Joys Departed

 Feelings - Emotions - not cool.

There are 6 core feelings I learn from this video but only 1 that is positive all the time: Happy. But it doesn't follow me all the time...

I'm not the kind that is always happy-spirit. Wakes up with a highly motivated spirit, hopeful, and energetic. Recent events are really making it harder to feel lively. All I can feel is ___________.

Nothing. Blank. Empty. 

How long will it last? I don't know... Feels like clamping in for a while... 

11-11-2020

The day of once in a lifetime.

A closure properly ended.

A group of friends ready to take flight for a new horizon.

A day worth remembering.

On 11-11-2030, what will turn out?

Letting something go is to let other things in. Look forward for what is ahead.

Exiting this group for a greater beginning.

'disbanding' one said. Well, dismissed to me, now everyone is spreading out for a better tomorrow.

11.11.2020 - 1+1+1+1 = 2+0+2+0

So, the 4 ladies group becomes 1.1.1.1 into the 2morrow 2morrow.

I won't be hoping for anything. But appreciate all that we've done to make it all the way and even to experience the separation. Detachment is also part of life isn't it -- the growing process.

Yes, we will each grow into Christ-likeness and on the final day when we meet Jesus, we know, some one at some point of our lives, supported us, walked together, grow together, learn to separate, detach and move on.

Tomodachi ganbarimasu! 

Adios, amigos!

Who affects my emotions?

I've locked by blog and there's no more reader to this blog since. Even though I've allowed KL to read but she hasn't accept it yet. 

Tomorrow night, there will be a serious talk about the initial group that started by MY since 2-Nov-2019 and the addition of ST around 22-Mar-2020.

What would be the outcome? To keep or to leave?

I'm a virus to someone

Recently I had the closes experience of self quarantine/isolation because of contact with a C19 close contact.

I started sleeping in a separate room (thank God my house has extra guest room), wearing face mask in the house except during meal time. Avoiding my family members as much as I can. Keeping a distance while talking to them.

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Imagine, I'm just indirect contact and everyone is scared about it, including myself. How about being a virus to someone. If I'm a carrier, I'm still able to get treated but if I'm THE virus. A relationship can go bad that one can be the source of disease for another, making him/her unhealthy. 

In a relationship, to regain health, one must disinfect by getting rid of the virus. To be distant away from it until he/she has develop immunity against it. So much so that during the treatment period, a protective area is needed, a clean--virus free environment. So that when all symptoms go away, that's when the body has pickup the ability to defend itself against the virus. 

Some, who developed the immunity, continue to live; those who didn't, might die in the end. May be there are those who could live but has to be in a clean environment forever until end of life.

But the virus is not going to disappear. It will just keep lingering in the world until the second coming of Jesus Christ, where He will create a new earth and heaven. The world will be pure again as the evil will be separated far away from the righteous.

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And so, the close contact resulted C19 negative. I'm relieved and resume back to closer relationship with my family.

It triggered me to ponder, if I moved out, won't it be safer for my family? Since I'm the higher risk group and likes to go out?

All that I worry about was not my own safety but the safety of others when I'm around. 

Again, what is more important if life that one is willing to risk everything else to keep it? -- Does this sound like passion to you?

Lost & Found

This is how sad I was last week when I just couldn't accept the fact that that's it. I tried to erase the gift but this week I know I was too emotional then. I took back all the pieces from dustbin. 14 pieces each, all found.

I must learn to let go of a good friend for the good of both of us! Yeah, but memories still can be kept. Still to remember.

A good friend will always be in my memory. If we ever meet again, it will be different all together. 

I cannot erase what has been done to my life, that true and real relationships promoting growth and hope in my life. I will always remember the changes that was brought about.

This, concludes the 1 year friendship and sister-ship haha. 

Til-we-meet-again~

Thank God for the little breathing space

For 2 weeks when I only have bad news, my project sponsor didn't attend the weekly status meeting. Phew~ what a relieved.

Today, finally some good news coming. I hope next week I can give him some good news without so much pressure.

Thank God for the brightening moment after 2 weeks of dark clouds.

2 weeks of Home Surveillance due to contact with close contact? Probably or not? Wait for the results tomorrow to reveal. But for precaution, I still think need to stay at home for 14 days. So, should I wear mask at home? Should I stay away from my family members for meal time? Should I move to another room away from my sister? 

Well, just do whatever is necessary to keep a distance from my family members. I am high risk group, chance of me being infected is higher. If my friend is +, then I have to take the test. So, pray to God to keep my friend safe and from all the worries and hassles. Even with God on our side, we still cannot take things lightly, necessary precautions and prevention is still needed to keep others safe as well.

Thank God again for the chaos although I cannot see the way out yet but perhaps I'm at the eye of the hurricane, until it's all over then only can see thru.

I ask God for the strength to pick up all the messes when the storm is over. I need the strength to comb through all the damages and reorganise things back into place. But who knows, perhaps it's a good mess, right? haha.

It is Painful and it Hurts -- loss of a friendship

4 days and counting. The end of October 2020 is the end of a 1 year friendship that started since 2 Nov 2019. 1 year. Just 1 year, we became good friends and even best friends. But things changed and really she needs to take off and I wish her well. Just that I know this is the end of our friendship. First time ending a friendship with a sudden stop to it and the person is still alive.

http://thisundeservedlife.com/2017/11/16/mourning-the-death-of-a-friendship/

And apparently from the article above, I'm not the only one. Some even have many years of friendship but ended also in the end. Perhaps like what is mentioned, life changes. But yeah, it hurts.

The memories of her feel so painful now and I wish we've never been friends because I don't want to feel like so terrible now.

It is I'd say, worse than the death of a friend. I've lost a good friend to dengue fever, and yes, it hurts but his life came to an end is not something I could control. Losing of a friendship felt so terrible because there seems to be the "what ifs" question hanging in the air as if I could've done something different to keep the friendship.

Who can I talk to about this to take the pain away? 

The slowly drifted away kind probably is easier to handle because the process helps to slowly move on. But a sudden stop really comes with a shock and feels like a knife through the heart. It hurts but I cannot pull it out because I will die of bleeding if I do.

Help me. Help me. I need help. I feel down. Needing a few days of leave from work I think. How? How? Take away the pain, would someone? Terrible terrible feeling.

Will it stop me from starting a new friendship? Probably not but to thread slowly in the new friendship and to express myself clearer with likes and dislikes so that the friendship can be steady and well. And perhaps learn how to cope with it better the next time.

why can't I become more mature?

https://youtu.be/kLjD7wsDq3E

Watched this... 

Grief

No doubt, I'm grieving for the lost of a friend. Again, I need to go through the terrible emotional down time. Words cannot tell. I just feel so sick about it. I hope there's a happy pill to lift me up. Even food and sleep is not doing the job.

I'm stressed about it. Physically impacted my well-being. I starting to feel angry, frustrated, and probably a little bit depress. Wanting to stop doing everything but it won't help, I know from experience. I just need to continue to take care of myself and take one step at a time.

One step at a time.

My Diabetes Log

 

A1C: 10.2

BG: 13.8 mmol/l

Danger zone!

Target: December blood test to get A1C down.

A1C: 9.0

BG: 11.8

Possible? Don't know... let's try.

Chelle Fish

I know I am selfish. 

If you agree with my mom, I won't like you; if you don't, I cannot push myself to become what my mom wants. 

So, I choose to let you go. I know you will respect my choice. Just know that the pain is going to hurt for a while and since we only know each other for 2 plus years, I think the pain will maximum be there for 2 plus years only.

Sorry, but I'm letting you go on with your life and I will militarize my life to follow command / instructions.

Perhaps leading to a permanent closure of this place.

Unavoidable, if I'm not allowed to. Sorry.

A long story

Don't worry, I'll summarise it 😁

And so, my mom said, there's none going to be the best for you, and there she goes, there she goes again, back then I have 6 men to choose from and I chose your dad just because he said he's a Christian. I didn't even find out if he really is a Christian then but since he said so, we got married.

Okay, so, the problem of me not getting married is because I'm too choosy, right? And I have too many excuses, right?

Ya, so the next one. So, I shall plan to go to Sibu, meet the new guy friend and ask him if he would like to choose me? Or at least he did say he is willing to suffer if he made the choice himself. So, I'm officially on sale ya. OFFICIALLY on sale. Promotional price, moving out clearance sale. Pay nothing and get a free package inclusive of delivery. Let me know if you need a ribbon 🎀 on it. 15 days money back guarantee. Oh right, you didn't pay a cent. Nevermind, the returned fees will be covered and any losses when you examine the product for the 15 days will be fully refunded as well. Good deal? If the product is defective, you can also return it. Remember, you have 15 days. If the product reproduced, and the new product is not satisfactory. Please return it with the product itself. The product will absorb all the possible issues in the future.

And so, I need to keep some money, to bear the living cost, the flight, and the 15 days trial. And also possibly the sin of tasting the forbidden fruit. Ahahaha... Okay lar, based on my current savings, probably not enough but how Malays could survive with 5 children and only RM 500 a month income, I should be able too.

Okay. So, yup, that's a plan. A pretty possible plan. And I only need to keep the next product alive for 18 or 21 years and then it should be able to function by itself. Well well, by then, I should just die and all the insurance money should be able to cover all my funeral. Wow, what a wonderful plan. 

So, yup. Sounds like a plan to become. Ya, I totally agree with KL that it's possible that she and other friends might agree with my decision. And we'll, it's just not comfortable for me now to follow through but it's a good thing for me, right? So, agree with me, please, I beg you 🙏

inner circle?

Confidants I believe is the word to describe people whom I trust in the world.

I know it's going to hurt blocking them off but what better ways to reduce the hurt? Better before things get messier isn't it?

I can't always run to them when things are not getting my way. They are though trustworthy but I'm not. I'm the one who has rather upside down view of everything. 

I think that I should just go to God but now that I don't trust Him anymore as I think He only wants His way and only His way is the only way. I see no point. I'd better off be a machine that follow instructions and be left aside when of no use.

What matters to me most now, is just to:

1, become healthy by doing lots of exercise. I really hate it but I cannot, I must just do it

2, plan to buy a house, just go and see some available estate and dump my money in. Follow what she (my mom) says is good and forget about how I feel. My feeling just not that important ya.

3, plan to get married. Told my mom to arrange a marriage for me if she sees a suitable candidate. Why bother to get to know each other before getting married if I'm destined to get married anyway? Who do I choose does it really matters? As long as he pleases my mom isn't it. To stop her yada yada forever on this topic and her pushy aunties for concerning that I'm still single!

4, Just focus on item 1,2,3.

5, Just focus on item 4.

6, Just focus on item 5.

7, Just focus on item 6.

8, Just focus on item 7.

9, Just focus on item 8.

10, Lastly and most importantly, FOCUS on item 9.

So ya, no place for my emotions, feelings, welfare, friends, and other things ya. Just the above 10 items.

Zilch.

Put your house in order

Order. Order. Order.

Just do it. No questions ask, no details given. Just figure it out and do it. 

I need to buy a house

I need to get married

I just follow order.

I keep silent

I just do and not speak.

Future

 What's there to hope about the future?

Erm...

Well, hope to get married 

And then buy a house

And I don't know what else I need to accomplish as a human being.

Nevermind, there will be moms to give me advice.

Listen. Obey. Don't ask. Just Do It. Like the slogan of Nike.

I will become the future. :-)

lalala, hashire. Into the future, hashire. 

接受你应该要做的。成为你应该成为的人。不要偏离左右。所谓的标杆，就是一个前途。人生的前途。

Just do what a human being supposed to do and become who a human should become. Don't turn to left, don't turn to right. I tell you there is the goal. How you get there I don't care. Just go and get there.

Future is to change me to be to me being.

boku ga ganbaru!

久坐体虚

我的工作与电脑脱不了干系。长期处在坐着的状态。昨天开始了15分钟的“在家走路”运动，拉上了上背。结果晚上左手筋痛，睡到凌晨三点🕒就起来抄写圣经、加重运动量30分钟，然后休息、冲凉，想开始工作，手不疼了却想睡觉。躺了接近2小时，9点多了。是时候再次起身去开工了。手好多了。

我在想一天一万步不知道做得到吗？分成3次30分钟的“在家走路”。试试看吧，三餐三次，应该可以吧🤭

空•无•一•物-毫•无•牵•挂

今天，我觉得我拥有的太多了。

开始要减减减。

如果当时没想到可以重复使用的，就进垃圾桶。

我不是这样但是可以就这样改变啦。

我也觉得，如果可以，要开始立遗嘱。把所有的都分出去。那就无事一身轻。可能会因此让人觉得我应该早点往生🤭。OK啦。至少发生意外离开也已经交代好了。后人不需要烦恼。

所以我离开后，别人会说什么呢？

会不会hooray! 也不错啦。死了还可以让人开心。

吃饭

我妈说：如果你说要吃饭，难道我还要问你要吃什么吗？我煮什么你就是什么啊。

我说：当然要问我要吃什么啊。

难怪她每次煮了没人吃就会开始埋怨说都没人吃我煮的食物。

妈妈就是这样的吗？

上帝也是这样的，对吗？

就是你说的，你做的都对。我做的说的，都错。都错。那就让你安排啦，我不需要给什么意见。跟着做就好了。

然后我妈又说：你就是带刺的说什么什么计划。我就说了你就自己去做啊。难道还要说要煮什么什么吗？我煮了，你还要埋怨煮的不是你要吃的吗？

我无法理解。完全不能理解，为什么我有疑问她没有答案我就是错，就要自己去找。然后没有找就又是错。

干嘛我要继续在这里。我离开吧，搬出去住，大概就不用去和她讨论这样的事情。

连吃饭都是我不对。我做的好的还要想尽办法得到她的认可。一做不好就要被讲讲讲我怎么没有计划？没有想？没有运动？没有照顾健康？只会问我为什么没有这样、没有那样。从来不是问我，怎么那么忙啊？工作不顺利吗？怎么样为你祷告？

吃饭--损我健康；不吃--被埋怨不吃她煮的。

那我该怎么办？

我觉得为人父母最难的就是cosistent。算了吧，我埋怨够多了。这部落格都发出异味了。

我进入睡眠吧。如果明天我不再开眼睛我感谢神挪去了我一切的苦恼。如果我睁开眼睛还在床上，我感谢神按照我不知道的他的我还要继续蒙下去。

你好，我们结婚吧！

妈说：你要结婚就要计划

我说：那要怎么计划？不结婚不行吗？

妈说：不结婚可以啊，但你要有计划啊。

我说：怎么计划？

妈说：就是计划买房子，结婚。

我昏。

我最后无奈，对她说：我没有什么结婚计划。你帮我找个男的，你觉得我可以就好。我就结婚然后再慢慢认识。

最近认识一个男生，大我2岁。还可以聊得来，但是还需要时间。可是就以上的对话以后。我真的没有什么想要继续聊天认识。有什么需要认识的？结婚就好，再慢慢认识。结了婚就不能分，那就任凭那人要我干嘛就干嘛咯。反正嫁了就随他啦。这样不是很好吗。

所以，明天，我会给他发短信说：你好，我们结婚吧！

健康

 拖着疲惫的身子起来观看与工作有关的线上讲座。结果不知道是哪里的线路问题，每两秒断线一次。

我在想，我疲惫是因为：

1）血糖问题？

2）缺乏运动？

3）太夜睡觉？

所以照顾健康要好像工作那么细心？

健康为了工作？工作为了健康？