Selfishness - self fulfillment

3 months into the new environment. 1 major thing changed, I feel more to myself and less of God. So much less that nothing feels satisfying. 

My work grew more intense with higher work load and crazy overtime as it moves closer to an end. I'm emotionally drained. I don't know what to do, who to talk to.  Although talking to God seems to be the way out but I'm back to my pattern -- escape. Running away from the truth that I'd rather not face. My incapability to complete a job based on deadlines. I could finish it if I get the "time" to complete it to my satisfaction but reality doesn't allow it. Help me, O God.

Do I have a savior mentality to only appear when there's a problem? I could stay up until 6:30am to observe my colleague tackling a deployment. And then keep on "helping" him to solve a few problems later. But when it comes back to my routine timeline, my own work, it's so dull and I don't see the end of things and dragging my own feet to get it done sooner.

A few unwanted thoughts that feel good creeped into my brain and making me feel uneasy especially in front of my housemate. I need a high in my brain and exercise couldn't give me the "high" no more. It just make me feel tired after doing it. I have that urge ha, the sexual desire that I know can give me the "high" but it is like this legal drug coffee, the high might be real but the low after that is also real. Like a recovered drug addict, I wish to try the drug again but I know once I get hooked I won't be able to get myself out of it again. Ah~ why don't I have something healthier to go to?

Selfish as I mentioned, giving in to my flesh, not keeping it for my future spouse (like if I'm gonna get one haha) but trying to settle for an easy way out now rather than building a long term healthier habit. 

I have another struggle though, wondering if my work would make me more unhealthy or is it just me taking an easy way out. Blaming others, my work, my lack of connection on others. Aih, why coffee no longer helps? Selfish as I said, I hope things go my way instead of facing them challenges one at a time. I don't have clarity again. Not sure where I'm going, why I'm doing what I'm doing or not doing what I'm not supposed to do. Tell me, am I alright?