Importance.Significance

I'm nor significant nor important. My story is just bogging people down. Everybody has a story, what's mine to tell?

What's the end game of life? I'd rather the doctor tells me you only have 1 month to live. That's when the life can start to have the end game. To live life as if it's going to end. To have NO accumulation of anything, to have NO story that will be boring to tell, to have NO one to please, to have

最近……

1. 开心吗？有人问我。
2. 为什么为了公司开会而推迟我的复诊日期到4个月后？我自问。
3. 生病了为什么不多休息？
4. 为什么会生病？
5. 在往后的5年我希望自己的生活会是怎样的？

最近别人和自己都问了这许多的问题。

1. 做不到为什么硬撑？
2. 是不是我应该做的？还是我多走了一里路？
3. 我的老板是谁？是请我工作的还是给我公司工程的客户？

到底我开心不开心？是我的心态还是

郁闷

如果郁闷可以当食物，我应该撑死了。

郁闷

释义：

是一种情感层面表现状况。

它是特别憋屈的感觉，特别闹心， 但又感到无可奈何不知如何是好，还没办法发泄的内心感受， 特别茫然纠结的一种状态。

好贴切的形容词。

我的心里的压力锅又泛滥了。

渲泄不出来的是一种我明白你不能，那我来咯；可是我也该有自己的生活。为什么我要为了那些＂不关我的事＂而烦心？别人的工作应该他们自己负责，我又为何过分在乎？是的，他住很远，父亲身体不好；而他有孩子，放工还得照顾孩子；我，家人安康，家离办公室又近，所以我就应该。但是我不想。

啊～～～～～～～

写了一堆还是没有舒缓的感觉。。。迫切

情绪激动的一天

没想到，几个月前我自己已经在部落格中发表了这篇私の日記: 异象 vs 放肆，到今天这地方还是一样。



我不知道我很用力的帮助公司挽回面子，帮别人擦屁股，搞到自己压力大、便秘，是为了什么。我真的不知道自己干嘛这么努力。而那个该负责的人却不了了之。



他是因为压力大而不能把工作做好，还是公司没有一个很好的系统帮助他，还是他自己的工作系统出了问题，还是……？我不明白。也许完美在他的字典里缺席了。



我不是要诉苦，可是我苦不堪言。我身不由己。我啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~~~~~~~



还要想办法控制自己的情绪，身体疲累，工作还是做不完…… T_T

Four (Dysfunctional) Things We Do to Avoid Disapproval (from Psychology Today)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/four-dysfunctional-things-we-do-avoid-disapproval

异象 vs 放肆

在圣经中，“异象”通畅是指上帝用“神异之象”来启示祂的心意，而现在我们通常用“异象”（vision，或称愿景）这个词指着上帝感动我们所要达成的终极目的。“异象”也是表达一个组织存在的理由。 夏忠坚牧师在《我们起来建造吧》一书总分享：圣经说“没有异象，民就放肆。”若要建造一间礼拜堂，只把营建工人召来，却没有设计图，工人就无从建造。建造教会也是如此，异象正式建造教会的天上蓝图。 如果没有明确的异象，同工信徒就会依照自己的负担，各有各的方向与事工，而教会发展就因此受阻，而如果有明确的异象，同工和信徒就有献身的所在；就能同心协力建造教会，就能集中人力资源在与异象相关的建造上；就能设立明确的目标；就能有明确的评估标准。 上帝给每个教会的托付都不太一样，有如“城市社区型教会”、“合一宣教 城市植堂”等。基督时报就教会异象话题采访了数位城市教会牧者，邀请他们分享异象对于教会的意义，各自教会异象的丰富内涵，以及上帝借着异象对教会的带领。希望通过对异象话题的分享，帮助教会认识异象的重要性以及建立异象的原则，在神的心意中建立教会。

摘自http://www.christiantimes.cn/topic/108/show

很贴切的表达了我的挣扎。在一个没有明确异象的工作中，大家各自走各自的路。。。

Reflection : Safety Stop

Resemblance diving safety stop

一直不断重复的情况

我的工作又再一次陷入了与我的性格不和谐的情况。如果我要做好，我要花很大的力气。

就像从前我的成绩是全班第30名但是想像第1名的同学的成绩一样，结果弄巧反拙；超越自己的努力了两天就累垮了。我依稀还记得那种精神上的压力和痛苦，我告诉自己这样子不行，我不是铁不可以当铁烧。

后来，读到孟子的一段话：
“故天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。” 《孟子·告子下》

虽然我不是什么文学才女，但是这短短的一句还是学了起来。其中讲到一个人要身负重任之前必须经过种种的磨练。我在想，我所经历的是一种磨练吗？可是真的需要这般的痛苦以致于我觉得如此的人生是没有希望的吗？还是因为我没有学会怎么处理这样的情况所以才会一直为此困扰？

1年半前接下了一份新工作。因为是新的东西，很有兴趣学习。但是在学习的过程中又不会耗损自己。3个月前，这份工作有了改变，工作的伙伴不同了，工作的内容更是有巨大的不同。原以为这个改变是自己可以应付得来的，可是3个月后的今天，我感觉好像当初拼成绩的时候一般耗损了自己。不管是在时间的付出或者是在精神上的压力都比3个月以前来得多好多倍。

我的健康开始倒退，我花了6个月的努力建立的健康习惯变成了泡影。我时常饮用含咖啡因的饮料让自己可以继续。也许其他同事也很压力但是他们是已经身在其中，而我是新加入的。我在这个月底想完成的目标看来是遥不可及了。

我在想，是我的问题吗？是我的问题吗？是公司的问题吗？是老板的问题吗？是同事的问题吗？是工作项目的问题吗？是客户的问题吗？还是我的问题？

终究，我还是自问，是我的问题吗？为什么这个情况一直不断在我的生命中出现？重复性的出现？

Kaya Puff @ Madeleine Patisserie Studio in E@T Digi D'House

Kaya Puff, a type of puff with coconut paste filling!

Surprisingly, today the cafe roll out this new pastry and I bought it with the idea that it will taste overly sweet but it turns out just nice! The danish dough just tasted wonderfully with a lot of the "kaya" paste that is not too sweet. It just brightens up my day! This is not your traditional kaya kok, which is made thin sliced for the crunchiness but this has a little bit of western twist to make it pie like with thick filling!

The cashier from Sri Lanka also shared that 'kaya' means rich! Yes! It never registered in my mind that kaya puff is rich puff! And I learned something new just by buying food from the same cafe. It shows that routine can also bring creativity or new things.

And I also learned that Melacca the English spelling of Melaka is going to be removed and replaced with Melaka, which to me it is fine as Melaka has the flavour of Malaysia compare to the more English liked version 'Melacca'.

Well, food and travel. Isn't that the greatest way to relax oneself!

*Muaks*

Self Doubt

Hmm.... is self-doubt somewhat like inferior?

What does inferior feel like?

I just learnt recently that I have difficulty expressing myself and another discovery is that I don't have a strong heart.

Ah, well, is that low self-esteem, self-doubt or inferior?

hmm....

Addiction--a need to get going.

Are you addicted to something?

May be it's love?

May be it's money?

May be it's sugar?

May be it's attention?

May be it's approval from someone?

Everyone might have a little addiction somewhere in their life.

I, am addicted to endorphins (aka 'Feel-Good' chemicals).

Just like a sugar rush, when it is low, a person couldn't function with high spirit for example a melancholy.

It can be obtained via good source or not so good ones.

A good source like exercise, gathering with good friends, laughing, smiling, etc.

A not so good source like alcohol, caffeine, carbonated sugary drinks, just 'good old' plain sugar, etc.

Well, sometimes, that part of the brain might be so depleted, a mixture of both good and not so good sources are used to obtained the feelings of pleasure.

But who, doesn't want to feel good? Who prefers stress, sadness, angry, over happy?

Well, that's why I have an addiction -- a need to get going. The need of endorphins.

The Story of "The Broken Pot"

The Broken Pot
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws.

Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness your strength is made perfect.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

"I don't know what you saw in me, to give your life for me."

When I feel unworthy, I remember Jesus Christ gave His life for me to make me whole and precious. I may not feel it at the moment but I know it.

生之救主

生之救主，爱我的灵魂；
竭尽所能为我牺牲。

爱我的君王，和平的君王；
十字架上仍赐盼望。

在您里面有活水涌流，
使我饥渴的灵得饱足。

生命的源头，生命的尽头，
都在你手中、掌控中。

一切都成空，应许不落空，
三日复活，后升天空。

您去预备那美好的地方，
您必再来接我回天家；
永永远远在您的家。

Nutritional Therapy Day 4

Day 2 and 3 was quite bad ... My body seems to have too much reaction towards the supplements and dizziness strikes.

Today, I was off 1 of the supplements for thyroid and it seems like the symptoms has reduced.

However I had some hypoglycemic events over the past 3 days because the gap between lunch and dinner is too wide. Some junks and sweet stuff were consumed to compensate for those moments.

Lack of fiber as well might have contributed to the feeling of unsatisfied.

Another noticeable thing is diarrhea. The poop is actually not a lot but it happened frequently and the stool looks like mud.

Well, there you go, the perseverance is required to continue to push on! Push.Until.Something.Happen!

Nutritional Therapy Day 1

Decided to embark on a nutritional therapy to achieve my 2017 resolution.

Restarting my diet and fitness regime. Hopefully this time with a little more patience, persistence, and perseverance.

There could be hypoglycemic episodes when my body is adjusting. This is one crucial process to endure through. Previously, this is where I will give up and consume not healthy variety.

Patience is needed to not expect miracles in the first 2-3 weeks. At least 4-5 weeks to see some results.

Discipline is the only way this will work. Need to control what time I put what into my mouth. Need to monitor my blood glucose consistently, need a way to track the trend.

May God be with me as I commit myself to achieve physical fitness. Eventually, I'll have more to give than needs to be fulfilled.

Day 1:
Fasting BG 12.2
Breakfast : 15ml coconut oil
Lunch : Chicken Chop with salad
Dinner : veggies soup
Pre-workout BG 5.2
Post-workout BG 7.6
Before sleep BG 6.9

Had iced Americano 500ml throughout the whole day. Feeling jittery pre workout, weak during workout but normal after workout.

Feeling hungry before sleep and jittery despite high BG. Yellowish urine. Had the last 50ml of coffee before dinner though.

Day 1 success! Moving on to day 2~

Transformation 101

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1‭-‬2 MSG http://bible.com/97/rom.12.1-2.MSG

私人空间

我好不喜欢别人侵犯我的私人空间。就像是触碰/使用我的东西。尤其是习惯性地进入我的空间。拜托，难道我必须画线在地上才能阻止别人入侵吗？

我暗示了还不明白。明示的说了还是不懂。我发脾气了。虽然，我的东西摆在那里不常用，但是，那是我的空间里的东西，不是你随意可以使用的。

那是我的——私人空间！

幼稚

以前听人家说：＂你们长大以后回想就会发现现在的自己很幼稚。＂

这句话我要用来提醒我自己。

我赌气，因为我很失望。我觉得应该可以更好的却没有如期发生。是我的问题吗？还是对方的问题？结果我在心里默默地对自己说：＂我不要跟他好了。＂好幼稚的想法，不是吗？

后来我想起了小时候大人说的话，我恍然大悟。虽然心里还是闷闷地，可是却也无奈。因为对方也是被逼的走投无路才会酿成如此的悲剧发生。我不应该生气，可是我很无助、无奈。

离开前曾经应许可以帮忙的……离开之后的回应却让我无可奈何，默默忍受着慌乱。也许是我成长的机会，我自我安慰的说。

也许朋友就只能到此为止？我们问了自己好多次。值得吗？值得吗？我知道他尽力了，但是我的需要并没有被照顾到……我如今上岸了吗？还没有。仍然在漂浮中。是浮是沉他也无瑕问津。

算了吧，我很希望自己能够忘记这一段日子，可是我咽不下那口气。我说有时候记性太好只是一种咒诅，因为该放下的放不下。

好幼稚的我，又开始写部落格的我。