A new covenant

I made a new covenant in front of a pastor couple, God, Jesus, the heavenly hosts, and devil and its followers.

I should do my best to keep it.

Guardian Angel

A game that has been played since 20 years ago until now...

Fate makes me the person who picked her own name...

I'm my own guardian angel eh, so nice, I surely knows what I want and I surely knows what I like, what I need. No fuss.

Ain't that perfect pick haha!

心·灵·体

心——很纠结、很痛
灵——很郁闷、很不知所措

原来了解真的会让两个人分开得更远，除非两人共同决定了要一起生活。

唯有通过教会诗歌使心灵感到一丝安慰。

有些人、有些事，忍着痛也必须放下。毫不犹豫地，放下！

但是这过程不是一天一夜可以做到的。需要时间的配合，让心灵得到重生，使人真正获得自由！

体——不自在

当身体产生变化的时候，就不是平时它习惯的操作，也就会不自在。这都是必经之路。脱胎换骨是漫长、痛苦的过程，但是新的开始将会在痛苦过去以后被快乐迎接。

旅行，让心、灵、体得到了休息，但同时也得到了新的领悟。人总是不断学习，关于自己、别人、和人相处的种种关系。有时候，磨合之中产生了火花；又或者需要磨去棱角；又或者很适合，都是一个学习的过程。当中，有的人成长，有的人停滞，有的人挣扎。

当我们看清楚了我们的关系，也就看见了彼此如何相处的契机。要不然，大家都很痛苦的在一起，压抑着心灵体的成熟。

#大阪旅行后感

没有烟抽的日子

觉得这个题目好！
虽然只是尝过几口，却不禁想说，到底抽烟是解闷？解愁？还是精神？

根据一些科学研究，似乎抽烟可以暂时舒缓神经。听一个朋友戒烟后说，其实抽烟的人只是在做深呼吸让自己精神而已。就算不抽烟也可以精神。

＃没有烟抽的日子

完全放下

完全放下原来是一种解脱。一种释放。一种对自己的宽容。
但是实际上是不容易的。并不是口头上说我放下了，或者在心里重复催眠自己放下就能够做到的。

先说吧，看完《我的少女时代》让我彻底把过去放下了。同时我也发现在职的工作进入尾声时，我不知道自己在干嘛。快要离职了，我没有任何方向。

跟人家说有用吗？最后我还是得自己决定，自己行动。后来我决定在这里写。

寂寞侵蚀了大部分的空间，占据了大部分的时间。我才发现原来失去了工作（不再是工作狂）会那么不知所措。

想跟别人倾吐却不想有这两种结局，别人说太多，顶不顺；别人什么都不说，好像我吵到别人了。

写在这里，大概没有人看。但我总觉得我好像已经说出来了……

咽一口气，爽。

放下吧。完全放下了才能够从那里爬起来再往前走。

是上帝吗？冥冥中祂早已预备吧。

没有生活的勇气比工作狂的生活来得更加可怕。有些人说，你的生活那么美好，为什么想不开？美好不是从你的角度看，而是从我的窗口望出去。

半途而废吗？从小就是这么一般。喜欢上聪明的人，他们却喜欢更聪明的人。

独立吗？我也不想这样。从小也就养成了这样的个性。

容易受骗吗？还以为捡到小便宜却吃了大亏。

懒惰吗？只是没办法接受失败而没有勇气去追求。

爱吗？连暗恋都要强迫自己放下，连我自己都觉得好笑了。

我给自己的一句话：“I don't need to be fixed, I just need to be connected”

放下吧，完全的放下我自己。

时间不是成长的证明

一晃时间就已经前进了8个月。我，和我的心智，却没有因时间的进行而有任何的前进。回顾这几个月，反而觉得自己想用坚强的外表来掩饰自己的软弱。缩在龟壳里，觉得很安全。每回探头往外看，看到别人的完美，开始介意自己的不完美。

 没有办法成为那完美的形象；自暴自弃。

也许我渴慕已久的，是一直延迟的休息 。休息是一段不需要发挥任何专业（完美形象）的时间；一个真实面对自己的空间。

时间不是成长的证明，因为时间从来没有背负任何的使命。它只是默默地为我们记录了当时的空间；时间是一个空间的纪录。

 我需要一个空间（一段时间）来接受自己，面对我这个人，接纳我的不完美。也许是一个月，也许是两个月，也许更久，我不知道。给我一点时间，让我休息，面对自己。

爱

一年多了…没想到一晃就过去了。

当初那种纯纯的爱还存在吗？

有一些人在生命中曾经出现，依然关心，却不再亲密。

有一些人依然保持联系却不再关心。

还有一些曾经是过客，如今已是萍水之交。

爱，在当中都曾经出现过。

对于心里已经知道的事情，有时候还是会隐隐作痛；但知道，唯有如此是唯一的出口。继续沉迷其中只会无法自拔，终究依然是心痛收场。

伤心在爱里面扮演一个很重要的角色。一个衡量的尺度。无论多么相爱总是会经过风雨和伤心。

你爱我吗？我可以这样问你吗？其实心里有数，所以还是免得更伤心。

如果可以保持当年那份纯纯的爱，也许伤心就不会流泪了。

有时候自私是不够自信；有时候是没有信心。

爱。若不是因为爱着你。。。

到底爱是太复杂了…

简单爱却无法简单过。因为我们都不简单！

好好爱吧，你和你爱的人。

Sense

当我又重新和自己的情绪连上时，我开始觉得不知所措。

当我的敏锐力让我察觉到四周围的变化，我感到无助。

知道却没有办法改变的事，始终要学会接受。所以为了减少伤害，我轻易选择逃避。

我很喜欢的人，我宁愿保持现状。改变所带来可能的摧残让我却步。

感受到某人即将离开却舍不得。毕竟是因为某人的劝说和协助让我开始适应了现状。

朋友之间亲密的界限让我摸不着头脑。只好慢慢来，学习自己的限度。

忙碌也许让我逃避责任--对自己当负的责任。

很多要做的事，我却不懂重点/中心点在哪里，结果像忙头苍蝇乱闯，让自己很累。

朋友要结婚了，祝福她幸福。

对于别人的能干，相较之下我更没办法接受。去挑战让自己变更好，我无力。就像一个失败者，看到别人已经向前冲了，就会自动弃权。心里说，他那么好，你选他吧，我一点不起眼儿。

找不到自己。。。痛苦
别人的期待。。。负担
对自己负责。。。逃避

下半辈子。。。该如何。。。

Happiness

What does it mean?

2013

2013年已经过了2个月，今年的展望进行得如何啦？

2013 年

不知不觉在这家新公司已经1年半了。

我成就了什么？
我还要改变什么？

很累啦，我已经一而再再而三的觉得，人生不过就是现在过去，好过继续迷茫30年。

昨晚，我说出了心里话，“如果明天死去还好， 只怕明天不死，30年的植物人更是生不如死！”

如果没有明天，我今天依然如此。是我没有任何挂念还是我坦然了。

今年我计划腾出时间所以放下了许多包袱。可是，昨晚被问了，
“那，你计划要干吗？”
“不知道，总之先有时间才能去计划罢。”

今年，2013年，我，如何？如何？

3 months

不知不觉过了3个月。
我说我是不是后知后觉才写了上面那句话？

如果可以，我想要暂时离开一切。关心我的人让我感到无限压力，因为我总是想着怎么满足别人的关心。搞到自己很累，别人也很累。

我……到底想要什么？
我……看到自己的结局了吗？
我……希望在未来的一天里达到什么？
我……我……

唉，我既不为别人而活也不知如何为自己活。
早该在10年前就开始想怎么样爱自己就不会这么漫无目的的了。。。

我很不错嘛？怎么我总觉得不够好？怎么做都不够好，还是放弃了。

前途茫茫
我……我……

怎么还是没有一点进步的说？

New

New job. New room. New life?

When things change, I am still unchanged...

If you hope for a different result with the same action, you're just merely insane... please count me in at this moment...

I wanted to change but change just does not come easily.

I put in extra effort and then I started to feel tired, slowly exhausted, and in the end I might give up...

Can I pull through this new challenge to gain back my life?

Bacn

"email you want but not right now."
"better than spam, but not as good as a personal email"

Last working day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd

Today is my last day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd after a period of 3 years and 11 months.

My coach told me this:
3 good points to bring with me:

1. Contribution - I have contributed my part towards the success of the company's new product suite. 
2. Pride - MyBiz is able to compete with international IT giants and still win the competition!
3. Respect - Even though the clients are fussy at first, they respect MyBiz for the effort to make the project success!

Some points to be noted:

1. Ignorance of weakness - I try to use my strength to survive the competitive IT world and pretend that I do not have weaknesses and refuse to grow.
2. Do not satisfy with mediocre - make sure I don't fall into the vicious cycle that after a blink of an eye I realised it's 10 years passed and yet I did not achieve anything in life.

I have taken note of the points that my coach and CEO gave before I left the company.

Yes, indeed, I need to see myself growing but I am not able to make it without leaving the company.

I thank MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd for giving me the opportunity to grow and taught me great lessons that have benefited me for my future career and life.

So long, Sayonara.

Hand over report vs Manual

I cannot find any prove to indicate that the hand over document has any difference from a manual.

How can a hand over report be completed in three days?!

I should've started the report since the day I tender my resignation and make it clear that no other jobs shall be given during that period of time in order for me to complete my hand over report.

Yet, this is another lesson to learn: Start your handover report from the first day of your work. This is not to ensure that you change job in the near future but it is to ensure that this report will help you and your successor to work more effectively. It is also a good way to organise a job in a structured way. By writing it down in details can also let others to review and improve each process to make the work better.

All the best with hand overs!

Looking Back 2006

Recently I quit my job. In order to properly handover my current job, I went back to look for the document I did when I was a trainee in year 2006. I just cannot believe that I did such a great job back then. No wonder the company is willing to hire me when I came back after I graduate from uni in 2007.

Looking at myself now, I am not doing well. In fact, I am worse than then. What happened between 2006-2010? I seriously need to take a look back then to find out what went wrong to avoid getting into the vicious cycle again.

Some people told me I am still doing well but I myself know that I am not and I created more worries than ever to move on/forward. I used to be a person with the leadership charisma but now, I'm just a timid follower... That much of a difference I cannot believe it!

I want to be back to the confident me again...

Coincidence!!!!!

I thought I haven't been posting for quite some time but it's actually 2 weeks only.

Well, today I had this most "coincident" encounter! First, in the morning the system that is going UAT has all users turned Inactive due to a batch program! **Sweat~

Then, in the evening, is where the weird comes, we went to the first place -- Paramount Loh Pan Mee, closed! Fine, we thought it was just one, so we move on to the next one, Nasi Lemak, it was relocated to the back lane + no parking, we moved on to Kampung Baru Sungai Buloh Dim Sum and closed!! Then the nearest good food is Manjalara Yong Tau Fu, we went there, closed!!! Oh! Then nearby has a Wan Tan Mee stall, we went off the car, CLOSED!!!! Walau! My friend commented, better go buy Toto sure win! No such coincident in life until 4 different places is closed on the same night!

What a Tuesday~

Migraine -> Meditation

Last week, I had a migraine attack again. I went to see doctor. He didn't ask whether I was sick when I step into the room. Instead, he kept talking to me. First, he asked, are you a diabetic. Yes, I am. What are the medications you are on? And I told him the name of my medicine. That started him off. He said, you know, doctors cannot help you. I was in a shocked. What?! He continued, they can only drug you and eventually cause kidney failure on you. I was drugged! I am a drug addict now... Oh no, how did I move into this situation?!

Then he said, the only thing that can help you is meditation. Huh?! I am so confused. Why is he telling me about meditation? I didn't ask what kinda meditation is that because to me, meditation is to think about God and His word everyday. God is amazing. When nothing works, he is creative in all ways. He used this doctor to talk to me. I can only think of Him when the doctor is yada yada - ing.

Finally, after around 5 minutes of lecturing, he asked, so what's wrong with you today? My sweat almost come out! Thank God, the migraine wasn't that terrible. If I had serious migraine, I wouldn't have been vomiting at his desk. After diagnosis and prescribing, he went on again, we doctors also cannot help you with the migraine. There is no cure to it. It is only through meditation and some of my patients who tried and was cured. You think about it (meditation) and see me if you would really like to do the meditation.

I left and I got His message for me.

The Lord said, ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ in Jeremiah 33:3. This is like when you meet a friend on the street, and you are not able to talk for a long time but would really like to meet up again, you would say 'call me to meet up ya.' This time, He cannot keep quite. He knew I wouldn't do anything to help myself and He used this doctor to ask me to call to Him when I need help!

Isn't this amazing and wonderful!

I have no voice now and I really cannot call anyone to talk to but surely, God need not the physical phone. I can reach Him with my heart! He is the only one I can talk to now!

度假

度假最开心的是可以什么都不做，因为住旅店都有人打理而且如果你有钱，还可以饭来张口的说！

可是，一结束就似乎从梦境中回到现实。一种无形的失落感充满全身。

有人说人生如梦，梦如人生。如果人生真的如梦，为什么没有梦境中的悠哉游哉？