mistake

Today, I made a mistake. One that should've never been made. Trust is broken, lesson is learnt. No one blamed me but I could've prevented it from happening...

A bright Sunday morning, before dawn, I woke up, brushed my teeth, wash my face and started putting on make-up and even lipstick, waxed my hair too! So, then early I went to church to get ready for the service.

I started checking the words on the slides but I skipped the hymns after checking with the preparer that the songs were sang before. Little did I know some slides were jumbled up and it makes the chairperson looked bad and might have affected the first time chairperson negatively.

Anyway, it's a lesson I learn, never take another shortcut. Never.

It's just like my housemate and I went to the same wet market. We parked illegally on the roadside but my housemate never get summon but I did again. 

Just have to pay for my own mistakes. Sometimes, the price is more than I can bear, have to becareful not to shortcut my way again.

Selfishness - self fulfillment

3 months into the new environment. 1 major thing changed, I feel more to myself and less of God. So much less that nothing feels satisfying. 

My work grew more intense with higher work load and crazy overtime as it moves closer to an end. I'm emotionally drained. I don't know what to do, who to talk to.  Although talking to God seems to be the way out but I'm back to my pattern -- escape. Running away from the truth that I'd rather not face. My incapability to complete a job based on deadlines. I could finish it if I get the "time" to complete it to my satisfaction but reality doesn't allow it. Help me, O God.

Do I have a savior mentality to only appear when there's a problem? I could stay up until 6:30am to observe my colleague tackling a deployment. And then keep on "helping" him to solve a few problems later. But when it comes back to my routine timeline, my own work, it's so dull and I don't see the end of things and dragging my own feet to get it done sooner.

A few unwanted thoughts that feel good creeped into my brain and making me feel uneasy especially in front of my housemate. I need a high in my brain and exercise couldn't give me the "high" no more. It just make me feel tired after doing it. I have that urge ha, the sexual desire that I know can give me the "high" but it is like this legal drug coffee, the high might be real but the low after that is also real. Like a recovered drug addict, I wish to try the drug again but I know once I get hooked I won't be able to get myself out of it again. Ah~ why don't I have something healthier to go to?

Selfish as I mentioned, giving in to my flesh, not keeping it for my future spouse (like if I'm gonna get one haha) but trying to settle for an easy way out now rather than building a long term healthier habit. 

I have another struggle though, wondering if my work would make me more unhealthy or is it just me taking an easy way out. Blaming others, my work, my lack of connection on others. Aih, why coffee no longer helps? Selfish as I said, I hope things go my way instead of facing them challenges one at a time. I don't have clarity again. Not sure where I'm going, why I'm doing what I'm doing or not doing what I'm not supposed to do. Tell me, am I alright?

Independence month 3

The loneliness is killing me...

Indeed my housemate is a good housemate but I need to expand my circle of friends. How lar in this pandemic? Can't even make friends with the neighborhood hawker haha

Well, the only other place I visited the most is the wet market. I 'kena saman' (received traffic summon) parking on the roadside blocking the shop. I should've listen to my housemate parking into the next car slot that probably block the shop but not on the road with yellow stripes. My bad. my bad.

I broke a sewing tool and I feel like going out and visit the wet market tomorrow morning just to get a breather. I'm stuck in the mental loop of work stress due to issues and tasks on hand. Well, all these going on is not helpful at all for my well being. Not only I put on weight, I'm not working hard enough for my mental health as well as diabetes control.

I feel damned. Why am I in this mess again? Why? Struggling to cope with the stressors in life, not easy. But I need to believe that I'm on the right track resisting the temptations to give up / give in. It's easy to give in, surrender but all that does is imprisonment. I'll be imprisoned by whatever I give in to... Like food, negative thoughts etc.

3rd month into my independence, am I doing good? I'm at least aware about myself, my belongings, my stuff, my good and bad, my stressors, my likings, my control and uncontrolled areas, my highs and lows, my needs and wants, ...

Hope keeps one alive. I just need to find more people to stay alive together. Keyword -- together. Not alone.

Independent month 2

Today marks the beginning of the 2nd month I moved out from my parents house. 30 days passed. God's provision on the table and protection of my days never decrease. 

Still fighting with the mosquitoes on some nights but generally improving the quality of my life with my handy and God-worshipping housemate.