都在你手裹

請教我順服你的旨意

Understanding vs Ignorance

2010-03-10T17:40:00.001+08:00

Understanding how something works makes living with it easier, whereas lack of understanding and ignorance promote fear and superstition and make us more critical of others. A birdwatcher does not study birds so that he can shoot them down and keep them as trophies.

~ Allan Pease, Body Language

爱和全世界

2010-02-02T18:17:00.000+08:00

拖泥。水瓶里的笨蛋 ~~~Aquarious0119: 跌落凡间的天使

故事里说，天使再也不能飞回天堂是因为它对人世间的某个人产生了爱意，沉重的爱意让它的翅膀再也不能扇动，再也回不去了。它放弃曾经拥有的，来换取一份它不能拥有的。

这样的一份爱到底该多沉重，才能让一个人放弃原本的东西呢？

我可以放弃什么来拥有你？没人问过我。我也没想过。

我真的不知道。

你是我拥有最好的，所以我不知道我还能有什么可以放弃。

我看了以上分享，心里一直想着这句话：“我可以放弃什么来拥有你？”

以前，我以为全世界就真的只有你。然而，当我发现原来自己是井底之蛙以后，我学会了放手。离开执着、自私的心，我看到了蓝色的天空。

如果我是天使，我会后悔放弃了全世界之为了爱一个人。爱不应该让我失去一切，而是让我学习在不完美中接受我们的不同。

Printer? Toaster?

2009-12-29T16:56:00.001+08:00

Wow! This is so the cool!

http://asia.cnet.com/crave/2009/12/22/toaster-looks-like-printer-behaves-like-one/?scid=nl_c_dp

I wonder if they can print something else on the toasted area? :-P

Women, you need strength training!

2009-12-26T18:00:00.001+08:00

http://www.quakeroats.ca/en/oats-and-you/for-your-health/womens-health/the-benefits-of-strength-training-for-women.aspx

天空 · Sky

2009-11-05T12:40:00.000+08:00

我喜欢天空。

瞻仰天空，他总是在云的另一端。

虽然我看不见他的脸孔，可是我知道他在看顾着我。领我走过死荫的幽谷，总不撇下丢弃我。

我时常偏行己路，他却常保护。

他住在天上，云的另一端。

他是爱我的天父 <3

Happiness

2009-10-22T00:29:00.002+08:00

How? (Typical C (DISC) Type)

I was asked, "What makes you happy?"

I have no idea!?

What do you do that would make you happy? I don't know. Deep down in my heart, I really don't know.

I smile when I watch drama, laugh at those jokes, cry when the scenes are touching but what makes me happy?

I can never make myself happy. The only thing I know is when other people recognised what I do is correct and accept it, I am happy. But most of the time, I only blame myself for not being able to do something that makes the other person happy.

I couldn't just walk away from depression... these mood swings is causing my life!

May be it's time to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

Tomorrow is a new beginning and I hope to open up my eyes to see a bright future :-)

Hero . Surrender . Love

2009-10-21T16:22:00.002+08:00

"There's a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don't have to be afraid of what you are..."

"Surrender all you have."

"For My love is sufficient to sustain you."

These are thought I have until this moment of the day. Why? There are changes in my life. Every time when something changes, I get anxiety attack. I get so worried about why it changes and make too quick a decision I regret later. The uncertainty after the change makes me more worried than ever.

I kept hearing my mind singing "Hero". I saw a blogger blogged about Surrender. I know the love of God is sufficient to sustain mine and everyone else's life. But I am just so anxious. May be I am a control freak. I cannot let things go hay wire or ahead of me. I felt insecure.

I have a Hero who would die for me yet I did not surrender myself fully to Him to receive His wonderful and abundant Love. I just don't know why. I kept some part of me to myself.

I am in the middle of a journey to believe I can live only by His grace and trust only Him. As long as He never give up on me, I should never give up. Wen told me to put some confidence in this. As far as I believe He is my protector and hero, I will one day get to the place where I believe He is all I live for.

Laugh of the day!

2009-10-20T18:06:00.001+08:00

甲：你年薪多少?
乙：800万.
甲：那一个月有80万哦!
乙：是的,这是基本工资.
甲：不错嘛,做什么的?
乙：做梦的......

1、"代沟"就是我问老爸觉得"菊花台"怎么样,他说没喝过
2、"自恋"就是下辈子我一定要投胎做女人,然后嫁个象我这样的男人
3、"无语"就是法官问:你为什么印假钞? 罪犯说:真钞我不会印。
4、"绝望"就是饭馆吃饭点了两菜,吃第一个:"世上还有比这更难吃的吗？！"吃第二个"靠！还真有!
5、"崩溃"就是，一位老太太走进ＫＦＣ,对服务员说：我要一个肯德基,一个麦当劳，还要一个比萨。
6、"白领"- 今天发了薪水，还了贷款,交了房租、水电煤气费，买了油、米和泡面，摸摸口袋剩下的钱，感叹一声：这月工资又白领了。
7、"蓝领" - 工头说快到发工资的时间了，一算自己的住宿费，伙食费，误工费，医药费，还欠老板100多，也就懒得去领了，叫蓝领.

Adapted from http://laozhabor.blogspot.com/2009/10/happy-mid-autumn-festival.html

You could have long gone.

2009-10-19T17:41:00.002+08:00

Have you heard of this?

I have. In fact, I heard it mostly from direct sales agent. Why? Because they always testify to others saying that you could have long gone if you have not use our product.

Sounds true to me. I could have long gone if I haven't know Jesus Christ when I was going to be 12. A traumatic event could have sent me to the edge of committing suicide or a bad friendship could have lead me to become a drug addict and eventually die of using.

I should be grateful and I am but there is something keeping me from enjoying the joy of this revelation...

Yet, let me repeat, "I could have long gone, if I have not known Jesus Christ!"

Life . Change . Maintain

2009-10-14T11:02:00.003+08:00

Ever since being diagnosed with diabetes, I started taking the med. I have no idea how these med are going to help but eventually my glucose level has been brought down near to normal level.

I now have to monitor my meals, make sure I eat right, sleep right and exercise right to maintain my health in order to prolong my life on earth. I have realised one thing in this process. Not even drugs can change anything over night. It is a process itself.

There are so many areas of my life which has not grown into maturity. They stay as it is since teenage until now. I had wished before that there would be one kind of drugs that can immediately change everything to new but there is no such thing eh.

Change is a process of life that no one can escape. Whether you like it or not, when situation changes, you'll be forced to change as well. Sometimes we fail; other times, we move on. Anyhow, we have to get back on track to make life better. It is not something we can not do and still progress. Change is the progress.

No matter how grateful I am back to life, nothing changed. I still need to work, I still face stress from work and all sorts of circumstances that forced me to make decisions. I still need to take the drugs to control my blood sugar, I still am not able to take breakfast because of the nauseous feeling in the morning.

However, I am alive! I need to maintain life by maintaining the changes I need to go through and overcome the obstacles that stop me from changing.

I have realised one thing. No matter how bad I have been, God still loves me. He never change and He maintained it that way all the time. We change so that we become more like Him and do things that pleases Him.

Although I sin, His grace is sufficient. When I fall down, He helped me up. He brought sunlight to my life and angels to kept me from falling. Have I not felt His presence?

The thing is, I have always fail to change to maintain life. I have failed Him not once but many times. I worried if He would turn away from me but I know He will not at least for now. Even if I purposely hurt Him by sinning against Him, He still comes and hugs me and said, "My daughter, that hurts but I still love you. " How much more I can run away from His abundant love? How far can I run to not see Him? No way. No way I am going to run away from all these changes I need to make.

The med, the exercise, the diet plan, the stress in life, the good and bad situations, the strong and weak part of me, they all need to change. Life is all about changing into a better person and to maintain it so that you know it's not by your strength that you can achieve it but by the hands of God who never change that mold you into a pleasant container of His love.

Coming back from Death

2009-10-12T10:10:00.003+08:00

Hi,

I have been grateful to be alive.

The underwater fining, drifting, photographing makes the whole trip filled with joy. I'm having sea sick now. How I wish I am a fish that will not get sea sick and can stay underwater as long as I want. Nevertheless, I'm back. I was not hurt at all just not used to the "wavy" lifestyle on and in the sea.

Every dive, I was nervous. Every dive is dangerous to me. God protected me. Even the fish did not harm me. We'd enjoyed ourselves with our bosses, colleagues. What a wonderful experience we had.

We celebrated our COO's birthday there and had a sarung party that night! Wow, now that I think back, it was so cool to be able to celebrate birthday in a different way. May be next time he'll get his birthday celebration underwater with the sarung as well!

I was extremely exhausted when I reach home. I guess this is the peer pressure the doctor told me. I was forcing myself to do things I may not even think about in the first place. However, it was an enjoyable trip because from there I see all the colleagues are careful with me, the dive master always turn around to make sure I'm ok (or may be she was trying to see if everyone is ok). Anyway, everybody knows what I'm going through and was careful not to force me into anything too much for my body. They even care about what I eat for my meals. I was scolded when I took nasi lemak in the morning on the day back. I was thinking that it was alright since we're going home and I haven't been tasting their food. But they were concern and told me it wasn't right to let loose of control.

Well, it was a wonderful trip for me and I will never forget the experience even if I don't get to dive again. At least, the warmth from the concern and care of the colleagues and bosses were all over me. I am grateful to be alive!

If there is one thing I can do in the future, I would want to go dive without getting sea sick. Then I can enjoy a few days of fishes, sea water, sand, beaches, sun, the breeze from the sea, the stress-less moments, and feel God's been watching me from the sky above.

It was raining the night we departed from KL to Terengganu. We were hoping it will be sunny in the morning the next day. Thank God, it started raining only after we have completed all 5 dives and took our underwater photographs.

I just don't know how to express but I'm grateful to be back and alive and still in one piece!

Yeah~ breathing becomes one of the most exciting thing to do on land!

Life is but grateful after you realised living is the greatest thing on earth!

Death

2009-10-08T09:10:00.002+08:00

I have never felt so near to death. For the first time, I decided to do something which is adventurous and dangerous due to my health condition.

Diving.

My company is organising a diving certification trip to Redang. I did not get doctor's consent but am very excited to go. However, due to certain health condition, there was a time I almost give up. Once I am in the pool, I felt like going to dive again.

So, today is the day we are departing to Redang. Dead or alive, I called it. I even sent an email to my dearest friends to inform them of my leaving and told them that could be my last words. I called my mom and dad and sis last night to tell them about my trip and it sounded like saying goodbye.

Don't take me wrong. I wasn't going to say goodbye but am preparing for any emergency cases. I am still looking forward to an appointment 2 weeks later. However, with the mind of everything is going to end soon, I feel more energetic to complete the things I'm suppose to do. It's a wonderful feeling. I guess that is why we are told to live like today is the last day you get to live and then you will do your best and enjoy the most of out life.

I was told I will meet Him -- my dearest Daddy there under the sea. If I get to dive, I suppose all His wonders will be unfolded in front of my eyes! I felt loved. I know even if I don't really feel it, He still loves me and will continue to love me no matter how rebellious I become.

Well, just to make sure I leave something behind if I can't do this again, I'd like to tell you, Jesus love you and me. No matter what, His love never ceased!

Journey of Faith - The starting point

2009-09-18T09:31:00.002+08:00

If I were to start off a journey, I won't do it by myself. I have not enough ability to do it alone. I have friends who encouraged me along the way and people who cares enough to lend me their time and ears. Good people who share good advice and finally the good Lord who never forsake me.

At the very least, I have admitted that I need a doctor and look for one and found one. It is just the beginning. There are many more challenges I have never wanted to pursue in front of me but I cannot deny that those are the things that I need to do to be healed/cured from the disease. Or, I can choose to stay at this very point and sink like a ship, which I do not want to do that anymore.

So, I have to trained my physical body to be fit all the time and my keep myself psychologically healthy to prolong the journey of faith. May be I will succeed or fail but at least I tried to be successful instead of running away again this time.

Thank God for the courage and I pray that He who have strengthen me will continue to have mercy on me until I am fit for His kingdom.

Diary 20090910

2009-09-10T14:33:00.002+08:00

Once again, that stress overwhelmed. I could not bear. I cannot accept the comment that says, "Do you know what is priority? Why can't you finish your work?" So, does priority means I can kill myself just to deliver what you want?

May be I should just admit and say, "Yes, sir. I cannot finish my work. Can you take over or have someone take over?" It's hard to take people's disappointment but I think it's time to just let them disappoint them let my life beheaded in their hands.

The next time this issue arise, I shall not hesitate and admit my fault and ask for someone else to do it. I can't. I just can't.

Error 80071392: We can't sign you in to Windows Live Messenger

2009-08-26T15:35:00.002+08:00

When you see this message, it is possible you have more than one messenger program running on your computer, trying to sign in with the same account (especially when you checked the check box to allow messenger to sign in automatically).

You may do this to resolve the problem:

Press Ctrl + Alt + Del to open Task Manager.
find and End Process for all msnmsgr.exe in the Task Manager.
Start Windows Live Messenger. You should be able to sign in now!

Happy trying!

Pandemic Panic

2009-08-21T17:37:00.002+08:00

Life's short and we ought to live well.

One of the guy in my project office was diagnosed with H1N1. I have to be thankful the virus did not spread. I stayed at home to work. Just to prevent from being infected and spreading the virus.

I am ok til now.

No one knows what is going to happen tomorrow. May be tomorrow I discover I have some kinda weird disease and is going to die soon but that's just another revelation of life.

=====

Life's about live it out well.

孤独 · 面对

2009-08-18T15:22:00.002+08:00

梦醒时分，朦胧的阳光；萎缩在被单里不敢露出脚丫。
夜悄悄来到，放大了虫鸣的寂静；逃避在戏剧里不敢回到现实。

Sad Cloudy August 11, 2009

2009-08-11T17:40:00.002+08:00

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

2009-08-11T17:29:00.003+08:00

Recently I fell in love with this song

I was kept down and blinded. Just like all those who are in love. The difference is mine is not of love but the difficult situations of life is keeping me down...

Lyrics | Sara Bareilles lyrics - Gravity lyrics

Bones

2009-07-18T14:56:00.001+08:00

It has just become my favorite American series!

Love

2009-07-15T20:12:00.003+08:00

I started to wonder about love again. Sometimes, we just say we love this someone someone or we love else one. But what is love really?

Is doing something means love? No. That's the action of love.
Is not doing something love? No. That's being nice.

So, what is love exactly?

May be I'm too rational and I couldn't feel any love at all... that's why marriage is such a dream for a person like me.

I spend a lot of time thinking but in the end the conclusion is null. Human love can change at anytime, how am I suppose to keep my promise during the wedding vow? Therefore, to make no further mistakes, I'd rather keep myself out of marriage (failure).

Marriage

2009-07-15T20:08:00.002+08:00

I don't get it. Why two people were in love for such a long time and didn't want to get married but yet they were involved in pre-marital sex and had to get married in the end because the woman is pregnant!

I just can't figure it out.

That's part of the reason I'm resisting any serious relationships... I think any pro-longed relationships can caused the scenario I mentioned above which I think is going to hurt the marriage and the child in the stomach actually knows...

What if you're the baby with such condition of the parents? You'll never ever get to grow normally because deep in your subconscious, you always know, you're the undesired one who caused a "look-like" happy marriage. Sad, isn't it?

Computer Starters Must Know

2009-07-09T17:01:00.003+08:00

If you are a newbie to the computer world. Make sure you know this:
How to be a better computer user

Do not complaint later that your computer becomes so inefficient and unproductive.. It's all your own fault!

Classic Example of Browser Toolbars

2009-07-09T16:59:00.002+08:00

Nokia - The power to last longer

2009-07-06T11:07:00.002+08:00

Now I know why Nokia is the most expensive brand in the olden days and still many people opt to get one. At least they are still "alive" today compare to other brands.

Friendship

2009-07-04T13:03:00.002+08:00

First of all, I am weird. So, it is not a surprise to have weird friends.

There is one friend. You can guess in the end whether is he or she.

X is my friend. A weird friend. How weird is X? When I first met X, I notice X is very friendly, outspoken. I thought X would be pretty nice to befriend with but due to my fear of relationships, we never become friends until later. Another friend of mind always hang out with X and we met one night and that was a start of this @@ friendship. Everything seems well when we only meet at night once in a while to have dinner or supper.

We actually had some good time but over time, X's attitude caught some attention. Some of my friends advised me not to be too nice with X because X seems to be "using" me. I didn't care too much and didn't feel like X is "using" me.

Although some of my friends felt unfair for me but we still think that X would be a good companion for a trip together. During the trip, something happened. X is not sporty enough and that makes the whole trip sunk into a tension boycotting mess.

Immediately after the trip, we didn't talk about this but the whole group of friends seemed to have a mutual understanding that X is not a buddy to hang out with and slowly none of the events organised have X in the invitation list.

I don't know how to say this but I felt quite tired in between. I felt like why can't X give me a break? I think may be X didn't know X's problem and didn't change.

I don't want to care anymore. From now on, X is weird and let X have the X power continue to rule X's world but my world is going to come clean from X's power and territory. I will be very clear and very straight forward. If things just didn't work out between me and X, then I guess I have to sing Mariah Carey's hit song "Bye Bye" to X. I always use the word "c ya" to indicate that we will see each other again but to hear bye bye from me it's really hoping we will not meet again.

Anyway, I haven't figure out how to make this clear to X. I thought I could hope that X felt what we are doing to X and will ask me why and how but nothing from X. I think X is just ignorant about all we are doing.

I am weird, X is weird. We just am different in this weird world. I guess, I have my own friends and X deserver to have X's full stop.

Insecurity

2009-07-03T18:08:00.002+08:00

I have serious security problems.

I am insecure. So insecure, I just want to be isolated!

If I'm rich enough, I'd stay in a confined asylum room. I think I'm crazy and by thinking this, I am really crazy. Who thinks themselves are crazy?

I'm crazy.

You know the feeling of insecure? so insecure, you think when you hold your fist you just feel nothing!

I felt die to the world... do you care? No one cares! I don't care! Can I just stay up whole night and let myself nearer to the end of my life?

Stressful

2009-07-03T17:54:00.002+08:00

A stressful life does not do me any good. I think my sugar level is too high and is causing my irritating stress.

if I have a chance to shout, I'd... I don't know what would I do. I don't normally try to do something that is harmful to other people for example irritate their ears.

I'd want to make sure all things are done perfectly but all things are not in perfect shape!

I've lost people to talk to. They just think I'm an idiot and I am. I am so imperfect and that irritates me!

Argh! Can I have a room with broadband connection with high bandwidth and I just stay there watch all the American drama series and just die there?

I just don't know why others live and for what they live?
laskdjf;lksjfowieokj;lfng;lkeaer;ogi343t

rubbish...a;klsdjf;lksjd;flkajd;flohewrtoingkgjnouiu3hrub2kijbrkijhaiufh9ashkljzbkxcbiuwheiruhqwjebt2iu8019u34kjn

No one care because I don't care.

So what's for dinner? what's for breakfast? what's for lunch? or should I have nothing for all of the above? Argh...

;aslkdjjf;oksneoh2ior
asdkjfnhoihsonwbtoh4ir2j1
kjwno2h482kjn1oh4018ujhlknxlckvhjlaj
kbnikubiuubtibjnbfuyghuhyvnkijbwfkf
bksbdfiuharthh

argh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Relationships

2009-07-03T10:18:00.003+08:00

I think nowadays BGR is no longer the heat story but GGR/BBR. However, the questions I had in mind is still about this BGR problem people faced.

I have a male friend, who likes a gal and willing to pursue her as his gf. He hasn't succeed yet. I felt that the gal has nothing romantic with him but he is like so infactuated with her, he was so upset she went out with a guy for dinner. Come on, they have nothing more than normal friendship...
-_-|||

Today, when I was having my morning bath, I think through a lot of things. One thing I had to admit, I have a serious relationship problem. I don't like to build relationships. I don't like people. I don't like guys and I don't like gals. Oh, have to mention, I don't like trans as well. I just don't like anyone. People used up my energy, power, time, everything and in the end what I have is just alone in the solitary night.

Well, may be it's the facts that people has been writing about relationships making me felt worse about being in a relationship. I do many things just out of obligation, not because I wanted to do them, I just do them. Like any soldiers of loyalty, they receive order and complete the mission without questions.

I kept thinking if one day I die, I will have no one to attend my wake service, my burial service and I just left alone for the bugs, the soil and the crops to consume by life-less body. I just felt no excitment about life about things I want to do, about all the most interesting things I've ever done before like love to play basketball, like to window shop basketball shoes, chit-chat over the rainbow. Now I just kept myself in the movies I watch. No one actually understand, including myself, why I won't stop watching american drama series. I'm so addicted. I've built a bond, a strong relationship, with these dramas and I'd hope I'd become one of those character in life.

May be, I'm better off with the life-less things than the human factor relationships. Especially when people working together is giving me stress I couldn't handle. I have, in my lifetime, trying to please everyone but myself. Sad, isn't it... T_T

had a bad day...

2009-06-25T11:16:00.000+08:00

Today is a bad day.. it all because I did not do good for the past and it turns out to be a bad one today.

To the dearest people who haven't heard from me since

2009-06-11T16:46:00.002+08:00

Hi. I do not know why I don't have anything to write before. I guess I am just testing my endurance and your patience.

I don't know what is in the future and I don't know I have created history but now, I want to tell you, Thank you for caring about me. However, if you keep quite all the time, I don't know what you are thinking. Am I bothering you too much? Or am I being naive to wait for you to come to me?

Alright. I guess, my brain is the culprit. Who kept lying to me about your love. Who kept me from believing you still care.

Thanks for caring. I will live now.

coquettish

2009-06-10T17:42:00.002+08:00

Some use this word to describe an action like a spoiled child from a woman to a man...

Today, I had this feeling again. I was thinking why can't I be coquettish to anyone who loves me like my mom, my dad, my siblings or just any close friend. I just can't. Then, there is this picture in my mind. There is one person, a very special person. In front of that person, I can become a kitty or at least I can learn to become one... That's the only person that comes into my mind. No one else.

Twins

2009-06-10T17:36:00.002+08:00

Today I went to search the Japanese drama that was once shown on Astro. I have been looking for this tv series for quite some time but just like those people on the Internet, I fail to get a copy of this.

There is a DVD box set selling in Japan... I hope someday, someone would get it for me from Japan.. but after I read the synopsis, I realised that what I like about the movie is where the life of the character is during they adolescence. After that, I don't really want to watch because it's a 50 episodes movie...

Anyway, I still like it a lot.

The ultimate reason to upgrade to IE 8!!

2009-03-26T16:29:00.001+08:00

After reading the article from CNET, I finally know why I need to upgrade my IE browser...

At first, I thought I shall not when I read this:

Using the SunSpider JavaScript test, the official IE 8 scored 9849.4ms on a Windows Vista machine with 2GB of RAM and a 3GHz clock. This is significantly slower than most other major browsers. Not surprisingly, Microsoft claims (scroll down to Case Study Videos) that these kinds of speed tests aren't relevant to how most people use their browser, and there may be some legitimacy to that.

Still slower than most major browsers, I thought, nah, why resort to a slower browser when you have the faster ones.

But I continue reading all the interesting features in IE 8 until finally:

Drawbacks aside, there's no reason not to upgrade if you're an old fan of IE, and there's even a few things in IE 8 for new users. Even though there are some nice usability features in IE 8, I think Internet Explorer has a long way to go to replace the damage that the notoriously insecure IE 6 did to its reputation.

Now I know, it's not that we all need to use IE 8 but those who are IE users should upgrade their IE to IE 8. :p

And for this, I know that IE 6 is so damage, that IE's reputation can hardly please those who've since sourced for other browsers... Too bad. I do hope one day IE will really become better, for the sake of many web applications.

P/S: I wonder why other browsers are getting better but not IE? hmm 0.o

MS Office

2009-03-25T09:01:00.001+08:00

I've been getting the annoying message from my Microsoft Office Applications.

Which a pop up box kept saying:
Title: MS Office Live Add-in
Message: Connecting to the network failed. Try again later.

I'm like so the blur what is this add-in message keeps bugging! Until I found this:
http://www.pcreview.co.uk/forums/thread-3729967.php

Solution:
excel options > add-ins > comm add-ins > go > uncheck office live add-in > ok

Phew~ at least now I know there is this annoying add-in keeps bugging!

Batman - The Dark Knight

2009-03-05T18:40:00.001+08:00

I've just finish watching the movie of Batman - The Dark Knight.

The only conclusion that I have is, "Who are you to think that you can outlive anyone?"
Often times, I thought I'm better, I feel proud of what I've done but what about the things I do when no one sees me? What about the bad thoughts I've had about someone?

I've never felt so bad. My spirit is broken.
I need some time off. I could barely breathe.

Sins and guilt, fear and greed, I've got them all just like anyone on the earth. For what reason shall I feel any better about what I did? I have none. Do you?

...

Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, and Black

2009-02-26T17:33:00.001+08:00

A girl came for a job interview.
To test her English, Boss ask her to create sentences with the colour:
green, pink, yellow, blue, white, purple, and black.
She answered:
I hear phone 'GREEN GREEN', then i go and 'PINK' up the phone, and i say 'YELLOW BLUES' that?
'WHITE' did you say?
oh wrong number, don't PURPLELY' disturb people and don't call 'BLACK' okay?
Boss say: You can go black now and wait for the phone green green.

LOL!

Adapted from: http://utopiastaging.blogspot.com/2007/11/green-pink-yellow-blue-white-purple-and.html

Kek Sim

2009-02-05T11:27:00.001+08:00

For Malay speaking friends, please do not think this is some kinda cake that calls Sim. This is a Hokkien translation of Malay sakit hati or English heartache.

I feel so "kek sim" about someone. He is a friend but he has lost his faith. He resents God because of some unhappy events/incidents happened in the past. He cannot see the good side of God and enjoys his current life.

It is surely, none of my business to care about how he is living because we were not so called close friends. But he is a friend and I felt the responsibility to let him know that God is not what he thinks so. The unhappy events were caused by human beings that do not rely 100% of their lives on God.

Although, I am not relying myself 100% on God yet but I see the importance of achieving that and I felt so heart broken when I saw his face of dissappointment with God. Whenever I bring this topic up, he is more or less telling me that he is interested but with a boring face.

Well, I think, this is a common problem we all have. We said we love someone but when that someone doesn't respond to our love, we will no longer love him/her. We often choose to only love things that please us. What about events of sufferings that helped us to grow? In the process, we hate those events and we do not like to follow them. We bring more sufferings to ourselves.

My toe nails always grow into the flesh beside the nails and this caused huge uncomfortable until I cannot walk. To make sure I can feel comfortable, I had to use sharp edge scissors to cut out the nails which is a painful process but it is sure to bring peace after I do that. I think the life process is more or less similar. There are nails cutting into the flesh like all earthly events we go through everyday. We will not feel it until it is so deep into the flesh, we could feel the pain killing us. And then we cry out to God and ask Him why didn't He remove those events. Then, we felt greater pain because God is working to remove the nails. But instead of trusting God to cut the nails, we shouted, stop, I'd rather stay with the average pain then to break free from it. We just do not want to suffer greater pain which we do not know but will free us later.

Well, what Jesus said in the Bible is so true that sometimes the good has been revealed to us but we do not understand and know and foremost trust that it will lead us to freedom.

Remain in sin is comfortable because you have already used to the pain. To break free, we need faith and trust that God is always there throughout the process. Our sufferings will end with joy and peace one day. Til then, keep it on. Have faith and march on.

I hope one day, this friend that give me a heartache will see and realise how God is good and great to him and he will rely and love God again.

Grief

2009-01-22T08:58:00.002+08:00

Over the news of "no increment this year until the month of June. We will review again. If you are better than ever, I would recommend an increment..."

Please do not ask any further about this. I just do not want to flood my bed with tears.

Thanks...

Couldn't believe that this is the ultimate conclusion of my "One on One" session. I'm improving over these few months after the last "Chatting" session.

I serve the Lord high above, not the man who sometimes break my heart. I will continue to believe His grace and love is sufficient to carry me through. I love you God. This is first time I boldly confess I love God. His Words will provide me positive thoughts and His law will lead me like the lamp in the dark.

Thank God for the bad feelings but I still know you are with me. I shall not fear for the circumstances but I know you have a perfect plan. Teach me your ways, show me you work that I shall follow you. Give me wisdom to know you and do your ways. Amen.

Holiday during CNY.

2009-01-21T17:48:00.002+08:00

I'm going on Company Trip to HK from 30th Jan - 3rd Feb.
Staying here:

Hotel Accomodation

Hotel : Metropark Hotel Wanchai

Address : 41-49 Hennessy Road, Wanchai, Hong Kong

Tel : 852-2861 1166

Fax : 852-2865 6111

If you need to tell me something, pls sms, don't call. I'll find time to reply you =P

Well, if you want some souvenirs or need to pass something to someone in HK, I might be able to help you if you inform me earlier :)

Love me, love me not.

2009-01-12T15:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when you are not sure, you go for random decision but sometimes, you are sure, you just do not want to hurt others nor yourself but that is a hard decision. Either decision you make will hurt one side or the other.

If you tell a person, "I love you", the person may reject you or he/she may accepts you. Either way you are not to risk losing a best friend of life because after you say that line, you no longer keep your friendship the way it was if the situation is not controlled with wisdom.

So, our mind tends to fight for the best way to go for. Whether to risk our friendship or to let ourselves be in the comfortable situation and make no steps forward.

Even though I'm a bit able to fight off some evil thoughts with the Truth, I'm still only at level 1 or 2 -- Rookie level. I still need to pursue a higher level in order to know how to make a wise decision and how to handle the emotional imbalance of making either good/bad decisions.

Sometimes, I just do not know what to consider when making a decision... why have I become like that? I used to know how to make decision? But do I or I just follow my feelings at that time of decision and used to get mad when things get in my way? I think I'm the later one.

This journey is not easy into transformation. My mind goes blank when I need to think of how and why. I can only work on what to do next. And by saying next I mean next minute or second. I can't plan for the next day, week or month before the actually time hits. No wonder my time management is so poor.

I can't even remember what to write after a few minutes later (I've been trying to write a new post since last week, but couldn't remember after something happen in between which distracted my thoughts).

I hope my friends would not give up hope on me. I will continue to improve and with God's help, I believe, I can be better.

The second weekend of 2009 has past and I've also realized the true friends in life. I love you, my true friends.

May be I should flashback on 2008 and see what I've done right and wrong and what I can give thanks and areas that I should improve. Erm... may be later tonight I'll draft it out.

^*^

=)

Hasta la vista

New Year - New Me

2009-01-03T05:56:00.003+08:00

My last picture taken in year 2008:

The New Look:

I hope to generate a new appearance as well as practice to live in God by FAITH to allow Him to renew my spirit!

A New Beginning

2009-01-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

When I typed the title for this post, I wonder, how can we have a new beginning? Haven't we all started with our life ever since we catch our first breath in the womb?

Today, I went shopping. I bought quite a lot of things and surprisingly today was a pleasant shopping day with my headache, not enough sleep and frustrated about things that people did not do as I expected them to do.

It was a day that I did not shout and make the shopping worse but I kept my voice low to just inform them about my feelings and keep quite for the rest of the shopping.

When we reach home, after 2 hours of rest and tv watching, we discovered that the skirt that I bought is more than RM 100!!! (If I'm drinking, I would really spilled!) I never thought I would spend so much for a skirt!

Well, I guess you all will have a new me in the coming days of this year. At the very least, a new appearance.

Hope to see you soon.

Adios, Amigos.

Gotta get some sleep, need to wake up early for work tomorrow =)

Good Night and Happy New Year!

Good Morning 2009, Good Night 2008!

2008-12-31T09:34:00.002+08:00

My last post for 2008, concluding the year.

I attended the last cell group meeting of the year, here's some photographs (to prove I did attend... hehehe, haven't been faithful to attend CG, sorry, guys.): CG Christmas gathering photographs.

I thank God for the days He provided and took care of me throughout 2008.

I specially thank God for 2 spiritual ladies who have supported me throughout the year, pulling the strings to keep me from falling down.

I thank God for CG members (and my brother, also one of the CG member) who kept me in prayer and always welcome me back to CG.

I thank God for people he brought into my life, smiling events, touching moments, sad times, and His abundant grace.

This year an old lady left us to be with God. She is not that close with me but I don't even have a picture of her to remember her. She left on Christmas morning in pain (heart attack). It wasn't so sad about it but I know we are not going to expect a nice little grandma giving us ang pao for the year. My dad always driver her to church, she was my dad's cell member. We had some good times enjoying the gentleness of ama -- that's how we call her. But now, we have to learn how to give her gentleness to others because she left us with a warmth in our heart to care to share.

Well, many people left and be with the Lord this year but we never forget what they left behind for us to enjoy and remember. May be it's time to review again and to think about ourselves -- what do we want people to remember about us when we die?

I guess I couldn't finish the book "Victory over the darkness" this year, but I will try my very best to practise what I have learned from the book in 2009. Hoping to see a change in me through God.

To declare my identity:
I am a child of God. I am loved and given eternal life by God.

I believe and have faith in God.

Thank you Jesus Christ for His sacrifice. Now I appreciate everytime I can end my prayer with "In Jesus Name". It is by His name my prayers are answered. It is in His name my life was restored.

May the love of Jesus Christ brings you and me, peace and joy.

Happy New Year 2009!

Sober

2008-12-26T22:55:00.001+08:00

Staying sober is the hardest thing for a strong addict.

When you quit from something, you stay sober and as long as you can get use to sober, you can get off with the addiction.

It felt so good to deepen into the lies of the devil but I realise it is not freedom but bondage. A "temporary pleasant" bondage. I'll have to stay sober and keep it up. Until now, I still can't get myself out of the shadow of the devil's claw. I see where I am but I'm not going out of where I am.

I want to get out and break free. No matter how hard it could be. I should and will, this time, get myself over and do not stop when it's so hard and difficult to fight and resist. For I am not alone. The key figure of Christmas -- Jesus Christ is with me and He will always be there for me. I just need to trust and jump over the gap.

My greatest fear when I was small is to jump over a drain. Even though I know the gap of the drain is not too wide for my legs to get across, I'm just not able to bear the thought of falling into the drain. Even until now, I still hesitate every time I need to cross one. But I still cross all the drains without falling into one, should I be gaining enough courage to get over the next one? I guess not. But every time I will step out in faith the cross the gap for I know He is with me, I shall have no doubts. Even if I fall, he is by my side. How far do I still want to keep Him away from my business? Soon, I will learn how to take baby steps to stand and be still.

So, Christmas has been meaningful for me. How about you? May be you should give Jesus Christ a chance to renew and change your life. For I have found the true Prince of Peace and I have decided to resist the lies of the devil.

Isa 30:15

2008-12-12T11:20:00.001+08:00

Isaiah 30:15 (New International Version)

15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
       "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
       in quietness and trust is your strength,
       but you would have none of it.

Exposure is no good.

2008-12-10T10:07:00.003+08:00

I saw this when I browse through the recent updates in Live Home, "silly..dun destroy my name!"

I've used that person's name on my blog before... I thought to myself, did I misused the name? So, I put my post on draft, hopefully not cache by google yet...

Knowing too much is sometimes not so good. I'd rather know what I need to know and what I am allowed to know... I shall stop worry about these little things. Waste my time!

So, who cares if I did something wrong? I have done it, tell me and I will change. Thank you.

Diary #20081209

2008-12-09T09:34:00.004+08:00

Last Thursday, I had a chat with Angel on Live Messenger. She concluded as follows:

jing ling ; angel: ur this attitude of thinking dat u can't when you can fight ur 'temptations'
jing ling ; angel: u kept thinking n doubting...
jing ling ; angel: because of dat..u allowed the devil a chance to enter easily

Today, a few days later, I had to admit that she was right. Many incidents happened just these few days allowed me to conclude that she was right. I struggled to accept the fact.

It was a few dreams...
One night, Andrew Chan came to our place. He did some foot massage and told me I have a lot of dreams at night during sleep. I told him it was normal to have dreams, wasn't it? Few weeks later, 2 nights ago, I had a dream about Wen. It was a bad dream. The worst I've ever had in my lifetime. A dream about me hurting Wen and I regretted and felt sorry about what I did in the dream. Then, in the afternoon the next day, I had a dream about a prostitute mother and a handicapped son. She earn by being a prostitute to raise her son. I felt sorry for her. I wish I could help her. The third one was last night. I couldn't remember the content of the dream but it was something sad and helpless.

The third dream was after I told Wen about the first and second dream. Her angry face is still so vividly shown in my head. I guess the third dream was me trying to get off the sadness.

If I kept thinking like Angel said, I will start to doubt and start to disbelief and then the evil thoughts will embrace me til I cannot breath. I can let it go and let it not harm me anymore. At first, I thought I can ignore the them and think positively but ignoring is not the final shot to end the problem. I need something better. I need God. I need the righteous one to save me from this.

I can fight the 'temptations' with God who gives me strength and He will win the battle for me.

Diary #20081207

2008-12-07T17:02:00.001+08:00

I couldn't hold on to the truth. My sister found the "Glucovance" medication prescribed by the doctor last night. I denied it's mine. Later this afternoon, I told my mom and my sister...

My mom started her "nagging" and adviced me not to eat this and that and should eat what and what. Before she went for her nap and after we read my previous blood test report (taken on 19 Aug 2006), she said this, "I think you need to change your job. Your work now is highly affecting your health!"

May be my work does the trigger to my diabetic DNA.. It came from my dad and I knew it for long. It wasn't a surprise but I'm just not use to a sudden change of my diet.

May be it takes a while to adapt to this new change of lifestyle...

Angel once told me I had to have an attitude change... what change do I need to make? I still don't get it. Perhaps the lifestyle change has to first start with the attitude change.

Well, my mother couldn't believe it. I was advised to do another check up to confirm the symptoms like ants on my urine is proven to be high glucose. Hopefully I can do it real soon. I mean real soon.

Diary #20081206

2008-12-07T16:53:00.001+08:00

I felt so guilty looking at the open fridge. I dare not take any food I like even though I was hungry. Still accumulating courage to tell my parents the bad news about my glucose test...

Family History + Loss Weight [+ Lost Ants in toilet]

2008-12-05T11:03:00.001+08:00

Confirmed diagnosis:

Glucose (Fasting) 17.2 MMOL/L (Normal: <6.1) = Diabetic

I accepted the medication for 30 days and second visit to evaluate the medication effect after 25 days (30 Dec 2008) - Hopefully good news before new year... I shall listen and do exactly as the doctor advised..

Way later only go for extra check ups on Kidney lar, eyes lar.. depending on the second visit blood test results.

Bless me.

17.8

2008-12-04T11:12:00.002+08:00

Does these numbers mean anything to you?

When the doctor saw the numbers, she was overwhelmed. Immediately, she double confirm with the nurse to see if the little device is new. She wasn't sure what she was reading is correct or not.

17.8 is displayed on the screen of that small little glucose test device. My friend who went in before me only had 8.8, which is already considered high. My reading shocked the doctor for a while.

She explained to me how important to take the lab test for accuracy. I told her I will go to my relative's lab to do the test meanwhile I let her pull more blood for lab glucose test. I will go back and collect my report tomorrow. Hopefully, it was just a joke... hahahah.. It will not be and I'll need to adjust my life again..

17.8 - Does it mean anything to you?

Words : More than words.

2008-12-01T11:43:00.003+08:00

I admit that I do enjoy blogs with photos/pictures. They look more interesting and lively.

I do not have such passion to grab every opportunity to take pictures/photos. I just love to write.

I had a very busy Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. My church is celebrating 110th anniversary and 30th mission conference. I was glad to be there throughout the process. But in my mind, the work that is left incomplete let me to think that I do not have a good testimony. I simply did not do good to others by what I did.

My church theme this year is "One World One Vision". Beyond words. More than words. It's a picture to begin with. That's how beautiful our eyes were created to be able to see things that's beyond our understandings.

It is also easier to understand through pictures.

On Saturday night, I was not able to sustain throughout the sermon because it was too tiring after a whole day of physical activities during the children mission conference. We were blessed to have a good weather when we started the opening ceremony. The rain from Friday night stopped right on time. Although my team did not win any prizes but I felt the children and I know they need the gospel very much. These blessed children should be a blessing to others with what they have instead they are now abusing what they own and fear much to give/share their love with others.

How unfortunate the children who have nothing but the streets as their bed and the rubbish as their food. How fortunate we are to have a lovely house, nice clothes, good shoes, nutritious meals. I felt ashamed that I did not do my best to help those in need instead I'm abusing what I have. Sometimes, I overeat, other times, I over sleep. Therefore, on Sunday morning when we did our pledge for next year's mission fund, I dare not keep an account for myself because for what I have is what God gave. I do not and is not capable of getting all my labour worth a cent/penny if it was not God's grace.

May be you will say I'm too religious but I truly believe that God has put more that what I've asked for in my life. How little can I pay back with that little pledge card. I just hope I could help more.

On Sunday, the speaker, Dr. John Chang was a funny man. I like his voice, his tone is just nice to be heard. His attention to environment was great as well. He is the only speaker who speaks and look around to seek attention from everyone. He is very polite. He preached about team building and I think he is a great person in team building. He do things in humorous way so that people can accept his suggestion and change. He also reminded me that I am no longer a good team player.

Later that evening, my church celebrated our anniversary in a restaurant. The dishes were great except for the second dish that consists of 5 different small portions of food. Overall, I like the celebration. Especially, it was so soothing to have all brothers and sisters in Christ sitting over the table to enjoy the nice food together. The choir and praise and worship were great and amazing! They sang like angels from Heaven. I was touched by the lyrics. It says, "I will honor him in every choice I make". Have I honor God in every choice that I make?

How I hope, my thoughts, my words and my actions honor Him in every way that I can.

Why I sinned? Partly because I am not at the right place doing what I am suppose to do. Slowly, I was tempted and committed sin.

Dear Lord, help me to live a life that honors you in every way I can. Strengthen me to do the right thing. Give me spiritual wisdom so that I make right choice that glorifies your name. For what I can do is by your grace. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

I dedicated my heart to the Lord of the universe that is above all. Shall I bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit and walk the only bright and victorious path to seek His face.

Tired and exhausted.

2008-11-24T14:50:00.002+08:00

If you read me from here. You'd probably see that I've been updating things about myself and many unhappy things.

I have never ever felt so tired before. How tired? Have you ever tried to drive with eyes open but sleeping? That's how tired I felt. I have to drive but I need to sleep.

I was so angry recently. I unistalled my Firefox and Live Messenger... but in the end I had to re-install them back because I need to use them in case for work.

I'm sleep working, sleep after I past motion before I flush.. you know how disgusting to sleep in the smelly toilet? I can even sleep with that smell.. oh, I think I really need to get some more sleep.

So, can I be late for work? Nope.
So, can I take emergency leave? Probably.
So, can I go and see doctor to ask for MC? Depends whether the doctor leng chai or not lor.. hehehe

I'm really very tired and exhausted. I just do not want to let others down. Please allow me to have more strength to move on.

Diary #20081122

2008-11-22T11:18:00.002+08:00

I had a bad afternoon. So bad that I couldn't laugh in the cinema watching Madagascar 2. I've even worsen the situation by bringing this negative emotions into the group of people I'm hanging out with.

It was a sunny day, we went to eat seafood noodles at Segambut. It was a great lunch until we came back from lunch. I was listening to streaming audio and pop-up the lyrics. My supervisor passed by my desk and saw the second monitor (I'm using a laptop and an additional monitor) was showing the streaming audio. Later, I received an email pointing out that I'm using the second monitor for entertainment. Yes, I did and I also use it for my work. It was, to me, an accusation of me not being at work with 2 monitors but entertaining myself with the extra resources the company allow me to use. Well, I felt very bitter about this and this is not the first time I felt it but this time is the worst one until now.

I read the Prime Time with God that says this:

Check Your Armor
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-21-2008

"That is why the Israelites cannot stand against their enemies.... (Joshua 7:12).
Battle commanders want to know the vulnerabilities of their enemies. Companies want to know the vulnerabilities of their competition. We also need to know our spiritual vulnerability.

This is the message God told Joshua when he attempted to go against a small army at Ai, which was the Israelites' second battle in the Promised Land. Sometimes we try to figure out why we are not successful in an endeavor from the natural only. We look at all aspects of our performance to see what went wrong. Perhaps our strategy was flawed or our timing was off or our pricing was wrong. For the people of Israel, it was not easily seen on the surface. Everything seemed just as it should be from Joshua's vantage point, so when his army was soundly defeated, he cried out to God, "Ah, Sovereign Lord, why did You ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us?" (Josh. 7:7a).

The people had been defeated because God could not bless them. One person had violated the covenant with God. They were not to take any possessions from the first battle, but one person failed to be obedient and the whole army suffered.

Sin makes our armor vulnerable to attack from Satan, who then gains permission from God to attack us in the area where we have failed to uphold righteousness. If we break down in moral purity, Satan comes in and establishes a stronghold. If we give place to bitterness and unwillingness to forgive, we will break fellowship with God and others. If we become money-focused, we will fall into greed and deception. It is a vicious cycle.

Examine your armor today. Make sure you are not susceptible to attack. Begin from a solid spiritual foundation and your chances of success will be great.

There, the words highlighted in purple really pointed out my soul status. I am giving place to bitterness and unwillingness to forgive. That caused me to break my fellowship with God and others. The bitterness kept growing like a snow ball. It just roll and roll into bigger and bigger snow ball. My armor is weak, they could not defeat the attack.

It was not anyone else's fault but my own stronghold that keeps pulling me down into a deep dark hole.

Oh, God, could you come and spare my life?

While I was watching Madagascar yesterday night, I watch without laughter but tears. It just came rolling out of my eyes. I am not a person who can easily cry but the tears just came out of it... it was my first time, pouring tears secretly in the cinema... I can't help it. I need to release them out...

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strenght. These words just came into my heart. He who loves me never leave me nor forsake me; for we love, is because He first Loved us.

May God bless you, my readers.

Regular Expression Validation for Email Address

2008-11-20T13:42:00.001+08:00

Method 1: \w+([-+.]\w+)*@\w+([-.]\w+)*\.\w+([-.]\w+)*
Method 2 (cannot recognise in SharePoint): \w+((-\w+)|(\.\w+)|(\_\w+))*\@[A-Za-z0-9]+((\.|-)[A-Za-z0-9]+)*\.[A-Za-z]{2,5}

Backup Database with T-SQL

2008-11-20T12:54:00.003+08:00

Method 1:
SQL Script generated from SQL Server Management Studio (Scripting Style for SQL Server 2000)
BACKUP DATABASE [DATABASENAME] TO DISK = N'D:\MSSQL\MSSQL\BACKUP\DBBACKUPSET_20081120' WITH NOFORMAT, NOINIT, NAME = N'Full Database Backup', SKIP, NOREWIND, NOUNLOAD, STATS = 10
GO

Diary #20081115

2008-11-15T19:15:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling very bad... negative... every words from their mouth hurts. It's so hurting. Like I'm never good at anything...

During Secondary School, I play sports. Sports is the only area I was treated fairly. Although I am not the best one but I am confident in what I do.

Now if you ask me, I felt discriminated among those who are late to work...

My life has been dedicated to the job and yet I was said to be lazy, not hardworking... it bores down to may be I'm just too slow to come out with a good job. They've been saying, no need to worry about details but people like our clients actually is asking why this person has no title during the testing stage. People are so looking for details and I'm not suppose to focus too much on details.

I will try. And I will do as you said to neglect the details.

I need a break and a shoulder. I need my bed at home and I need the bolster I've long for. I need a pillow and some great nights of sleep.

I've just sold my soul to the company by working no day no night including weekends and holidays! How I wish I can just let it go....

Let it go... relax... let it go...

Diary #20081106

2008-11-06T00:07:00.002+08:00

I do not know exactly what happen to my body system. I'm experimenting my urine to prove that I have or not diabetes symptoms like sweet urine.

I do not know the ants did lost their way or am I just worry too much. Slowly, I will have to cut down on desserts and every single sweet things. At least try not to attempt to eat them.

And my lifestyle.. working until this time, I cannot imagine how long I can survive in this situation. How I hope today's meeting in the morning is just a way out for me to loosen up my responsibility. May be if I did not suspect my health problems I would not reacted that way.

The meeting was to discuss why I did not perform as expected and did not complete my tasks on time as I've promised. I gave excuses that is not accepted. I have accepted their suggestion to change. I hope I do not disappoint others but how many expectations can I cope?

I have been suspecting my "diabetic symptoms". It happens after my weight loss, then hair fall, then low appetite and now hunger. It was all medical symptoms or was I just think too much when such things happened? Even recurring vaginal yeast infection has added on to my list of symptoms to be suspected.

I think it is time to get some real blood test. If there is only a quicker method to confirm my "symptoms", I would like to try it out. May be I can get some blood sugar tester from the pharmacy nearby my office.

So, how shall I face it? Calmly? Aggressively? Ignorantly? I do not know. Just like when I saw the ants, my mind is blank for a second or two.

So, what about my birthday tomorrow? Shall I celebrate with the news? Can I be happy with it? It is not deadly but controllable with proper medication and diets and lifestyle adjustment. So, would I be able to handle it? Do it? Make it?

Don't think too much, Michelle. You just do what ever is necessary to accept the fact and to slow down the symptoms. Everybody deserves death, it is a matter of shorter life span or longer only. But that is not the most important thing. The most important thing is what would people write on your tomb stone when you die.

So, Michelle, can you promise me to look at this positively? I love you so much, please promise me you will face it and conquer it.

Diary #20081105

2008-11-05T11:10:00.003+08:00

Today, I was awaken by my roommate because she needed a lift to the LRT station due to sudden heavy rain.

Then, I went back home. I was tired and after my toilet trip, I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I wanted to take a bath. When I was in the bathroom, something amazing shocked me!

There were some ants who lost their way and went into the toilet bowl! I checked the toilet bowl. Ah! I forgot to flush after the toilet trip. Hmm... I think they just lost their way... will try again tomorrow to see if they lost their way or I did something to attract them there... hahaha... lost ants

Diary #20081103

2008-11-03T11:49:00.003+08:00

This morning when I woke up, again, I felt my left hand middle finger, index finger and thumb is numb.

May be, I said may be, it is a diabetes symptom...

Diary #20081031

2008-10-31T16:56:00.003+08:00

Stress is a very daring substance. It makes me feel uneasy the whole day...

I think I'm experiencing eating disorder... yet to call it Bulimia nervosa. And am having anxiety disorder which also yet to be called Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

I want to do my best in all areas but I can't make all things at their best. At least, I have to sacrifice one of them...

I was having 3 nights of troubled sleeping and excessively eating my dinner + supper. I woke up during sleep to go to toilet at least 2 times per night. I needed some rest... a longer rest than just a day of holiday.

I need to leave the place I'm in now and find a new living mind. My brain is getting old, it doesn't function like I know it used to be.

Diary #20081028

2008-10-28T10:31:00.002+08:00

My colleague, Catherine, told me that my blog is not so interesting for her because I do not write down my daily life. Well, I think this is my daily life as a blogger, telling people what is interesting in life that I found online or whatever is inside my heart. But, today I'd like to write something more descriptive (sorry, if I couldn't be more descriptive) about my day.

This morning, I couldn't wake up because I watch late drama (on the TV) last night until 1am. I spent some time on my bed trying to sleep before I really do. This morning, as usual, I had to send my brother to school early (do I sound a bit reluctant? ya.. I do). So, it was 6.30am when my brother came and knock on my door. After dropping him off to school, I received a call on my way back to my place in PJ. I couldn't answer the phone because the battery is low. I quickly unpack my things from the car to get a phone charger. I called back my friend. She said she had a migraine and would like to me bring her to doctor. I told her I had to take a bath first. So, after taking bath, around 8am, I left the house.

I reach her place, pick her up and drove the Mediveron Clinic. Today is just after Deepavali Holiday and so many people is sick at the clinic. We waited for 45 mins until the nurse called out my friend's name. After examination, doctor said she is pretty fine, just her body is too heaty that causes the migraine. After the examination, we were sent out from the room to wait for the medicine. I think her company is good in the sense that her medical bills are paid for. After taking the medication, we went to my car. I was blocked by a MyVii. This is my first time, pushing the honk button in my car to alarm the car owner to remove the car. It wasn't long after my second honk, an Indian lady came out from the clinic (this is another clinic on the opposite side of the road) and reverse her car for me to go out.

We went to a nearby shop for some breakfast. After I parked my car and took my laptop with me, we walked into a shop with many smaller stalls. I put my laptop beside my leg under the table. Then we talked about food. She said she would order for me and then insisted to pay for the food as a return favor for my time to send her to clinic for check up. I said it wasn't that troublesome. When we finish eating, we left the table to another stall in front of the shop for some cakes and cookies. When we return to our car, a person came by and told me that I left my bag. Oh! I cried in my heart. I think I did shouted out as well but I couldn't remember. Thank God for that uncle who came by and tell me. I quickly ran back to the shop. But I found no bag! The chicken rice stall aunty was kind, she told it was at the counter. I went to the counter and told the aunty there I want my bag. She ask me where I was sitting. I told her I was sitting in front of the chicken rice stall and she said ok, here is your bag. Phew~ the aunty was trying to verify if I'm the owner of the bag. Thank God she did that. Although at that point of time I was so worried I couldn't get back my bag and was annoyed by her questioning me.

It was my first time, leaving something so important behind. I think it is because I didn't have enough sleep yesterday night and due to a whole day of physical activities (I helped my parents to paint our apartment that was waiting to be rented and washed my neglected 2-month didn't wash car). Tonight I think I have to rest properly. But before that, I have to finish my work of the day.

Til then, Adios amigos~

Eye-Opener Clock?

2008-10-24T15:52:00.002+08:00

[Gun O'Clock guns for a showdown]

Relationship #2

2008-10-13T10:26:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking about this topic recently.

I begin to feel uneasy about it.

I discover I'm too introvert and have less friends.

I begin to blame my past, resent my present and do not appreciate my future.

Oh God, would you comfort me again?

Relationship

2008-10-09T10:20:00.002+08:00

Somehow, I felt that in any relationship, to reach mutual understanding, each one have to ask the others' opinion before doing anything. For example, if 2 people are going out for lunch. A would ask B where about to have lunch, then together, they figure out what's best instead of A deciding the place without B's consent.

To know what is the best approach, each one must ask also. Like A want to talk to B about something. A would ask B, do you prefer me to write to you or talk directly to you? Of course, writing is a better way to avoid conflict because the reader can use his/her own perception to read it but on the other hand, the meaning might be twisted.

I am not sure if anyone agrees with me, this is my opinion. If I do have a chance of this kind, I will try it out. But I am not brave enough to create this opportunity.

Thank God for my 2 good friends who have always been caring and concern about me without me going to them as often to care about their lives. I hope God will lead this relationship and in all areas of relationship and my life. For I want God to be my leader, if not, who else can I put my trust in?

The Marketing of Evil

2008-10-08T12:56:00.002+08:00

How Radicals, Elitists and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised as Freedom

If I have a chance, I would pick up this book and read it. I think it would be interesting!

2008-10-06T17:12:00.001+08:00

most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.