Lesson to learn

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.

Things we don't want to know but have to learn.

and people we can't live without but have to let go.
~ JJ - Criminal Minds S6E2 ~

Why workaholic me...

Now, according to some article, we humans have two major kinds of personality -- Type A and Type B. Referring to the article that I read "A and B Personality Types"(http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/AB.html)

I think I am more Type A than Type B. When I read on, I found the following which is the workaholic side of me is actually a self-destructive tendency.

Self-destructive tendancies:

over-working
gorging on high-fat foods
overuse of stimulants
low levels of exercise
high alcohol intake
smoking
no time for self care

works during vacations
over-plan vacation's activities
works in bed
inability to relax/be unproductive
fails to notice beauty/scenery/'smell the flowers'
over-schedule themselves
over-committed
guilt over relaxing
always works more than eight hours a day
sits on edge of chairs
make fists
clench jaws
taps fingers
jiggles legs
rapid blinks
never still 

Those highlighted in red are things that I do.

'Workaholic'

recreation only with friends from work
better communication at work than at home
organized hobbies
work as a substitute for intimate contacts
reading is all work related
work late more than peers do
when awakened thoughts go to work
live by deadlines and quotas
creates unnecessary deadlines

I think I really messed up my life with all the things mentioned above. I need a way out so that I live freely from bondage of my work.

Steps to freedom are fearful. I wonder if I would be able to continue...

Now I understand how the Israelite felt when they left Egypt for Canaan Land.

Am I going to obey and continue walking and trust that God will provide everything that I need? I will try my very best...

你不知道的事

最近这首歌很入心。是的，多的是我不知道的事。

胡思乱想

又开始在想，我到底为什么写blog？我知道这只是“先有鸡还是先有蛋”式，没完没了的问题，却无法禁止脑海里这无止境的挣扎。

思想，是我最好的帮助也是令我最困扰的一件事。想着好的，日子过得轻松自在；掉进无止境的问题里，我总是无法自拔。

今天，老毛病又犯了。我无法控制的留下来。留在我不应该逗留的地方。离开比留下更让我恐惧不安。有人听见我痛苦的呐喊吗？似乎连我自己都听不见了。这么习惯地重复着痛苦的恶性循环，我早已对自己的痛苦感到麻木。似乎不痛苦才是不寻常。这不正证明了我被虐待的倾向吗？哈哈哈。

我想约人去吃晚餐，想想，不知道要吃什么、对方不一定得空、就算得空也不见得想要吃我想吃的、就算想要吃我想吃的也不一定有时间一起去吃、就算想吃也有时间也不一定方便……很多很多的胡思乱想，最终独自一人逼不得已啃着饼干优格。在甜、咸、酸、脆之中解决了晚餐。

如果有机会，我想放下工作，然后无所事事一阵子。毫无储蓄的我如何可以无所事事的生存呢？无所事事只不过是变相的懒惰吧。我还是赶快打消此念头的好。

循规蹈矩只是变相的墨守成规。

小心翼翼也只是胆却、没有勇气接受挑战的另一种解释。

如此，不负责任难道不是潇洒吗？毫无约束难道不是有弹性吗？随心所欲难道不是自由吗？

如果别人连骂你都不想了难道你不可怜吗？

今晚可以高歌“今天不回家”吗？有人愿意陪我吃宵夜吗？答案是，不可以。如果你有勇气打电话的话也许有机会找到一个人，但是我没有勇气。

我可以开车一路向北吗？一直走到我筋疲力尽为止……

雨下一整晚，好久不见的你说了再见才发现再也见不到。搭上时光机跨时代去找你。这些不能说的秘密都记录在爱的飞行日记里。自导自演，这说好的幸福呢？千里之外上演着这场最长的电影，嘲笑我的黑色幽默。我以为白色风车是我们蒲公英的约定地点。没想到菊花台上阳光宅男正穿着你亲手编织的黑色毛衣。蓝色风暴中岂能找到彩虹？夜曲犹如四面楚歌环绕着我，震耳欲聋！我的心好像断了的弦，静止无声。回到过去才发现最后的战役已经谱上了止战之殇。想要你给我一首歌的时间，但是我徘徊在爱情悬崖始终开不了口。

爸，我回来了。回到我的地盘，乔克叔叔对我说，“傻孩子，超人不会飞，你还是乖乖听妈妈的话吧。”

夜的第七章——终结。流浪诗人在迷迭香的花海里刻暗号。

这一切记录在半岛铁盒里，安静的躺在威廉古堡深处的角落。

上海一九四三。世界末日。魔术先生在我眼前施法，我看见了你比从前快乐……

突发奇想，写了上面的故事。这样的结局，难过唯美吗？也只不过是我胡思乱想的并凑。为这篇文章画上美好的休止符。

New Blog Look

I like my new blog look! Thanks the template creator, Josh Peterson!

有些。。。

有些生命故事看了百遍依然感动落泪；
有些好音乐听了千遍仍然安慰人心；
有些真理记在心里，思考万遍总是有新发现。

Car Accident

I met with a car accident 3 nights ago. It was a minor car accident but several things I learned from it:

1. My Heavenly Dad loves me. He had one of His angels -- Angel to pray for me.
2. My dad loves me very much. He understand that I am like him, who will feel anxious in such situation and keep reminding me to calm down.
3. I drive carelessly due to unconscious driving. My mind was wandering while driving.
4. No snacks in car. If you are hungry, get to the nearest rest station and have something before you move on.
   
5. I shall not overwork and drive.
6. I need to relax.
7. Finally, do not do anything under unhealthy stress.

I shall train myself to leave work early and think no more about work when I am not in the office.

This car accident wasn't just some incident. I think is my Daddy calling me from above. Take heed lest you fall.

Relax

A little instrumental music + a cup of fresh brewed coffee + a good book + a timeless afternoon

东窗事发

第三次了。我在车上睡觉已经是第三次了。可是，这次我泊在后巷，居然在凌晨五点钟有人来敲窗，让我把引擎关上因为吵到他们睡觉。我有一百个不明白，可是后来我决定离开，想了一下，就回到公司来。同事说，公司才是我的第一个家，我想这话是对的。

昨晚，在开车时一直想东西，结果心不在焉撞到了在交通灯前无辜的受害者。我只知道当时我很饿，很累，一心想回公司把工作完成然后回家。不想，却发生了悲剧。不单要给别人赔偿，自己的车子也需要修理。最后我还是回到公司工作，打了电话让同事来帮忙看看车子。后来，还是工作到了半夜，妈妈打电话来教训了我一顿。是的，我是该被骂一顿了。工作到凌晨一点左右，收拾好了离开。回到住处，发现停满了车子，只有后巷可以停泊。我想说，没事，就把车停在后巷。不想，又发生了不愉快的结局。

我该怎么办？足不出户还是避免开车或者把公司当成家还是……

前两次，车子泊在屋旁的小巷子没事，今天却发生了这样的事。最终我还是必须回答这个问题：“为什么选择在车上过夜？”我只能够说，回去睡觉而不洗澡室友会不喜欢，冲凉又会吵到另一个室友。归根究底，我干嘛一开始就选择留在公司到深夜？我还是放不下吗？自己曾经也说过工作是做不完的，何必为了工作而忽略了其他的事情呢？

渐渐发现，我在许多方面都有问题，而且已经成为问题了的问题。就比如说，心理不平衡是正常的，但是心理不平衡而开始杀人那就是问题了。所以我的问题已经发展成后者般严重了。工作不敢拿假期，除非有什么事务在身比如圣诞节节目练习；和室友同住不敢睡觉不先洗澡，虽然还是有几次；乱花钱导致严重不够支付生活费而需要挨饿或者在公司和热饮；精神不集中，开车撞倒别的车子；不会做的工作不敢问，似乎还怕别人用“你烦不烦啊”的眼神回答我的问题，……

很多很多理不清的问题，大大小小影响着我的生活。开车怕车祸，回家怕室友，工作怕眼色，……什么时候开始，我变成这样贪生怕死的兔崽子了？

人家说我们做事应当出于爱就万事OK。可是我做事就是出于害怕吧，不然我想我应该换工/换环境了。在这里工作了三年却不觉得自己有什么长进反而笨了、怕了。尤其是有权利的人。比如今天早上的敲窗事件，到底我是应该道歉还是应该告诉他我也是在尝试睡觉？可怜的我连这样都要问……

千万不要问我，你还好吗？我的答案大概是不知道。好是怎么定义的呢？经过这些事会好吗？反过来问，经过这些事就不会好吗？

最后，我想问，我为了什么写这一些还放上网？是想让别人知道我的近况、想法？那我为什么不找个朋友来说说？嗯，屈指一数，朋友到底有几个？我不知道。不是多到不知道，而是不知道谁才是朋友……向我这等人，怎么还能够活到今天？这难道还不是神迹吗？

记忆中的美好

今天，趁老板出差，忙里偷闲。浏览了面子书，看到了一些很旧的照片，也略略翻阅了一些同学的照片。嗯，这一切一切不就是我记忆中的美好片段吗。

虽然校友内疚在工作时间作私事，可是我已经失去了这一片记忆在过去整整一个月里。沉寂在一堆永远做不完的工作里，差一点就透不过气了。

这星期好像也拿一天假期，就在家里看书。把那些早该看完的好书认真的看完，然后再买新的:)

从工作狂的生活里走出来，我似乎感受到了活人的气息，我好想好好活。帮助我，让我每一天都在记忆中留下美好的时刻。但愿你成为我记忆中的美好。

工作狂人 2

你知道吗，工作狂可以不吃不喝，只为了工作。甚至不在乎所有的一切只有工作。

虽然如此，我已经厌弃了这样的生活。我想等我还清车子的贷款，我就会想要离开一下。找回自己。

工作狂人是应该对工作狂热而不是麻木……

是那源源不绝的要求让我无法透气。

对于上司的一句谢谢开始觉得厌烦。一句谢谢就要了我的命吗？我呸！

工作狂人开始有自毁倾向，这……是征兆吗？离开的征兆……

工作狂人

近来，我又开始工作狂的生活。到底是工作真的很多，还是我刻意要留下来？
是我不懂得分配时间还是任时间支配？

Map to MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd

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对自己要有耐心

「严以律己，宽以待人」

这一直都是我做人的道理。随意任人犯我亦忍气吞声。今天，我却读到「对自己要有耐心」！原来我的严以律己，忘了给自己一点宽容，忘了我只是一个人这个事实。

虽要严谨生活却不该忘记我们不是与属世的争战而是属灵的。人岂能靠自己胜任？

All I Need Is You

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord
© 2005 Cbs/Epic/Wtg Records

What is love? n What is marriage ?

A student asks a teacher: What is love?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.
The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person

The student asked: What is marriage then?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. this is marriage

Be courteous to all , but intimate with few , and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

Come Holy Spirit

Precious Cross 宝贵十架 by Stream of Praise 赞美之泉

Original Music Video


Enlarged Lyrics (the singing is clearer)


敬拜讚美專輯 11 寶貴十架 Stream of Praise Praise and Worship album 11 "Precious Cross"

Lyrics:

Precious Cross 宝贵十架 （bao gui shi jia）

Verse 1:

主 耶 稣 我 感 谢 你
zhu ye su wo gan xie ni
Thank you Lord, You died for me

你 的 身 体 为 我 而 舍
ni di shen ti wei wo er she
With love, You gave Your life for me

带 我 出 黑 暗 进 入 光 明 国 度
dai wo chu hei an jin ru guang ming guo du
Brought me from darkness into the world of light

使 我 再 次 能 看 见
shi wo zai ci neng kan jian
Opened my eyes to see

Verse 2:

主 耶 稣 我 感 谢 你
zhu ye su wo gan xie ni
Praise Your Lord, Your love for me

你 的 宝 血 为 我 而 流
ni di bao xue wei wo er liu
Your blood of grace flows over me

宝 贵 十 架 上 一 直 恩 典 涌 流
bao gui shi jia shang yi zhi en dian yong liu
Your tender mercy pours down from Calvary

使 我 完 全 得 自 由
shi wo wan quan de zi you
Your love has set me so free

Chorus:

宝 贵 十 架 的 大 能 赐 我 生 命
bao gui shi jia di da neng ci wo sheng ming
The precious cross, by its pow’r I am set free

主 耶 稣 我 俯 伏 敬 拜 你
zhu ye su wo fu fu jing bai ni
With my all, I worship at Your feet

宝 贵 十 架 的 救 恩 是 你 所 立 的 约
bao gui shi jia di jiu en shi ni suo li di yue
Your saving grace, so secure in this promise of old

你 的 爱 永 远 不 会 改 变
ni di ai yong yuan bu hui gai bian
It’s Your love unchanging for me

Powerpoint can be downloaded from the SOP website: http://www.sopmedia.com/powerpoint/trad_bi/04_%20precious_cross_bi.ppt

好好恋爱

Lyrics:

(孩子)﹕我的天父 可否讓我好好地談戀愛

不再流淚 不再傷痛 不再聚合又要分開

我的天父 我只想要安穩地找個人來愛

請讓我知道 那個人在不在

(天父)﹕我的孩子 難道你忘記了我就是愛

學懂愛我 學懂愛你自己 你就懂好好戀愛

我的孩子 何不嘗試安靜的慢慢去等待

你就會知道 那個人在不在

(天父)﹕你是否願意相信

每時每刻都在我手裹

沒有事情 是太早或是太遲

(孩子)﹕愛我的主 我願意相信

萬事萬物都在你手裹

請教我順服 你的旨意

Understanding vs Ignorance

Understanding how something works makes living with it easier, whereas lack of understanding and ignorance promote fear and superstition and make us more critical of others. A birdwatcher does not study birds so that he can shoot them down and keep them as trophies.

~ Allan Pease, Body Language

爱和全世界

拖泥。水瓶里的笨蛋 ~~~Aquarious0119: 跌落凡间的天使

故事里说，天使再也不能飞回天堂是因为它对人世间的某个人产生了爱意，沉重的爱意让它的翅膀再也不能扇动，再也回不去了。它放弃曾经拥有的，来换取一份它 不能拥有的。

这样的一份爱到底该多沉重，才能让一个人放弃原本的东西呢？

我可以放弃什么来拥有你？没人问过我。我也没想过。

我真的不知道。

你是我拥有最好的，所以我不知道我还能有什么可以放弃。

我看了以上分享，心里一直想着这句话：“我可以放弃什么来拥有你？”

以前，我以为全世界就真的只有你。然而，当我发现原来自己是井底之蛙以后，我学会了放手。离开执着、自私的心，我看到了蓝色的天空。

如果我是天使，我会后悔放弃了全世界之为了爱一个人。爱不应该让我失去一切，而是让我学习在不完美中接受我们的不同。

Printer? Toaster?

Wow! This is so the cool!




http://asia.cnet.com/crave/2009/12/22/toaster-looks-like-printer-behaves-like-one/?scid=nl_c_dp

I wonder if they can print something else on the toasted area? :-P

Women, you need strength training!

http://www.quakeroats.ca/en/oats-and-you/for-your-health/womens-health/the-benefits-of-strength-training-for-women.aspx

天空 · Sky

我喜欢天空。

瞻仰天空，他总是在云的另一端。

虽然我看不见他的脸孔，可是我知道他在看顾着我。领我走过死荫的幽谷，总不撇下丢弃我。

我时常偏行己路，他却常保护。

他住在天上，云的另一端。

他是爱我的天父 <3

Happiness

How? (Typical C (DISC) Type)

I was asked, "What makes you happy?"

I have no idea!?

What do you do that would make you happy? I don't know. Deep down in my heart, I really don't know.

I smile when I watch drama, laugh at those jokes, cry when the scenes are touching but what makes me happy?

I can never make myself happy. The only thing I know is when other people recognised what I do is correct and accept it, I am happy. But most of the time, I only blame myself for not being able to do something that makes the other person happy.

I couldn't just walk away from depression... these mood swings is causing my life!

May be it's time to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

Tomorrow is a new beginning and I hope to open up my eyes to see a bright future :-)

Hero . Surrender . Love

"There's a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don't have to be afraid of what you are..."

"Surrender all you have."

"For My love is sufficient to sustain you."

These are thought I have until this moment of the day. Why? There are changes in my life. Every time when something changes, I get anxiety attack. I get so worried about why it changes and make too quick a decision I regret later. The uncertainty after the change makes me more worried than ever.

I kept hearing my mind singing "Hero". I saw a blogger blogged about Surrender. I know the love of God is sufficient to sustain mine and everyone else's life. But I am just so anxious. May be I am a control freak. I cannot let things go hay wire or ahead of me. I felt insecure.

I have a Hero who would die for me yet I did not surrender myself fully to Him to receive His wonderful and abundant Love. I just don't know why. I kept some part of me to myself.

I am in the middle of a journey to believe I can live only by His grace and trust only Him. As long as He never give up on me, I should never give up. Wen told me to put some confidence in this. As far as I believe He is my protector and hero, I will one day get to the place where I believe He is all I live for.

Laugh of the day!

甲：你年薪多少?
乙：800万.
甲：那一个月有80万哦!
乙：是的,这是基本工资.
甲：不错嘛,做什么的?
乙：做梦的......

1、"代沟"就是我问老爸觉得"菊花台"怎么样,他说没喝过
2、"自恋"就是下辈子我一定要投胎做女人,然后嫁个象我这样的男人
3、"无语"就是法官问:你为什么印假钞? 罪犯说:真钞我不会印。
4、"绝望"就是饭馆吃饭点了两菜,吃第一个:"世上还有比这更难吃的吗？！"吃第二个"靠！还真有!
5、"崩溃"就是，一位老太太走进ＫＦＣ,对服务员说：我要一个肯德基,一个麦当劳，还要一个比萨。
6、"白领"- 今天发了薪水，还了贷款,交了房租、水电煤气费，买了油、米和泡面，摸摸口袋剩下的钱，感叹一声：这月工资又白领了。
7、"蓝领" - 工头说快到发工资的时间了，一算自己的住宿费，伙食费，误工费，医药费，还欠老板100多，也就懒得去领了，叫蓝领.

Adapted from http://laozhabor.blogspot.com/2009/10/happy-mid-autumn-festival.html

You could have long gone.

Have you heard of this?

I have. In fact, I heard it mostly from direct sales agent. Why? Because they always testify to others saying that you could have long gone if you have not use our product.

Sounds true to me. I could have long gone if I haven't know Jesus Christ when I was going to be 12. A traumatic event could have sent me to the edge of committing suicide or a bad friendship could have lead me to become a drug addict and eventually die of using.

I should be grateful and I am but there is something keeping me from enjoying the joy of this revelation...

Yet, let me repeat, "I could have long gone, if I have not known Jesus Christ!"

Life . Change . Maintain

Ever since being diagnosed with diabetes, I started taking the med. I have no idea how these med are going to help but eventually my glucose level has been brought down near to normal level.

I now have to monitor my meals, make sure I eat right, sleep right and exercise right to maintain my health in order to prolong my life on earth. I have realised one thing in this process. Not even drugs can change anything over night. It is a process itself.

There are so many areas of my life which has not grown into maturity. They stay as it is since teenage until now. I had wished before that there would be one kind of drugs that can immediately change everything to new but there is no such thing eh.

Change is a process of life that no one can escape. Whether you like it or not, when situation changes, you'll be forced to change as well. Sometimes we fail; other times, we move on. Anyhow, we have to get back on track to make life better. It is not something we can not do and still progress. Change is the progress.

No matter how grateful I am back to life, nothing changed. I still need to work, I still face stress from work and all sorts of circumstances that forced me to make decisions. I still need to take the drugs to control my blood sugar, I still am not able to take breakfast because of the nauseous feeling in the morning.

However, I am alive! I need to maintain life by maintaining the changes I need to go through and overcome the obstacles that stop me from changing.

I have realised one thing. No matter how bad I have been, God still loves me. He never change and He maintained it that way all the time. We change so that we become more like Him and do things that pleases Him.

Although I sin, His grace is sufficient. When I fall down, He helped me up. He brought sunlight to my life and angels to kept me from falling. Have I not felt His presence?

The thing is, I have always fail to change to maintain life. I have failed Him not once but many times. I worried if He would turn away from me but I know He will not at least for now. Even if I purposely hurt Him by sinning against Him, He still comes and hugs me and said, "My daughter, that hurts but I still love you. " How much more I can run away from His abundant love? How far can I run to not see Him? No way. No way I am going to run away from all these changes I need to make.

The med, the exercise, the diet plan, the stress in life, the good and bad situations, the strong and weak part of me, they all need to change. Life is all about changing into a better person and to maintain it so that you know it's not by your strength that you can achieve it but by the hands of God who never change that mold you into a pleasant container of His love.

Coming back from Death

Hi,

I have been grateful to be alive.

The underwater fining, drifting, photographing makes the whole trip filled with joy. I'm having sea sick now. How I wish I am a fish that will not get sea sick and can stay underwater as long as I want. Nevertheless, I'm back. I was not hurt at all just not used to the "wavy" lifestyle on and in the sea.

Every dive, I was nervous. Every dive is dangerous to me. God protected me. Even the fish did not harm me. We'd enjoyed ourselves with our bosses, colleagues. What a wonderful experience we had.

We celebrated our COO's birthday there and had a sarung party that night! Wow, now that I think back, it was so cool to be able to celebrate birthday in a different way. May be next time he'll get his birthday celebration underwater with the sarung as well!

I was extremely exhausted when I reach home. I guess this is the peer pressure the doctor told me. I was forcing myself to do things I may not even think about in the first place. However, it was an enjoyable trip because from there I see all the colleagues are careful with me, the dive master always turn around to make sure I'm ok (or may be she was trying to see if everyone is ok). Anyway, everybody knows what I'm going through and was careful not to force me into anything too much for my body. They even care about what I eat for my meals. I was scolded when I took nasi lemak in the morning on the day back. I was thinking that it was alright since we're going home and I haven't been tasting their food. But they were concern and told me it wasn't right to let loose of control.

Well, it was a wonderful trip for me and I will never forget the experience even if I don't get to dive again. At least, the warmth from the concern and care of the colleagues and bosses were all over me. I am grateful to be alive!

If there is one thing I can do in the future, I would want to go dive without getting sea sick. Then I can enjoy a few days of fishes, sea water, sand, beaches, sun, the breeze from the sea, the stress-less moments, and feel God's been watching me from the sky above.

It was raining the night we departed from KL to Terengganu. We were hoping it will be sunny in the morning the next day. Thank God, it started raining only after we have completed all 5 dives and took our underwater photographs.

I just don't know how to express but I'm grateful to be back and alive and still in one piece!

Yeah~ breathing becomes one of the most exciting thing to do on land!

Life is but grateful after you realised living is the greatest thing on earth!

Death

I have never felt so near to death. For the first time, I decided to do something which is adventurous and dangerous due to my health condition.

Diving.

My company is organising a diving certification trip to Redang. I did not get doctor's consent but am very excited to go. However, due to certain health condition, there was a time I almost give up. Once I am in the pool, I felt like going to dive again.

So, today is the day we are departing to Redang. Dead or alive, I called it. I even sent an email to my dearest friends to inform them of my leaving and told them that could be my last words. I called my mom and dad and sis last night to tell them about my trip and it sounded like saying goodbye.

Don't take me wrong. I wasn't going to say goodbye but am preparing for any emergency cases. I am still looking forward to an appointment 2 weeks later. However, with the mind of everything is going to end soon, I feel more energetic to complete the things I'm suppose to do. It's a wonderful feeling. I guess that is why we are told to live like today is the last day you get to live and then you will do your best and enjoy the most of out life.

I was told I will meet Him -- my dearest Daddy there under the sea. If I get to dive, I suppose all His wonders will be unfolded in front of my eyes! I felt loved. I know even if I don't really feel it, He still loves me and will continue to love me no matter how rebellious I become.

Well, just to make sure I leave something behind if I can't do this again, I'd like to tell you, Jesus love you and me. No matter what, His love never ceased!

Journey of Faith - The starting point

If I were to start off a journey, I won't do it by myself. I have not enough ability to do it alone. I have friends who encouraged me along the way and people who cares enough to lend me their time and ears. Good people who share good advice and finally the good Lord who never forsake me.

At the very least, I have admitted that I need a doctor and look for one and found one. It is just the beginning. There are many more challenges I have never wanted to pursue in front of me but I cannot deny that those are the things that I need to do to be healed/cured from the disease. Or, I can choose to stay at this very point and sink like a ship, which I do not want to do that anymore.

So, I have to trained my physical body to be fit all the time and my keep myself psychologically healthy to prolong the journey of faith. May be I will succeed or fail but at least I tried to be successful instead of running away again this time.

Thank God for the courage and I pray that He who have strengthen me will continue to have mercy on me until I am fit for His kingdom.

Diary 20090910

Once again, that stress overwhelmed. I could not bear. I cannot accept the comment that says, "Do you know what is priority? Why can't you finish your work?" So, does priority means I can kill myself just to deliver what you want?

May be I should just admit and say, "Yes, sir. I cannot finish my work. Can you take over or have someone take over?" It's hard to take people's disappointment but I think it's time to just let them disappoint them let my life beheaded in their hands.

The next time this issue arise, I shall not hesitate and admit my fault and ask for someone else to do it. I can't. I just can't.