Frozen

I missed my sleeping time again. I couldn't wait to watch Frozen after my mom told me it was good. My mom seldom give good comments even for Chinese movies but she just mentioned Frozen is good even though it's an English movie with Chinese Subtitle.

After watching it, now I fully understood the song Let it go! It's the fear, let go of the fear of being me! Free myself from being what others expect me to be! Elsa was the eldest sister born with powers she doesn't know how to control and in order not to hurt others anymore after Anna's accident, she shut herself up even to Anna.

When Anna was again hurt by Elsa's uncontrolled anger, her heart was frozen. Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart! Indeed the one true love can only be found in God the Father, who, have His only begotten Son to save us all while we're still sinners! That's the love I've experienced! Don't you want to have that life too? The life with the love of your life -- Jesus Christ!

Continue into Frozen II, "Into the UNKNOWN". What's the unknown that we fear to dive deep into it? The truth will set you free even though it might be shocking and painful, even challenging to get there but freedom is the ultimate hope. It's the truth that's to be revealed, the truth about my beauty, the truth about me, this being, the truth of how God sees me, how my Father God sees me. Ah, how I love to watch movies again for these inspiring moments and eye opening scenes! 

I hope L would learn something from it. Fear is the one thing that makes us continue to hurt others, both Frozen & Frozen II shows that. First Elsa, then her grandfather. Overtook by fear and we're trapped by ourselves, eventually hurt the people we love. God knows, and the unknown is something exciting because of the freedom we get when we just bravely take the next right step to uncover the truth that will free everyone including myself. One step at a time, just one step. 

How I wish to give L a hug to tell her, you're loved, so wonderfully loved by our Father God! No love compares to that. I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch you mightily, to allow you to experience that great freedom in the area that you're getting over. Let the truth set you free!

Thank God for these movies to show how complicated human emotions are. One bright sister always hopeful but when struck by death of loved ones, still feel sad and challenged to even take one step; Another one frightened, locked up, closed up, by the great love and security she has in her identity became brave to overcome the great unknown! Both sisters, holding each other, facing what they fear the most, can do the next right thing to hold each other up because of Love.

When I am down, you've hold me up, both my sisters in Christ and Christ Himself. I'm so so grateful!

Anna: When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?
Elsa: What would I do without you?
Anna: You'll always have me.

Isn't this the same like our Father God?
Father: When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?
Me: What would I do without you?
Father: You'll always have me.

Time to catch some sleep~ XOXO Nites

Boundary 界线

我在学习怎么设界线。

从前，我每次在餐桌上就会因为长辈的爱心吃到撑。后来，有人告诉我，只要你不把碗碟里的食物吃完，他们就不会夹给你了。哦？！果然有效哦！后来连家人也尊重我，不再用“求求你”的眼光让我觉得非把食物吃完才行。

但是，我在工作上就是无法保持这样的平衡。今天，一个客户公司的员工似乎让我去查看是不是我的报告有问题。我告诉他，我得请我的同事查，因为不是我亲手做的报告。他用一种不爽的眼神看着我。结果，我还是自己留下来查了。

这个举动让我又累又饿，我是挨着饿做完了研究，回复了电邮才离开公司。我真的很气我自己为什么不能放手。结果今天原本该做的工作没有完成。怎么办才好？我又恨又不知道为什么自己这样。

这界线虽然看不见却是每一个人生命当中很重要的学习。

---

9/12/2019 写的。没写完，今天补完整了最后一句。

20/4/20

今年，每个月的二十号都是好日子。20/4/20，20/5/20，20/6/20……

好好珍惜，有些东西习惯了不代表不会失去，没有了不代表不懂珍惜。

加油！每个不如意是一个崭新的挑战；每个称心如意也同时是居安思危的契机。

原来，人生没有什么过不去。过不去的是我们自己的情绪，咽不下那口气就看不到前面的新天地。

失败并没有什么大不了；反而是从未失败过的人才可悲。连人生里面最基本的过程——失败——都未曾经历过！

20/4/20
- 不如意之事十之八九
- 严以律己；宽以待人
- 失败乃成功之母
- 决不放弃（任遭何事，不要惧怕，天父必看顾）
- 就算是别人的错也不代表我不可以道歉；为那个状况感到抱歉，为了挽回关系而道歉

写下来就会印象深刻，以后可以用到哦~

不知道我到30/4/30的时候会是什么样子的？我还会认得自己从前是什么样的吗？

十年又十天~

绿豆是用绿豆种出来的吗？

原来就是！孤陋寡闻看一看：https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/21646466

亲密关系 Intimate Relationship

哪哪哪，看到题目不要想歪。我指的是友情。

我要讲一件事，我不知道是圣灵的提醒或者是自己的敏感。

最近，我和M的私讯比较频繁，我开始有一个声音/感觉提醒我要减少/停止这种接触。

前一阵子，我和L也是比较常私底下联络，我们还因为去参加会议等等住在同一个房间，然后我就开始也有这样的感觉，就是似乎太亲密了需要隔离一下。 我反思:
为何会有这样的反应，因为我也很害怕我会产生一些不应该有的感觉而破坏了我们的友情。

是因为我不习惯亲密的关系吗？

昨天我看了Sacred Vow，里面的丈夫因为没有和妻子时常保持亲密而忘了他对妻子的爱。我是不是因为不常有亲密关系而会感到不可思议/产生对抗的想法为了避免毁灭性的结局。我不确定。

初中一的时候，确实我和一个朋友的友情变成了我对她的情感依赖。后来，又因为这种不健康的亲密而导致我们冷战了1年，变成了普通朋友。我很伤心，一方面希望可以继续建立亲密的友情但是又觉得不晓得如何可以健康地发展。

我是不是又再一次面对这样的挑战？从喜欢的感觉变成了不健康的亲密？

---
Nah, nah, nah, don't think wrongly about the topic, what I mean is intimate friendship.

I want to tell something, I do not know whether it's a prompting of the Holy Spirit or it's my own sensitivity.

Recently, I've been frequently personal messaging M and after a few days I hear a voice / feeling reminding me to reduce the frequency or stop this type of contact.

A while back, I also have a lot of personal contact with L, we even share a room because we attend the same conference. After a some time, I felt the same too, as if the relationship is too intimate and need distancing.

As I reflect:

Why would I have such a reaction? Probably is because I'm afraid it could develop into some inappropriate feelings and destroy our friendships.

Was it because I'm not used to intimate relationships?

I watched the movie Sacred Vow last night, the husband in the movie neglected the intimacy time with his wife and forgotten his love for her. So I thought, was it because I seldom have intimate relationships therefore I feel beyond comprehension or has developed a defensive thought to avoid a destructive ending? I'm not sure.

When I was studying form 1, I did have a good friend but I was emotionally dependent on her. Because of such unhealthy relationship, we ended up with 1 year of cold water, and become just friend. I feel sad about it. On one hand I hope we could continue to have this intimate friendship but on the other hand I do not know how to continue healthily.

Is this the same challenge coming back again? From the mere liking becomes unhealthy intimacy?

^^^***^^^

I pray to God, ask for His forgiveness for the broken relationship in form 1. To comfort the friend in God's own unique way. I'm happy that she is happily married and has a kid now. I hope she is not affected by the past we shared and has moved on healthily. Oh, God, help me to develop healthy intimate friendships as we all need to have close friends. May God oversees our development, let me be transparent and allow them to continue to walk together as close friends. As we all need healthy friendships to encourage us, to cheer us up, to journey together in life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

越认识越沮丧

为什么要认识自己？

越认识我越沮丧

我，就是和别人不同。但是不被接受。

My uniqueness is a curse! 

I should be like everybody else except me!

我可以

像我妈那么有优先秩序；

像我大弟那么精细分析；

像我妹那么潇洒；

像我小弟那么健美帅气；

像我爸那么爱吃零嘴；

就是不可以像我！

甚至要像基督那么博爱公义~

Who am I? But nobody because I need to be somebody.

防疫咨询--记得有困难就打电话

几乎每一天都收到新冠肺炎抗疫期间有24小时的咨询服务。是为什么？

是因为他们知道

1. 困在家里会疯掉？

2. 和家人困在一起会忧郁？

3. 不能和家人以外的人见面会活不下去？

其实可能这段期间的自杀率是最低的。

人想要生存的意志力是最强的。

感恩的心是最大的。

Struggle.Battle.Conflict.Storm

I've abandoned my blog since January 2020, immediately after I make a wish to do a weekly journal...

Malaysia has gone into such a long period of Movement Control Order (MCO) where humans are trapped in their own homes like a zoo.

Parents and children, grandparents even, kids, adults, young and old, everyone under one roof are not allowed to simply go out on their own except for the leader of the family to do groceries shopping.

It has been a great challenge to me and it's getting greater when the "lockdown" extends. I wish the "lockdown" is over because I'm beginning to feel suffocating living with others. I can't be myself because "I am just not reaching standard", I need to become the "standard" way of living, otherwise I'm rebellious!

What have I become? A rebellious, not following order, individualistic daughter, who is selfish, and not helpful.

So, now the "me" has been magnified because I couldn't swallow down the statement above. But is that true? Yes, perhaps but I cannot accept it.

If I'm so disastrous, please take away my life and buried me 6 feet under. Why still keeping me alive?

If God accepted me as who I am, why do I need to live up to His standard? What is the freedom I have to be me? Or should I not be me but someone else? I see, the answer is to be Jesus Christ, the ultimate human standard! Who am I? Why is "I" so important?

But God accepted me, "me" isn't it? Or He just accepted "me" to become like Him?


I'm battling with God because I cannot see myself clearly without "hearing" the things coming out of my mother's mouth.

"You never have joy"
"You never help"
"You are always angry"
"Cincai lar, you choose lar"

I need to be ever-loving, ever-joyful, ever-helpful, ever-energetic, ever-able, ever-calm, ever-obey, ever-abiding, ever-n, you can add on the list. But I am just never!

Then I ask God to take away my life, take away my existence, wipe me out from history, so that I never even existed on this earth. Wipe out all of me in other people's history as well. I'm not there.


没有我，地球依然转动；
有了我，地球没有变动。

Conflicting thoughts, who am I? Why is there I? I? I am not I. Me not me.


My heart is experiencing storm, identity crisis, not knowing who I am? Why I am living? Why do I even bother to life a good life? Do I even worth living?

I remembered years ago, I threw away a full bag of all my medals, my trophies, along with my self-worth. I'm worth nothing more than those medals/trophies which are now merely thrash. Moments of being the most valuable person in the field, the ability to be a key player in the team, all gone down into the bin.

Why do I throw them away if they represents me so much? Because they are worthless to my mother. They are merely dust collecting decorations!


I really wish to go if God allows. I said, I'm willing to be infected by COVID-19 and just be gone~

Who cares? Those who care, I ask God to wipe out their memory about me.

Let me sister have no sister to remember, my mother has only 1 daughter, my friends have never met me, my brothers have only 1 sister, my father remembers only 1 daughter, and everyone never ever met me. I'm but just some junk to be decluttered.

Week 2 of 2020

This year, I decided to write a weekly journal at the end of every week.

A week of blurry vision and headaches. 

A week of reflecting my diet and health.

A time to think about God's word. God's blessings in difficult times

A time to think of a new career or work or job or role.

A time to upkeep my car. Given it a good bath and a new set of wheels. Vroom Vroom~

A friend "forced" me to the park to walk after my long day of sleeping. Reviewing all my failures and encouraging me to restart with help.

I am so uncertain and feel helpless abput the future. Sometimes I can behave and self discipline, sometimes I just overdo or don't care much. How lar, in the beginning of year already have this kind of mindset haha. Start with the end in mind, I think I started with the end already hahaha.

Okay, time to be serious. So, this year, don't talk about 12 months but first 3 months is crucial for me to bring my BG and HbA1C down. I don't know how low it can go, I hope and plan to go within 7 from 13. So, I need to start OMAD, LCIF, and every possible ways to get back my life. I felt lethargic all the time with this body and it's condition. And to commit this to God as He will be my guide, I just need to walk closely with Him and listen and take heed of what He says/whispers. And execute or act on what I heard. That's enough.

Oh, by the way, I plan to copy some Bible verses during lunch time as I learn to fast (may be + pray as my friend suggested). Let's do 1 and increase by 1 everyday. Gambatte 💪

God's blessings will always be there in times of battles. I just need to be able to see / discern. As I walk, I will see His act and see how He is working and work together with Him. He will bring me through.

Week 2 done!

思想 thoughts

有时候我会有一些邪恶或者不好的思想。如果说出来，真的会很伤人。

我好累，我无法控制这些消极思想的出现，更无法抑制它们的存在。我已经被涂污了，需要很多的排毒。

可是思想怎么排毒？

弟兄们，我还有未尽的话：凡是真实的、可敬的、公义的、清洁的、可爱的、有美名的，若有什么德行，若有什么称赞，这些事你们都要思念。

腓立比书 4:8 CUNPSS-神

https://bible.com/bible/48/php.4.8.CUNPSS-神

啊~好难啊~~~

Full of energy 充满活力

最近我认识一个新朋友。一个充满活力的女生！

好久没有一大早起来就已经充满活力。每天赶上班，为了“我也不知道为什么”的理由。

今天早上和她吃早餐，真的发现自己没有她那么有精力。我的一切动作和她相比之下好像老太婆一样。真的是因为年纪的差别？还是因为我太久没锻炼了？虽然打球的时候也不是那么敏捷但不致于如今这般颓废。

啊~是时候检讨一下自己，是不是该开始锻炼锻炼了！

做什么事会让我开心？

我在哪一方面绑架了我自己？

https://youtu.be/bRtBHF-WPpM

自由是选择的权利。我真的自由了吗？

Gluttony

Have I ever written a post with such title? Can't remember.

Anyway, let me tell you how gluttony looks like with my dinner last night:

1) 8 pcs of Oden with Shabu noodle from Family Mart

2) 1 Big breakfast sandwich (with egg, ham, cheese and white bread)

3) 1 pc of matcha hanjuku cheese cake

4) 200ml of Farm Fresh Milk

5) 3 pcs KFC Cheesy Fried Chicken

6) 1 small cup of KFC coleslaw

7) 1 small cup of KFC mash potatoes with sauce

8) 1 cup of regular KFC pepsi black

9) 1L bottle of coke light with salt & ice

10) 150ml of A&W carbonated water

11) 100g of chacheer cream flavoured sunflower seeds

12) 200ml of plain water

Wow~ what a night to drenched in loneliness with food.

And then I sleep for 10 hours to digest all the food.

What a journey.

糗

今晚提早下班和友人看了场电影「Last Christmas」。女主角做了一些糗事，让我想起了当年。

那些年，我们曾经做过的糗事。

我想起我曾经很兴奋地穿起裙子👗去上班希望引起我心仪男生的注意。结果，很多人都说很好看啊，不错啊，等等非常悦耳的话。唯独那个我想引起注意的男生无动于衷🤦🏻‍♀️。

会想起这事可能是因为友人问，你觉得我这个样子会有人注意到我吗？

我其实想告诉她，注不注意到并不是你家的事，而是他家的事，因为各人眼光不同。不过不知道我哈拉了什么，希望她明白我的意思，也就不要在意别人的眼光。

糗。过往曾经...

I will cast all my cares upon You

要站起來不一定要先跌倒；但是跌倒了一定要想站起來

To stand up, one does not need to fall but after fell down, one must desire to stand up

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYKi7LuxRTs

当我跌倒的时候，我没有了想站起来的欲望，我跌坐在地上，自怜自唉。耶稣静静地站在我身旁，用父亲慈爱的眼神深情地望着我，伸出了他的手让我搀扶。

好长一段时间，天父总是在等待。等待我这个不愿意站起来的女儿。不愿意，不是没有欲望，而是害怕再一次的跌倒。

耶稣不单愿意让我拉着他的手，他还把我抱进了怀里。我把双手为着这位亲爱的颈项，轻声对他说：好吧，带我到你要我去的地方吧。不是用我的双腿，而是让他扛着我到那个我不知道的未来。

Message Therapy

And I just coined this new term "message therapy". I had a really long instant messaging time with a friend over WhatsApp and yes, she did help me through a tough day, in fact 2 tough days to be precise.

Lots of things like a thick mucus in a stuffy nose stuck in my brain causing a foggy brain, function-less. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't focus, couldn't be creative. And yet again, similar situation happened before in the past. Except this time, there's one person, who's willing to be the listening ear and attentive eyes to read my messages, respond to them and created a conversation that's light and enjoyable.

I am the eldest among my siblings and I didn't have any elder siblings to sometimes depend on. Well, she is like a big sister to me. Her experiences helped me to reflect on my own and her keep watch through prayers did comfort me a lot and also act as a reminder for me.

So, she asked, what would you do to draw yourself away from the bad habits? How can I help as a friend. Yet, I do not have an answer. Being the eldest means I have to be the example, so it's so strange to accept help from others even more from a closer one. Perhaps the new year, new term, new beginning, is also a new journey for me to begin with, to start "living" in a community, depend on the life of others to grow, and at the same time to be dependent through my life story of how God has helped me through tough times.

Out of the topic, I do realised, sometimes when I couldn't interpret sincerely, it's because I have yet to accept the truth myself. So I couldn't even utter the same words from the speaker.

Well, now that I know message therapy could work on me. Next, is for me to be ready, to help another who need such a time and attention.

May the Lord be glorified.

New~Plan~

"Be Ready" He said. "What to be ready for? And What is to be ready?" I wondered.

A new year is coming soon. It's the toughest time of the year again, with the issues in workplace, the much needed time and effort for church ministry, and the all new resolution for the new year.

All is needed is the quiet time to be with my Lord. To hear Him, to talk to Him, to come up with a new plan he has installed for me. To fix my eyes on Him, who is my redeemer and the only person I should be focusing my attention on.

In the beginning of this year 2019, He has renewed my mind to see His greatness, His holiness, and slowly His righteousness, His pureness, His beauty, and my worth. 

I am indeed His beautiful holy bride 👰, He is my groom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, let's anticipate what's installed for me eh? 😎

雨•录

雨天已经不再是想念她的日子。过去让它过去。

今天不舒服仍然上班了。和老板说了6个月的假期。还在等回复。

状态不好的我，工作都办不好。和M还有L聊了。好过一点了。

祈求上帝使我心意更新而变化，在他的同在里成长，成为合神心意的女人。

生活？生存？

很努力吃好的，运动--维持健康的身体

后来，12、13、14、15、16小时在公司... 我在想干嘛不干脆住在公司？反正有浴室，有沙发，有水就住得了。

为什么？为什么工作？为什么要完成工作？为什么不可以接受自己做不到？大家都在努力，可是就是达不到目标。拼死一搏值得吗？

什么是值得？值得什么？

每个人都只有24小时。你会如何使用？什么是值得你花精力在这时间的限制里去完成的？有什么是你愿意花所有的时间去达到的？

我谴责自己做不到，甚至觉得为什么其他人需要我每个细节都帮助？我开始产生苦毒。为什么我必须把时间精力都给你们？为什么你们自己不能独立去完成？我，这是多管闲事吗？

回忆起从前有个同学骂我：不要多管别人的事。我的强烈好奇心被北冰洋的水泼了一把。从那时起，我很努力控制我的好奇心。我自己怎么，我管得了；别人怎么了，我不管了。你要帮助吗？你自己努力吧。

我牺牲了健康来完成工作，值得吗？
为了完成工作，我开始喝咖啡因饮料，结果换来的是什么？
尽了最大的努力，我还是不能达标。我为什么坚持？

如果我有机会重来会一样吗？
也许他们也觉得我不称职。

为了坚持，我不知道哭了多少次。我很辛苦。同时中挣扎着要完成，还要帮助同事我才能完成。分派出去的工作我还是得自己去跟进。结果还是卡在我身上。

朋友说：如果有一天你倒下了，明天马上就会有接替你的人。那你为什么那么拼？那不过是一份工作而已。你为什么不照顾好自己的健康？

健康就是花时间运动，休闲，稳定心跳，交交朋友，吹吹水，逛逛街，早睡早起，读经祷告，吃吃均衡的食物，有自制能力，生活规律。结果我是几乎每一晚都在心里抱怨“又吃不到晚餐了”。别人是这样吗？我妈问。我不去电影院了，我看10分钟看电影的说电影人制作的短片精髓。我寻找晚上甚至凌晨还在营业的店铺。每晚都报到。有时候真的很累，在车上睡了一觉才继续开回家。又或者开到店那里，太累了，在车上睡到他们打烊惊醒了我才又继续回家。

我是一粒麦子吗？非得死了才有用处？

思前想后

虽然觉得这个工程真的做不下去。

可是，怎么样才能脱离？

看着老板，真的不忍心告诉他，我不行了。

可是我如果倒下去，我不会被怜惜。下一刻马上就会有替代我的人。

我是为什坚持留下来？

我真的有贡献吗？
我的付出是值得的吗？

最近一直想把老板的电话号码传给我妈，似乎担心自己真的坚持不了。

行不行

拥挤的轻快铁，承载着各种不同的人。快要窒息的我，夹在背着婴儿的妈妈和车门中间…凌晨五点半被吓醒，听到了敲门声。今天又是status update的日子。好痛苦。为什么，我思索。身体充满的完全只是瞌睡的力量…

回复了S.T的分享。觉得那才是让我稍有热忱的事情。每天的工作都没有比作家务来得更使人振奋。看来我不行了。