Tuesday, September 07, 2010

胡思乱想

又开始在想,我到底为什么写blog?我知道这只是“先有鸡还是先有蛋”式,没完没了的问题,却无法禁止脑海里这无止境的挣扎。

思想,是我最好的帮助也是令我最困扰的一件事。想着好的,日子过得轻松自在;掉进无止境的问题里,我总是无法自拔。

今天,老毛病又犯了。我无法控制的留下来。留在我不应该逗留的地方。离开比留下更让我恐惧不安。有人听见我痛苦的呐喊吗?似乎连我自己都听不见了。这么习惯地重复着痛苦的恶性循环,我早已对自己的痛苦感到麻木。似乎不痛苦才是不寻常。这不正证明了我被虐待的倾向吗?哈哈哈。

我想约人去吃晚餐,想想,不知道要吃什么、对方不一定得空、就算得空也不见得想要吃我想吃的、就算想要吃我想吃的也不一定有时间一起去吃、就算想吃也有时间也不一定方便……很多很多的胡思乱想,最终独自一人逼不得已啃着饼干优格。在甜、咸、酸、脆之中解决了晚餐。

如果有机会,我想放下工作,然后无所事事一阵子。毫无储蓄的我如何可以无所事事的生存呢?无所事事只不过是变相的懒惰吧。我还是赶快打消此念头的好。

循规蹈矩只是变相的墨守成规。

小心翼翼也只是胆却、没有勇气接受挑战的另一种解释。

如此,不负责任难道不是潇洒吗?毫无约束难道不是有弹性吗?随心所欲难道不是自由吗?

如果别人连骂你都不想了难道你不可怜吗?

今晚可以高歌“今天不回家”吗?有人愿意陪我吃宵夜吗?答案是,不可以。如果你有勇气打电话的话也许有机会找到一个人,但是我没有勇气。

我可以开车一路向北吗?一直走到我筋疲力尽为止……

雨下一整晚,好久不见的你说了再见才发现再也见不到。搭上时光机跨时代去找你。这些不能说的秘密都记录在爱的飞行日记里。自导自演,这说好的幸福呢?千里之外上演着这场最长的电影,嘲笑我的黑色幽默。我以为白色风车是我们蒲公英的约定地点。没想到菊花台上阳光宅男正穿着你亲手编织的黑色毛衣。蓝色风暴中岂能找到彩虹?夜曲犹如四面楚歌环绕着我,震耳欲聋!我的心好像断了的弦,静止无声。回到过去才发现最后的战役已经谱上了止战之殇。想要你给我一首歌的时间,但是我徘徊在爱情悬崖始终开不了口。

爸,我回来了。回到我的地盘,乔克叔叔对我说,“傻孩子,超人不会飞,你还是乖乖听妈妈的话吧。”

夜的第七章——终结。流浪诗人在迷迭香的花海里刻暗号。

这一切记录在半岛铁盒里,安静的躺在威廉古堡深处的角落。

上海一九四三。世界末日。魔术先生在我眼前施法,我看见了你比从前快乐……
突发奇想,写了上面的故事。这样的结局,难过唯美吗?也只不过是我胡思乱想的并凑。为这篇文章画上美好的休止符。

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