我很忙

一个现代人不可或缺的口头禅。

忙到最后为了什么，得到什么？

最近我很忙于工作，我妈又催婚了。

我恨不得马上找个男生，马上注册，嫁掉算了。

我不懂，我妈要我嫁，是为我好还是为了她的面子--别人不会说她的女儿嫁不出，还是为了和亲戚有个交代？

到底是我嫁，还是她嫁？

一开始就追问我怎么样联络对方？我说讯息啊，她说，不可以酱的，要主动一点。话说我不是那样的人，但是为了嫁出去，我要把我自己卖出去，是吗？我要很主动要求对方迎娶我，是吗？

那，好吧。妈，你说吧，你说嫁谁，我就嫁。然而她之前那个的时候就回答我，你自己看咯。我piang，我怎样做，我的想法你不问，你只问我的做法怎么样和对方联络，那是要怎样？我讯息就不能了解对方吗？

这次，我其实还觉得不错，但我妈一出招，我就烦了。她砂拉越的阿姨介绍的，我也不知道阿姨是只要我嫁人就好，还是愿意成为我婚姻的指导和家庭的支持系统才介绍还是纯粹做媒人。

很多我不明白的地方。我妈的一句话飞过来，不是每样东西都有为什么的。哦哦哦，不是每样东西都有为什么的。那我去朋友家过夜不用为什么啊。为何却不可以？喔喔喔，你说可以就可以，不可以就不可以。酱你决定哪个男人/男孩适合，我就嫁就是了，不问为什么。以后我的婚姻成功或失败不问为什么只要说我做的不对就好了。

所以，我可以这样和我妈说吗？我很没有想法了。因为我的想法是为什么的答案，既然不问为什么，就不需要答案啊。

所以，接下来，我要忙结婚，生孩子去了。嫁到诗巫，过着每天煮3餐，洗衣煮饭打扫的家庭主妇，不可以胡思乱想，让老公为所欲为，生1-3个小孩，尽可能让他们上学。不要问为什么，反正这就是顺其自然。这计划不错吧。嗯，不问为什么的计划。

我明天和我妈酱紫说好了。我觉得那个男的不错。可以结婚了。不要问为什么，就酱紫决定了，下个月买机票飞回去，11月7号星期六晚上摆酒，早上注册。来不及吗？那你订吧。我都可以。婚纱照？礼金？礼品？不用啦。要？那你开价吧。我不认识对方的父母家庭背景，性格什么的，不要紧，不要问为什么嫁，就说他是男的，五官端正，生活检点，勤俭持家，一切美德，还要问多多？有人娶你还不满意？还要嫌？你以为自己什么斤两啊？还想要挑吗？

OK👌OK，我嫁就是了。不慌不忙，明年华人新年吧，哦，就让酒家定日子吧。要请多少人？妈，你决定吧。我不用婚纱照--手机就可以了啦，不用什么度蜜月，反正嫁到诗巫不就已经是度蜜月了吗。需要在巴生摆酒哦，嗯，50座够吗，就都请你的朋友好了，我的朋友不需要了，不要加重别人的经济负担。喜饼送出去就好了。诗巫亲戚多，对方是独子，120座吧，应该够了吧？还是分两次如果不够位子？

都想好了。反正他也有屋子，就好了啊。布置吗？随意吧。车子卖掉就够所有婚礼婚宴的花费了。都想好了。我不再跟随基督啦，我跟随我老公了。拜，我去诗巫了。巴生的一切将成为过去。让我为此落一滴眼泪。好的，哀悼完毕。新的生活要开始了。

好的，男朋友，请告诉我，我应该怎么做？

好的，老公，请告诉我，我应该怎么当老婆？

好的，家婆家翁，请告诉我该怎么当媳妇？

我就照谱演奏就好了。

告别了单生的生活，我变成了百依百顺，逆来顺受，没有脾气，没有我的生活。如今活着的不再是我，乃是我老公在我里面活着。凡事顺服他。

此计划可行吗？yes。不要问为什么。行就是了，做就对了。

好吧，多忙都要先嫁人再说。决定了，认识5天，已经比印度的同胞好了。还想怎样。哦，不不不，不想怎样。你说啥我做啥就是了。

还得谢谢你让我学习谦卑。

写完了。是行动的时候了。

Investment 投资

 最近，有个陌生人来分享了HLA的Wealth Booster Plus的储蓄计划。

结果，我妈也问我，你有算算值不值得吗？

然后，有个好朋友也帮我算了说，钱锁死20年才有平均4%的回酬，不划。

我很烦。对于钱，我真的不很敏感，也不很会算。只要没有亏本就大概可以买了吧。其实不过是储蓄而不是投资在高回酬的高风险东西。

就像开个定期存款户口，有的人很厉害，每个月都关注投资不同的银行。而我，只会放了继续留在那里……难道我笨？我愚蠢？

哈，我想，有存好过没有。到底我为什么要被别人质疑？

如果今天我去菜市场买菜，稍微买贵了，难道我就投资错了吗？

如果每样小事都要算算算，我会疯掉。

今天星期四，好希望已经是周末了。过了一个高压天。无论是在个人或工作上都感到无比、莫名的压力。真的没有可能把每样事情都做好的。

没有欠卡债我已经觉得自己很不错了。

唉，为何我那么在意这些事情？搞到自己情绪不好。我要怪荷尔蒙 嘻嘻。

好想骂粗口——无济于事。心里只是过不去而已 >.<

好啦，我牢骚发完了。该想想工作的事情了。还有一大堆还没做完的工作。今天为了接下来行管的条件而去其他县处理了一些事情，耽误了工作的时间。我想拿假期，休息一下啊。我已经没办法好好安静了。

最享受没有人的地方。一个人的独来独往。做什么、说什么都自己承担。现在只有满脑子苦水~

人生18又一载

 18岁的时候，高中毕业，上大专前去验血，医生说血糖偏高，要注意了。年轻没在意，结果26岁的时候确诊。

36岁做体检，医生说，要注意胸部和胸椎健康，要多运动加按摩，让肌肉放松和平衡。

相隔18年的体检报告升级了。

是不是也该升级我的生活习惯了？

Become someone or just be myself?

早上听了这个讲道。真的是冲击着我的思维！

最近，身体不适了3-4 天。还让妈妈担心了。吃了几颗冬虫夏草帝皇，感觉好多了。最后，还是去正骨才完全放松了前胸后背夹痛。医生说大概是压力太大导致的，让我每20分钟活动一下。

Recent incident of chest and back pain for 3-4 days made me realised that stress can really do terrible things. Again, it reminded me of my experience in form 2 where I wanted to become academically good like my classmate who is the 1st in class. So, I started becoming routine, waking up earlier, put more time and effort to study but just after 2 days, I was out. Similarly this time, I tried to be healthier by being more routine, doing exercise everyday, eat every meal, keep up the good work in my job, my church ministry, my friendship, my volunteer ministry, but after merely 1 week, I was too stressed until my body reacted negatively by showing signs of chest and back pain and difficulty breathing. 

So, is this the process of becoming someone that I need to go through? or should I accept that I am just not the same kind of being just like others?

May be this series of videos -- 王命之途 The Making of a King will reveal the answer or may be not but I believe God will direct me towards the target instead of letting me astray from the right path. I just need to continue to believe and rely on Him daily for strength to go through and discern His voice to make the right decisions.

May God help me to realise my destiny.

The mysterious chinese soup | Mom's love

Today, my mom cooked some chinese herb soup. She told me drink some which is good for my lower back injury few months ago.

So, I did get a bowl after lunch, then I started feeling tired, super tired, and dozed off for nearly 2 hours. Wow, not sure what is in that mysterious chinese herb soup... only thing I recognise is the kidney beans... and some wood like herbs.

Anyway, may be my body needs that deep sleep to process the medicinal effects from the soup. If I knew, I would have taken it after dinner, then I can get a good sleep haha.

But thank my mom for being concerned on my physical well being. I've been following her footsteps to exercise in the morning but not yet see the plus points.. still feel tired or difficult to sustain 15 mins walking at home exercise. Oh well, it's just 1 week, perhaps after 1 month I can feel better to sustain through a 20-30 mins exercise. There goes my stamina after many years of sedentary lifestyle. 15 mins a day, enough? May be not but let me just try to be consistent first rather than ambitiously wanting to be strong just after 1 week 😅

I'm blessed with a good mom although I sometimes complaint but no doubt she did her best bringing me up into adulthood and letting me stay in the same house without any complaints. 💓

【中文】管他的，就是要有盼望 | 萬力豪牧師

看别人的见证很轻松，自己经历的时候却是会陷入挣扎中，不时会想要放弃。指望神就好了~

Needy

Sometimes, I feel needy...

I need attention...

I need affirmation...

I need someone to laugh with...

I need someone to play with...

I need a shoulder to cry on...

I need encouragement...

I need some down time...

I need company...

I know God is there. He is always there. ALWAYS! 

He never left, ever. It's not something that I do to make Him stay but He is there. 

Just cast all my cares to the Lord. 

我觉得上帝在现阶段对我实在太好了。每一天都有很多的感动流泪的时候。一首歌，一句话，一个动作，都让我深深感动。

我妈早上对我说：

唐崇荣牧师被问到，你怎么知道有神？

你怎么回答？

我说：大自然让我们看到神。

我妈说：他回答，你怎么知道你是谁的孩子？

我心里明白了。我们是照着上帝的形象样式造成的。就是照着镜子就看到了上帝。不需要太多的修饰，镜子里的就是神的形象。

祂造我何等奇妙可畏。无论我是什么形状又或者是什么颜色又或者里面外面是不是和其他大部分人一样，我都是祂的孩子。

我妈还说：别人说我很有钱。我想想也是，我的4个孩子（名字M开始）就是4M（4百万）还有上帝供应的店铺和住家。

我妈还分享了上帝如何供应她，让她有智慧使用科技帮助她网上会议的录音。还告诉我，她现在就是专注在她父亲的身上，照顾他们。

我感受到了我妈妈的爱。没有文字的叙述，但是从她一切的动作，为我准备早餐，和我分享见证，告诉我她听见过我的分享，都让我感受到了爱。

最近因为这些爱，朋友的关心，家人的细心，我的眼泪都止不住了。

上帝真的是太温暖了！上帝知道的，连我的心跳祂都知道。只是以前我看不到，是我不明了，是我误会上帝了。

天父爸爸，谢谢你！

当一个人感受到真正的爱，他就会有活下去的勇气。

最近我感受到了很多爱，我有了活着的勇气，活下去的信心。

** 以上的每一句都是带着感动的泪水写下来的。泪腺不发达的我，可以有这么丰富的泪水是很厉害的！呵呵 🙊 **

Too much to bear, too little submission

A trip I will treasure for my lifetime.

I don't have the luxury to detail it but I want to share a summary of God's power.

I was so tension to let go of this 'sister-ship' fear that when I let go, the 'ship' will sail away. After 2 days 2 nights of deep talk, these sisters assured me that the Love of Christ is always there, always there. The moment I let go and let God, I will never loose them because the foundation is Christ who is our center.

Oh, Christ Jesus, my holy husband, whom I belong to, who has the power of life and death, who holds the future, who created all things including me -- wonderfully made in His image to reflect His Glory according to His will. 

I will turn back to Him, my good good Father. The lover of my soul and the counselor of my being. There's no fear in perfect love. Perfect Love from the Lord, my God, fills my heart, touches the most tender part, embraces my deepest longing. No matter my shape, my looks, my voice, my height, my strength, my weaknesses, my ability, my everything, I surrender before the Cross. The mighty cross that takes away all shame and free me from the bondage of grabbing tightly to what I think I possess.

Oh Lord, help me to trust you with my whole being. To love my God withawith my heart, all my soul, all my strength, all my mind for the rest of my life, however many years to come. In God, I find peace, love, and hope to continue to go on. He holds the future that I don't know. He holds the remote control when I think I have it all. For all things work together for those who obey God.

It's who you are, God. That makes me who I am. Not the other way around. I love because you first love me. You filled my heart with all the love and enabled me to overflow and love others around me.

I surrender all my doubts, worries, uncertainties, unknowns, fear, into the hands of God. I trust God to protect, provide, position me the best. When I do not understand, I will still obey and go. Thank God for the love you've shown to me through godly 'sister-ship'.

Amen.

Japanese worship song - I adore you

It's so rare to see Japanese worship Jesus, even rarer for them to have a song.

Tears rolling down my face every time I hear this song. 

Indeed, have I love Jesus enough? After he have loved me so so much. So so deeply. So so unconditionally. 

Does God feel bored?

How does God keep himself busy? I mean with a snap, no, not even a snap, just a word and things get done. So, doesn't God feel bored after doing what He just did?

Why human does? Is there a cure to this?

Basically, is it a goal problem? I thought to myself. Is it because I don't have a concrete goal, therefore, after being creative for a while, I feel bored? Or was it like what I heard -- because I couldn't express my feelings?

Well, interesting isn't it? We're like God -- creative; yet, not like God because we have a lot of negative stuff.

Thank God for the negative feelings, it helps me to re-focus, re-adjust, re-align, re-united with Your divine goal.

How do I feel and where is God?

I started writing this morning in chinese for quite a fair bit (approx. 1 hour) then I decided to continue working, cooking my meals, eating, working,... then I remember I haven't finish my writing...

But I decided to keep it as a draft until I've given more thought about it.

I decided to focus on thanking God instead.

Thank God I have a realisation that some areas of my life you're not included.

Thank God it's not too late.

Thank God I managed to cook some food for myself while working from home and being a part-time housewife (e.g. taking note of the weather turning from sunny to cloudy, need to rush outside to collect clothes before pouring).

Thank God my grandpa is able to take in little bit of liquid/soft food through his mouth.

Thank God my mom is arranging/discussing/planning for the care of grandpa once he's discharged.

Thank God I realised I didn't follow what I had in mind today. Gotta really get focus. (lack of coffee maybe? 😆 blame the coffee ☕)

When I focus on thanking God, I will be focus and not stray to the left or right.

Lastly, thank God for my father, who cared for me, gave me the best he could, love me, giving me a comfortable roof over my head, lack of nothing I shall say. 

~ Thank God for fathers ~

美食电影——用美食温暖人心 Food Movies -- Touches hearth with food

看过美食电影，心里温暖。父亲节看看这些努力的厨师父亲们为梦想、为爱、为孩子的奋斗，坚持不懈的精神。

My heart warms up watching these movies of great chef dads, who never gives up fighting for their dreams, for love, for their children! May you enjoy these during Fathers' Day~

1. Le Chef (王牌大主厨)

 

2. Chef (落魄大厨)

2020-06-10

Today, I've learned a bit more about the most popular programming language in the world now, call Python. Doesn't the name bothers you? It does to me.

Anyway, wasn't busy today, had time to learn tamagoyaki for lunch and did my gardening and online course after dinner.

Had some time to update some contacts and a friend I haven't contacted for many years ran across my screen... I clicked into the fb FB profile and saw the news feed with updates. It's good to know this friend is doing well before Malaysia MCO started. Just hope everything is still well now after 4 months...

Don't think I'm ready to click the Add Friend button yet... So many past memories guys until my brain. Enough for the night. Focus on who I want to be and what I need to do first. 

五月天 [ 突然好想見到你 ] Mayday live in the sky 線上演唱會

听着五月天，想念着当初4个人的组合，一起慢性自杀（熬夜）的日子，一起凌晨游车河，一起帮其中一个追女孩，一起庆祝生日，一起大吃大喝，一起唱K到凌晨，一起，一起，很多的一起。如今少了一个，我们也不再那么常见面了……



新的朋友，新的事物，无法取代那时的心情和关系。但是，还是要往前进！



五月的天代表着六月的来临！创建新的记忆！Mayday, mayday, mayday, to my new friends~

Another Birthday Celebration - E

Not much effort was put in place I'd say for this celebration from my side apart from the thinking process.

Mostly sis M who did the gift, cake, arrangements, etc.

I'm grateful, in my struggles, I could just laid down peacefully with 3 other women surrounding and no other thoughts ran through my mind. So peaceful, just quiet.

-----------

A start of an early day yesterday, to complete my jobs for church work so that I can go out peacefully with my friends. And I did! ✅

My sis baked a burnt cheesecake for the birthday girl but we never thought of her not used to eating dairy products like cheesecake. This time I didn't put a lot of focus and tricks to figure this out... our cake failed❌

We had a good time at my house, letting the 2 ladies to get to know my living space, and some of my family members more. ✅

We departed from my house to meet the birthday girl, she brought us around town, trying her best to share her life with us by explaining her background, showing us the physical locations, giving us a good time with her family members as well.✅ psst, her mom so funny, use elbow to "shake" hands hahaha

We had a fun time listening to her dad's story of how he came all the way from "kampung" to city to start a new living and raised 4 kids with her mom. How he developed into the new lifestyle. Wow, how a man loves His children although he spoke few words at home but a lot to his friends. Yet, no parents who doesn't love their child. ✅

Her mom filled us with good food, and even asked us to bring home some of her homemade acar to try out. So good, I like good food. Such a wonderful strong lady, who's keeping the family together for many years and keeping her marriage alive! ✅ shhh.... she's launching her new shop tomorrow to serve food for many!

Her brothers, so chill and willing to listen, allowed us to speak our opinions about their new shop, serving us the good food, preparing the table and environment for us to enjoy and sit so close with us despite social distancing is required and we're only meeting the first time! Her younger bro has broad shoulders, I noticed! Older brother is a foodie like me and meat-eater like M. haha ✅

So, focus on the ✅✅✅✅✅✅ rather than the ❌ for a good day has been blessed by God our Father in heaven, who has showered His love even before we're formed in our mothers' womb.

Would I want to change my life? Again I ask myself this question. Would I want to exchange my mom with M or L or E? Though I might envy some areas of their lives but we each has our own burden to carry, lesson to learn, and much needed maturity to grow into. Nothing can replace how we're brought up. But, God brought us all THROUGH until today and is still at work in our lives. 

+++++++++++

These 3 ladies has become a support system for me when I needed friends. We might not have known each other for very long but by God's grace, we have the same heavenly Father! 

May our differences help us to grow and to develop ourselves to the image of Christ Jesus, the perfecter of our faith!

We learn and learn and learn to build healthy friendships, we laugh and laugh and laugh on trivial things we did, we feel and feel and feel our hearts when we talk and talk and talk, we hug and hug and hug to show our love and love and love. 

Thank God for a wonderful day and His blessings into the "failure" of some areas of our lives to help us to grow, and the good memories for us to treasure as friends.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lord, God, I thank you for your blessings, wonderfully crafted us individually with our uniqueness, gathering us together to learn to be Christ-like, helping us to love and strengthen our friendships. This will not have happened without you, Lord. 

You are the Lord of our lives, I commit all 4 of us into Thy loving hands to continue to help us grow into maturity, as You have planned for us to become! 

Your plans are not my plans, for Your plans are greater, better, more achievable than my plans. 

Loving heavenly Father, help us to grow in areas that You see fit, help us to support each other in going through the painful growing process persistently.

With your love, I commit E, M, L into Thy loving hands, trusting that You're the good carer of our lives.

In Jesus' loving name I pray, Amen.

What to Do If You're Tired of Toughing It Out - Joyce Meyer

When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you're reprogramming a "worldly" mind to think as God thinks. 

But God—the best "computer programmer" around—is working on us every day to reprogram our minds as we cooperate with Him (see Romans 12:2).

When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he develops the ability to walk without falling; however, the baby is persistent. He may cry for a while after he falls down, but he always gets right back up and tries again.

Learning to change our thinking works the same way. There will be days when we don't do everything right—days when our thinking is negative. But never stop trying. God is gradually bringing us around to His way of thinking. Just don't give up! 

 

https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/what-to-do-if-youre-tired-of-toughing-it-out

I cannot recall when I was learning to walk but I do remember learning many things without failing much. 

Now I need to learn to try—to do the right thing at the right time with God's help—to allow God to reprogram my thoughts. 

And the truths are:

• God always love me
• God always protect me
• God always help me
• God always is there
• God will bring me THROUGH it
• God will give me the strength needed to GO THROUGH it
• God loves me, God chooses me, God surrounds me top down, in and out
• God will bring me through sufferings
• God will help me to be persistent
• God will use others to remind me when I refuse to hear Him
• God is always there whether I need Him or not
• God is always there whether I feel Him or not
• God is always there whether I want Him or not
• God allows me to make a choice
• God is love
• God is fearless 
• God is good
• God is my source of strength
• God is all I need

Jesus, the sweetest name of all

Jesus, You're the sweetest name of all
Jesus, You always hear me when I call
Oh, Jesus, You pick me up each time I fall
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

Jesus, how I love to praise Your name
Jesus, you're still the first, the last, the same
Oh, Jesus, You died and took away my shame
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

Jesus, You're the soon and coming King
Jesus, we need the love that You can bring
Oh, Jesus, we lift our voices up and sing
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

I'm still not sure why I was awaken by this song for 2 days in a row at the early 5am hour...

Physically tired due to lack of sleep but this song keep ringing in my ear...

Is this God calling me? Have I neglected Him too long? He is ringing me? 

📞 Hello, may I speak to my dear Michelle?

Plans

Whether I like it or not, my brain always do the planning and execution but things doesn't always go according to my expectations.

I planned to start doing my church slides this morning at 7am but I only woke up at 7am.

I felt hungry and had breakfast, which is unplanned.

I checked company whatsapp at 8:30am before I even officially start work.

Never a day I need not Jesus' grace to carry me through, the love of God to sustain my live, and the Holy Spirit to remind, encourage, and comfort in times.

I cannot do anything by myself but trust the Lord for provision and care. The Lord says in Isaiah 55:8-9,

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Trust in times of fear/worry. Trust the Lord. Trust the Lord.

如果超人会飞

我认识的唯一可以冠得上超人之衔的就是耶稣了。

无时无刻不在聆听、观看、关心我的需要。

从来不强迫我选择，总是给我最好的。

在我流泪的时候把我的眼泪装罐，浇灌我的心田使其肥沃。

24/7 直通热线，不管我说什么都是完全保密！不用担心祂的界限，因为祂就是界限的源头，一切的总纲！

如果超人会飞，我却从来没看过。我认识的超人不会飞，但是超级爱我。

谢谢耶稣把天父爸爸的爱显明出来，在十架上从钉痕到钉痕无限量的爱。虽然很多人误会天父在最痛苦的时候离开耶稣，但是我领悟到，感受不到并不代表不存在。当时耶稣承受着极残酷的死刑直到痛苦--全世界的罪孽--让祂痛苦到无法感受到天父爸爸的爱。但是天父就是因为爱，接着牺牲祂独一的爱子来表明祂极度的爱！

啊，我多么不懂得怎么回应。有时还会抱怨自己那一点点的小不舒服。爱，很爱，非常爱我。 

谢谢这份爱。一份无私无限的、完美的爱。

Talking

Today, similar to some of the other days, I woke up early covered in sweats that I don't understand why.

Thank God I managed to finish verifying and amended the slide for my church before work starts 9am.

Thank God I started work early, spent some time to sort out some client ID issues before lunch.

Thank God my brother get news from hospital about grandpa's status - 'Critical'.

Thank God my boss told me to go ahead if needed to settle family matter. -- now I know what matters.

Thank God my stomach still feels hungry when I skipped breakfast today.

Thank God I spent some time making steam egg milk, cooking lunch, and also had a ginger tea for tea break. 

Thank God my mom and brother went to hospital to get an update about grandpa. 

Thank God grandpa doesn't have any other diseases apart from the skin infection on his back.

Thank God for protection over grandpa and his willingness to go to hospital after 2 times vomiting yesterday. Previously he refused to go to hospital for checking.

Thank God I managed to update church slides with additional sermon slides before the recording session tonight.

Thank God my sister keep baking and saved me a lot of desserts for tea break in the afternoon.

Thank God my water filtration system is serviced and my mom was around to work with the maintenance guy.

Thank God my sister cooked dinner tonight. 

Thank God I managed to catch a nap in the evening.

Thank God I have time to follow Dr Mike's teaching tonight.

Thank God I learned something from KCMC Online Course tonight. -- boundaries at home

Thank God I can feel the need to talk to someone but still don't know who to call haha.

Thank God for all the good and bad because You can turn the bad into good.

Thank God I learn something from L's blog post yesterday.

Thank God today is quite cooling in my house, managed to sustain without aircond until after 3PM.

Thank God.

Thank God for tomorrow for He holds the future!