Growing Old (feat. Back to Past)

The life where it begins...

Nearly 40 years ago, the little town I grew up is really a little town. Today, the town no longer little, my room has grown 3 to 4 times bigger.

From a tight knitted family because everyone stayed in a small space of 2 bedrooms for 6 people until 1 bedroom each with toilet attached but the heart grew further apart.

A small house where everyone has a part to play becomes a big house where phone calls are needed to tell that dinner is ready.

She wanted a big house. Her dream house with garden to be mended by him but he is too forgetful by the time.

She wanted all her children to get married but never thought that her children will leave the nest.

She worried for everyone but only through strong words saying none are good enough.

Growing old is scary. Scarier and dying young. Her mom just lying on the bed talking to herself loudly. While she busy taking care of food etc. He getting dementia, forgetting even if he had eaten his previous meal. 

Seeing how life gets old seems scary. Becoming forgetful, lonely, and disabled. How would I want to become?

I used to think the past seems so beautiful. That time I was innocent, naive, feels good and loved. As I grow older, I discover the ugly side of being adults, the difficulty of fighting diseases, the terrible part of hopelessness, and the worse wait for the end of life.

Well, growing old. How to avoid it?

It is inevitable that everyone grows old. But some escaped dying young. Are they better not growing old?

Old without money, without shelter, cannot walk, cannot self care, no one else around, better die early and not growing old.

Why shall I grow old? Shall I ask God to take me away when I reach 60? By then my friends are few, my life lonely, might have to check-in to old folks home or shall I just buy a house and die inside? Muahahaha... Why growing old feels so terrible 😔

Voice Mailbox Message

This voice message is so true:

"You have reached <my name>. I must be busy, asleep, or avoiding you. Please leave a message"

Refer to the first 2 minutes in  Silent Witness S18E09 Part 1

Sick ~ Taken care

I've been ill quite frequently. Both physically and emotionally. I have a wonderful and amazing housemate who takes care of me by cooking meals for me and pray with and for me. 

She fell sick today. I am concerned but I don't know what to do and how to help her. I tried to give her some suggestions, cook something, pack some of her favourite food. I tried to be a good housemate. But...

Am I good enough? -- I'm so insecure. I feel that one day I will be unfriended because I'm not living up to her standard. 

-- This is a serious matter. The insecurity is burning me inside. 

My distorted view of the whole situation... Am I sick? 

Being taken care of is a pretty addictive feeling. Remain sick then, am I? 

My brain is sick. Unable to think correctly.

A memory

After exactly 15 years, it's still complicated to remember the details. Affecting me, avoiding the feelings that got stirred up. 

Time to declutter this part of the memory. A memory that should be gone together with some of my physical stuff that was moved from my parents house to mine but not really unpacked and settled with.

2 weeks after CNY, my stuff is still stuck in that room (RM 500 to rent out), I need to really really make an effort to go through those stuff despite the emotional roller coaster to do this but long overdue task to release the room for rent. Owe my housemate big time for such a convenience that she gave me. 3 months already and I'm still occupying 2 rooms!

They have to go. All the stuff just need to be decided and put into their right places. Once done, I believe I'll release myself from the bondage of the memory. Let go and let go. Let go of the memory and let go of myself.

Remember doesn't mean I have to be impacted but unless they can be a lesson to me, no point to even remember them, right?

The heart is the problem. It remembers the emotions and could trigger fear and negative thoughts that creates a mental bondage. My heart needs to be decluttered of that piece of memory to be released from the mental bondage, to be free to feel. Yes, freedom I need. The Bible says, the truth will set you free. I need to revisit the memory with Christ's help. To transform them from bondage to freedom. 

mistake

Today, I made a mistake. One that should've never been made. Trust is broken, lesson is learnt. No one blamed me but I could've prevented it from happening...

A bright Sunday morning, before dawn, I woke up, brushed my teeth, wash my face and started putting on make-up and even lipstick, waxed my hair too! So, then early I went to church to get ready for the service.

I started checking the words on the slides but I skipped the hymns after checking with the preparer that the songs were sang before. Little did I know some slides were jumbled up and it makes the chairperson looked bad and might have affected the first time chairperson negatively.

Anyway, it's a lesson I learn, never take another shortcut. Never.

It's just like my housemate and I went to the same wet market. We parked illegally on the roadside but my housemate never get summon but I did again. 

Just have to pay for my own mistakes. Sometimes, the price is more than I can bear, have to becareful not to shortcut my way again.

Selfishness - self fulfillment

3 months into the new environment. 1 major thing changed, I feel more to myself and less of God. So much less that nothing feels satisfying. 

My work grew more intense with higher work load and crazy overtime as it moves closer to an end. I'm emotionally drained. I don't know what to do, who to talk to.  Although talking to God seems to be the way out but I'm back to my pattern -- escape. Running away from the truth that I'd rather not face. My incapability to complete a job based on deadlines. I could finish it if I get the "time" to complete it to my satisfaction but reality doesn't allow it. Help me, O God.

Do I have a savior mentality to only appear when there's a problem? I could stay up until 6:30am to observe my colleague tackling a deployment. And then keep on "helping" him to solve a few problems later. But when it comes back to my routine timeline, my own work, it's so dull and I don't see the end of things and dragging my own feet to get it done sooner.

A few unwanted thoughts that feel good creeped into my brain and making me feel uneasy especially in front of my housemate. I need a high in my brain and exercise couldn't give me the "high" no more. It just make me feel tired after doing it. I have that urge ha, the sexual desire that I know can give me the "high" but it is like this legal drug coffee, the high might be real but the low after that is also real. Like a recovered drug addict, I wish to try the drug again but I know once I get hooked I won't be able to get myself out of it again. Ah~ why don't I have something healthier to go to?

Selfish as I mentioned, giving in to my flesh, not keeping it for my future spouse (like if I'm gonna get one haha) but trying to settle for an easy way out now rather than building a long term healthier habit. 

I have another struggle though, wondering if my work would make me more unhealthy or is it just me taking an easy way out. Blaming others, my work, my lack of connection on others. Aih, why coffee no longer helps? Selfish as I said, I hope things go my way instead of facing them challenges one at a time. I don't have clarity again. Not sure where I'm going, why I'm doing what I'm doing or not doing what I'm not supposed to do. Tell me, am I alright?

Independence month 3

The loneliness is killing me...

Indeed my housemate is a good housemate but I need to expand my circle of friends. How lar in this pandemic? Can't even make friends with the neighborhood hawker haha

Well, the only other place I visited the most is the wet market. I 'kena saman' (received traffic summon) parking on the roadside blocking the shop. I should've listen to my housemate parking into the next car slot that probably block the shop but not on the road with yellow stripes. My bad. my bad.

I broke a sewing tool and I feel like going out and visit the wet market tomorrow morning just to get a breather. I'm stuck in the mental loop of work stress due to issues and tasks on hand. Well, all these going on is not helpful at all for my well being. Not only I put on weight, I'm not working hard enough for my mental health as well as diabetes control.

I feel damned. Why am I in this mess again? Why? Struggling to cope with the stressors in life, not easy. But I need to believe that I'm on the right track resisting the temptations to give up / give in. It's easy to give in, surrender but all that does is imprisonment. I'll be imprisoned by whatever I give in to... Like food, negative thoughts etc.

3rd month into my independence, am I doing good? I'm at least aware about myself, my belongings, my stuff, my good and bad, my stressors, my likings, my control and uncontrolled areas, my highs and lows, my needs and wants, ...

Hope keeps one alive. I just need to find more people to stay alive together. Keyword -- together. Not alone.

Independent month 2

Today marks the beginning of the 2nd month I moved out from my parents house. 30 days passed. God's provision on the table and protection of my days never decrease. 

Still fighting with the mosquitoes on some nights but generally improving the quality of my life with my handy and God-worshipping housemate.