Happiness

How? (Typical C (DISC) Type)

I was asked, "What makes you happy?"

I have no idea!?

What do you do that would make you happy? I don't know. Deep down in my heart, I really don't know.

I smile when I watch drama, laugh at those jokes, cry when the scenes are touching but what makes me happy?

I can never make myself happy. The only thing I know is when other people recognised what I do is correct and accept it, I am happy. But most of the time, I only blame myself for not being able to do something that makes the other person happy.

I couldn't just walk away from depression... these mood swings is causing my life!

May be it's time to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

Tomorrow is a new beginning and I hope to open up my eyes to see a bright future :-)

Hero . Surrender . Love

"There's a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don't have to be afraid of what you are..."

"Surrender all you have."

"For My love is sufficient to sustain you."

These are thought I have until this moment of the day. Why? There are changes in my life. Every time when something changes, I get anxiety attack. I get so worried about why it changes and make too quick a decision I regret later. The uncertainty after the change makes me more worried than ever.

I kept hearing my mind singing "Hero". I saw a blogger blogged about Surrender. I know the love of God is sufficient to sustain mine and everyone else's life. But I am just so anxious. May be I am a control freak. I cannot let things go hay wire or ahead of me. I felt insecure.

I have a Hero who would die for me yet I did not surrender myself fully to Him to receive His wonderful and abundant Love. I just don't know why. I kept some part of me to myself.

I am in the middle of a journey to believe I can live only by His grace and trust only Him. As long as He never give up on me, I should never give up. Wen told me to put some confidence in this. As far as I believe He is my protector and hero, I will one day get to the place where I believe He is all I live for.

Laugh of the day!

甲：你年薪多少?
乙：800万.
甲：那一个月有80万哦!
乙：是的,这是基本工资.
甲：不错嘛,做什么的?
乙：做梦的......

1、"代沟"就是我问老爸觉得"菊花台"怎么样,他说没喝过
2、"自恋"就是下辈子我一定要投胎做女人,然后嫁个象我这样的男人
3、"无语"就是法官问:你为什么印假钞? 罪犯说:真钞我不会印。
4、"绝望"就是饭馆吃饭点了两菜,吃第一个:"世上还有比这更难吃的吗？！"吃第二个"靠！还真有!
5、"崩溃"就是，一位老太太走进ＫＦＣ,对服务员说：我要一个肯德基,一个麦当劳，还要一个比萨。
6、"白领"- 今天发了薪水，还了贷款,交了房租、水电煤气费，买了油、米和泡面，摸摸口袋剩下的钱，感叹一声：这月工资又白领了。
7、"蓝领" - 工头说快到发工资的时间了，一算自己的住宿费，伙食费，误工费，医药费，还欠老板100多，也就懒得去领了，叫蓝领.

Adapted from http://laozhabor.blogspot.com/2009/10/happy-mid-autumn-festival.html

You could have long gone.

Have you heard of this?

I have. In fact, I heard it mostly from direct sales agent. Why? Because they always testify to others saying that you could have long gone if you have not use our product.

Sounds true to me. I could have long gone if I haven't know Jesus Christ when I was going to be 12. A traumatic event could have sent me to the edge of committing suicide or a bad friendship could have lead me to become a drug addict and eventually die of using.

I should be grateful and I am but there is something keeping me from enjoying the joy of this revelation...

Yet, let me repeat, "I could have long gone, if I have not known Jesus Christ!"

Life . Change . Maintain

Ever since being diagnosed with diabetes, I started taking the med. I have no idea how these med are going to help but eventually my glucose level has been brought down near to normal level.

I now have to monitor my meals, make sure I eat right, sleep right and exercise right to maintain my health in order to prolong my life on earth. I have realised one thing in this process. Not even drugs can change anything over night. It is a process itself.

There are so many areas of my life which has not grown into maturity. They stay as it is since teenage until now. I had wished before that there would be one kind of drugs that can immediately change everything to new but there is no such thing eh.

Change is a process of life that no one can escape. Whether you like it or not, when situation changes, you'll be forced to change as well. Sometimes we fail; other times, we move on. Anyhow, we have to get back on track to make life better. It is not something we can not do and still progress. Change is the progress.

No matter how grateful I am back to life, nothing changed. I still need to work, I still face stress from work and all sorts of circumstances that forced me to make decisions. I still need to take the drugs to control my blood sugar, I still am not able to take breakfast because of the nauseous feeling in the morning.

However, I am alive! I need to maintain life by maintaining the changes I need to go through and overcome the obstacles that stop me from changing.

I have realised one thing. No matter how bad I have been, God still loves me. He never change and He maintained it that way all the time. We change so that we become more like Him and do things that pleases Him.

Although I sin, His grace is sufficient. When I fall down, He helped me up. He brought sunlight to my life and angels to kept me from falling. Have I not felt His presence?

The thing is, I have always fail to change to maintain life. I have failed Him not once but many times. I worried if He would turn away from me but I know He will not at least for now. Even if I purposely hurt Him by sinning against Him, He still comes and hugs me and said, "My daughter, that hurts but I still love you. " How much more I can run away from His abundant love? How far can I run to not see Him? No way. No way I am going to run away from all these changes I need to make.

The med, the exercise, the diet plan, the stress in life, the good and bad situations, the strong and weak part of me, they all need to change. Life is all about changing into a better person and to maintain it so that you know it's not by your strength that you can achieve it but by the hands of God who never change that mold you into a pleasant container of His love.

Coming back from Death

Hi,

I have been grateful to be alive.

The underwater fining, drifting, photographing makes the whole trip filled with joy. I'm having sea sick now. How I wish I am a fish that will not get sea sick and can stay underwater as long as I want. Nevertheless, I'm back. I was not hurt at all just not used to the "wavy" lifestyle on and in the sea.

Every dive, I was nervous. Every dive is dangerous to me. God protected me. Even the fish did not harm me. We'd enjoyed ourselves with our bosses, colleagues. What a wonderful experience we had.

We celebrated our COO's birthday there and had a sarung party that night! Wow, now that I think back, it was so cool to be able to celebrate birthday in a different way. May be next time he'll get his birthday celebration underwater with the sarung as well!

I was extremely exhausted when I reach home. I guess this is the peer pressure the doctor told me. I was forcing myself to do things I may not even think about in the first place. However, it was an enjoyable trip because from there I see all the colleagues are careful with me, the dive master always turn around to make sure I'm ok (or may be she was trying to see if everyone is ok). Anyway, everybody knows what I'm going through and was careful not to force me into anything too much for my body. They even care about what I eat for my meals. I was scolded when I took nasi lemak in the morning on the day back. I was thinking that it was alright since we're going home and I haven't been tasting their food. But they were concern and told me it wasn't right to let loose of control.

Well, it was a wonderful trip for me and I will never forget the experience even if I don't get to dive again. At least, the warmth from the concern and care of the colleagues and bosses were all over me. I am grateful to be alive!

If there is one thing I can do in the future, I would want to go dive without getting sea sick. Then I can enjoy a few days of fishes, sea water, sand, beaches, sun, the breeze from the sea, the stress-less moments, and feel God's been watching me from the sky above.

It was raining the night we departed from KL to Terengganu. We were hoping it will be sunny in the morning the next day. Thank God, it started raining only after we have completed all 5 dives and took our underwater photographs.

I just don't know how to express but I'm grateful to be back and alive and still in one piece!

Yeah~ breathing becomes one of the most exciting thing to do on land!

Life is but grateful after you realised living is the greatest thing on earth!

Death

I have never felt so near to death. For the first time, I decided to do something which is adventurous and dangerous due to my health condition.

Diving.

My company is organising a diving certification trip to Redang. I did not get doctor's consent but am very excited to go. However, due to certain health condition, there was a time I almost give up. Once I am in the pool, I felt like going to dive again.

So, today is the day we are departing to Redang. Dead or alive, I called it. I even sent an email to my dearest friends to inform them of my leaving and told them that could be my last words. I called my mom and dad and sis last night to tell them about my trip and it sounded like saying goodbye.

Don't take me wrong. I wasn't going to say goodbye but am preparing for any emergency cases. I am still looking forward to an appointment 2 weeks later. However, with the mind of everything is going to end soon, I feel more energetic to complete the things I'm suppose to do. It's a wonderful feeling. I guess that is why we are told to live like today is the last day you get to live and then you will do your best and enjoy the most of out life.

I was told I will meet Him -- my dearest Daddy there under the sea. If I get to dive, I suppose all His wonders will be unfolded in front of my eyes! I felt loved. I know even if I don't really feel it, He still loves me and will continue to love me no matter how rebellious I become.

Well, just to make sure I leave something behind if I can't do this again, I'd like to tell you, Jesus love you and me. No matter what, His love never ceased!

Journey of Faith - The starting point

If I were to start off a journey, I won't do it by myself. I have not enough ability to do it alone. I have friends who encouraged me along the way and people who cares enough to lend me their time and ears. Good people who share good advice and finally the good Lord who never forsake me.

At the very least, I have admitted that I need a doctor and look for one and found one. It is just the beginning. There are many more challenges I have never wanted to pursue in front of me but I cannot deny that those are the things that I need to do to be healed/cured from the disease. Or, I can choose to stay at this very point and sink like a ship, which I do not want to do that anymore.

So, I have to trained my physical body to be fit all the time and my keep myself psychologically healthy to prolong the journey of faith. May be I will succeed or fail but at least I tried to be successful instead of running away again this time.

Thank God for the courage and I pray that He who have strengthen me will continue to have mercy on me until I am fit for His kingdom.

Diary 20090910

Once again, that stress overwhelmed. I could not bear. I cannot accept the comment that says, "Do you know what is priority? Why can't you finish your work?" So, does priority means I can kill myself just to deliver what you want?

May be I should just admit and say, "Yes, sir. I cannot finish my work. Can you take over or have someone take over?" It's hard to take people's disappointment but I think it's time to just let them disappoint them let my life beheaded in their hands.

The next time this issue arise, I shall not hesitate and admit my fault and ask for someone else to do it. I can't. I just can't.

Error 80071392: We can't sign you in to Windows Live Messenger

When you see this message, it is possible you have more than one messenger program running on your computer, trying to sign in with the same account (especially when you checked the check box to allow messenger to sign in automatically).

You may do this to resolve the problem:

1. Press Ctrl + Alt + Del to open Task Manager.
2. find and End Process for all msnmsgr.exe in the Task Manager.
3. Start Windows Live Messenger. You should be able to sign in now!

Happy trying!

Pandemic Panic

Life's short and we ought to live well.

One of the guy in my project office was diagnosed with H1N1. I have to be thankful the virus did not spread. I stayed at home to work. Just to prevent from being infected and spreading the virus.

I am ok til now.

No one knows what is going to happen tomorrow. May be tomorrow I discover I have some kinda weird disease and is going to die soon but that's just another revelation of life.

=====

Life's about live it out well.

孤独 · 面对

梦醒时分，朦胧的阳光；萎缩在被单里不敢露出脚丫。
夜悄悄来到，放大了虫鸣的寂静；逃避在戏剧里不敢回到现实。

Sad Cloudy August 11, 2009

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Recently I fell in love with this song


I was kept down and blinded. Just like all those who are in love. The difference is mine is not of love but the difficult situations of life is keeping me down...

Lyrics | Sara Bareilles lyrics - Gravity lyrics

Bones

It has just become my favorite American series!

Love

I started to wonder about love again. Sometimes, we just say we love this someone someone or we love else one. But what is love really?

Is doing something means love? No. That's the action of love.
Is not doing something love? No. That's being nice.

So, what is love exactly?

May be I'm too rational and I couldn't feel any love at all... that's why marriage is such a dream for a person like me.

I spend a lot of time thinking but in the end the conclusion is null. Human love can change at anytime, how am I suppose to keep my promise during the wedding vow? Therefore, to make no further mistakes, I'd rather keep myself out of marriage (failure).

Marriage

I don't get it. Why two people were in love for such a long time and didn't want to get married but yet they were involved in pre-marital sex and had to get married in the end because the woman is pregnant!

I just can't figure it out.

That's part of the reason I'm resisting any serious relationships... I think any pro-longed relationships can caused the scenario I mentioned above which I think is going to hurt the marriage and the child in the stomach actually knows...

What if you're the baby with such condition of the parents? You'll never ever get to grow normally because deep in your subconscious, you always know, you're the undesired one who caused a "look-like" happy marriage. Sad, isn't it?

Computer Starters Must Know

If you are a newbie to the computer world. Make sure you know this:
How to be a better computer user

Do not complaint later that your computer becomes so inefficient and unproductive.. It's all your own fault!

Classic Example of Browser Toolbars

Nokia - The power to last longer

Now I know why Nokia is the most expensive brand in the olden days and still many people opt to get one. At least they are still "alive" today compare to other brands.