Blessings upon blessings

Since the decision of moving out, I've been troubled until 2 times of communication, things are settled down and my family is accepting my leaving though not approving it.

However, different opinions, different people, responded differently. On one hand facing the disapproval of people, on the other hand blessings from various people giving away their unused / used extra stuff to fill up the empty rented house.

Yesterday, a good family friend stopped by and chatted a while. She reminded this, 'Consult Jesus'. Deep down inside, I know this is the right thing to do but at the same time I have a negative emotion surfaced -- Anger -- "Oh, you're saying I didn't consult Jesus on my moving out?" "How do you know I didn't?", all the defensive words started playing in my mind. I had to control my emotion, and I can feel difficulty breathing (also due to mask wearing in a hot humid environment). After she left, I moved on to other activities. (Her kind words are blessings too although it doesn't seem to be at that moment but it does trigger me to think about this and pray and ask God to reveal the underlying issues I have deep within)

This morning, I woke up with a dream of reconciliation between 2 friend, a boy and a girl. The girl was agree at the boy and just wouldn't tell it properly to the boy. I was a teacher, guiding the 2 of them out of the classroom and asking the girl to say what is she angry about the boy directly to his face. The boy shed tears and I woke up in an uneased emotion. As if I was the little girl with anger. Seems like my anger issue is still not fully resolved despite many rounds of prayer for forgiveness & inner healing to break the unforgiveness. 

But blessings from all around is indeed felt throughout Advent (new word I learn). First is people sending gifts to fill up the house. Then the process of getting to know my housemate-to-be, who is so kind and accepting. Plus my cousin who is so hospitable, cooked instant noodles with lots of sides for me and my housemate, and even allowed us to visit their decluttering items to see if any we need. On top of it is the revelation of my anger issue. 

God is a God of love. He gives us His blessings even though we do not fully obey Him all the time. Indeed, He does not treat us badly because we're not good enough but is willing to walk with us, help us, use us, to show us our greatest value in His eyes. He is the gift that blessed everyone~

不被理解、不被接纳，却还是要忍受这种孤独感——独立

When a person is independent. He/she is able to bear the feeling of being not accepted, being not understood by others. I think this is why many successful people are lonely because they are always doing something different from the norm to be / stay at the top of their game.

But I just realised this in the last few days. Even a normal person who strive to be independent needs to be able to take this on. Being independent also means accepting that I am different from others. We may have some commonalities but for the most of it we are different. We look different, we act different, we live different and our expectations differ.

Indeed when I experience this, I am experiencing the loneliness that comes with it. The price for independent is loneliness. I didn't expected it. No one can understand this.

The advent study for today -- Hope. The hope that is Christ / God. Not something seen. Definitely not the same as my expectations. Realising this is devastating because I always thought hope is something concrete, something that can be achieve but to my surprise, it it not. I might not even experience the fulfillment of this hope in my lifetime but I need to learn to rely on this hope. The hope that is for the hopeless and helpless. The hope that is the foundation of joy and peace. 

At the same time of experiencing independence that comes with a lot of negative emotions (unaccepted, uncomprehended, loneliness), God is showing me there is hope, not the hope I expected, not the hope that I thought will rescue me from these negative emotions, not the hope that will provide me positive energy, not the hope that I imagine. So, what is it? God himself will help me to comprehend THE HOPE -- source of joy and peace brought by Jesus Christ -- unfolded in the days to come.

Reason for uncomfortable feelings - comparison

I figured, why I would have that annoying feelings, uncomfortable feelings, almost close to angry kind of feelings when I spoke to my mom last night.

Because throughout the conversation, when she cannot understand why I feel that way, she started comparing my situation with my friends and eventually my siblings.

Since young, I'll be compared to my neighbour's son who is of my same age. Even later, I was compared to his wealth, marriage, and successfulness. All these, not from others but my mom.

Not only I'm expected to be the best among my siblings, I'm also expected to be better than others. 

Quote myself in the past when I struggle in my workplace, "I'm just a piece of wood, don't see me as a piece of metal." 

Well, I need to learn how to be free from this bondage. To unlearn this and learn God's way.

Move out = clear boundaries

 I suddenly flashed back about my thought to move out many many years ago when I was in my teenage years. 

I needed the space. The emotional space away from my mother, away from my uncontrolled thoughts about her control over my life.

Now, when I have the financial capability, I decided to do that but facing the challenge of getting my own things, deciding what to buy, what to pack, what to get, really makes me nervous. 

Well, I guess, with a clear boundaries, I should be able to think for myself, decide for myself and allow God to grow me into His likeness and not my mom's expectations. 

Still need God's heavy involvement and I trust that He is more than happy to do that. I just need to open my heart to sense His guidance.

沟通--是为了让你了解我还是让我了解你？

昨晚，我把对妈妈说的话，对她说了。

她仍旧不明白为何我要搬出去。总觉得如果我在家做不到，更别说离开可以改变什么。她说，我不明白我给了你那么多自由、在家可以随你的意思去行，为何还会感到压力？

她举了一些例子：

1. 家务事都没让你做了，怎么还压力？你看你朋友可以在家里不帮忙吗？

我说人家家里和我们家不一样，无法比较。

2. 我建议安排时间表，她还是说，这些你应该自己自动自发做的。你看你弟，都会自己把衣服浸好放到洗衣机里。每天早上出门前还会告诉我他出门了。

3. 你朋友寄住妹妹家，搬出去是合理的。你有什么理由？

4. 你这是去租房子，为何不等到买房子了或者嫁人了才搬？

5. 你租房子还买什么家私电器。

说真的，到最后，我只觉得她把自己害怕的情况套在我身上：

1. 搬家是很辛苦的

2. 租房子不可以随心布置

3. 在家不能改变还指望出去能？

4. 在家没做家务出去会？

我不懂也不可能懂。她也不理解我。

我觉得沟通是让我说完了我要讲的。对方真的能不能够接受我不知道。

她总是重复她觉得对她好的：

1. 早餐最重要，怎么可以不吃？

我说糖尿病就不是一定得吃早餐。还解释了一堆我怎么实验去照顾自己，还是没有找到方法。她又说我爸。还说自己怎么个勤劳照顾自己好让自己不生病，不然家里的人会为此而忙。我真的不为所动。我怎么个就要和你的生活方式一样吗？

2. 一定要运动。你看我每天运动，身体不痛。

我说，我试过了不能早上运动，会睏而无法继续工作。

她不解。忙解释以前她也以为会这样但事实，做了更精神。

我是试过了才说我的总结的。她听到了吗？

3. 每天洗衣服、晒衣服是应该的。你不这么做，表示你还没预备好结婚。到时你连孩子的衣服都不知道在哪里，洗没洗。

我无语。标签贴的真好。

4. 扫地抹地都没让你做了，只是收衣服而已会有压力吗？

我说的话，她只听到了例子，没听到我说压力来源是我不想辜负她的期待。

5. 你常说吃原型食物，那你为何还吃蛋白粉？

我说我在实验什么才是有效的。我的身体唯一有效就是全天液体禁食才能降到7。

她说，7还是很高。

她不明白我比她更紧张因为效果没有预期好。

-----

我的感受是：

- 唯有你的方法是对的，我做什么都不对。

- 我就是不懂照顾自己不会自动自发，怎么当别人的妈。我都还没当妈，怎么个着？

- 其实我也赶不上我身体的变化。我也以为做什么可以有效，但就是没有效。我能怎样啊？她的理由是我没有好像她，早餐一定吃，每天运动，规律家务，自己做饭而不外食。--是吗？我做不到你的规律。我的工作也和你不同啊。

- 我要每天开朗，笑脸迎人。你为何不想想我为何苦恼压力？还不是因为我不同？

我这几天都睡不好。我没说。我已经觉得再说也没用。

我本来放松了的身体想说可以计划每星期回来，可是看来我不知道几时才能突破了。我真的很想立马出去，不再回来。一刀两断？也许这就是情绪被勒索久了的窒息感。

我做梦都梦到要买房子。

我不要在活在她的期待里面了！

“我受够了等待你所谓的安排！”套用蔡依林的倒带来宣泄我的情绪。

我的不同不被认同。我很难在她的期待里面活出自己。将来，我是要把自己寄托在上帝的真理上还是我妈妈的标准里？我必须为自己决定并且负责。说到底，我要逃离这份窒息的爱。捆绑我的是我自己，所以我需要学孟母三迁，把自己放进好的影响力里边去学习新的模式。

期待吧，期待搬出去的惊险刺激。

期待看见上帝的作为。

今晚就是我的最后一个实体家庭祭坛。珍惜吧。

以后还要讨论种种我要带走的东西和留下的东西。希望其他家人可以理解。不理解也罢。不要再被这些情感拉扯着我了 -- 让我窒息的爱。