Good Morning 2009, Good Night 2008!

My last post for 2008, concluding the year.

I attended the last cell group meeting of the year, here's some photographs (to prove I did attend... hehehe, haven't been faithful to attend CG, sorry, guys.): CG Christmas gathering photographs.

I thank God for the days He provided and took care of me throughout 2008.

I specially thank God for 2 spiritual ladies who have supported me throughout the year, pulling the strings to keep me from falling down.

I thank God for CG members (and my brother, also one of the CG member) who kept me in prayer and always welcome me back to CG.

I thank God for people he brought into my life, smiling events, touching moments, sad times, and His abundant grace.

This year an old lady left us to be with God. She is not that close with me but I don't even have a picture of her to remember her. She left on Christmas morning in pain (heart attack). It wasn't so sad about it but I know we are not going to expect a nice little grandma giving us ang pao for the year. My dad always driver her to church, she was my dad's cell member. We had some good times enjoying the gentleness of ama -- that's how we call her. But now, we have to learn how to give her gentleness to others because she left us with a warmth in our heart to care to share.

Well, many people left and be with the Lord this year but we never forget what they left behind for us to enjoy and remember. May be it's time to review again and to think about ourselves -- what do we want people to remember about us when we die?

I guess I couldn't finish the book "Victory over the darkness" this year, but I will try my very best to practise what I have learned from the book in 2009. Hoping to see a change in me through God.

To declare my identity:
I am a child of God. I am loved and given eternal life by God.

I believe and have faith in God.

Thank you Jesus Christ for His sacrifice. Now I appreciate everytime I can end my prayer with "In Jesus Name". It is by His name my prayers are answered. It is in His name my life was restored.

May the love of Jesus Christ brings you and me, peace and joy.

Happy New Year 2009!

Sober

Staying sober is the hardest thing for a strong addict.

When you quit from something, you stay sober and as long as you can get use to sober, you can get off with the addiction.

It felt so good to deepen into the lies of the devil but I realise it is not freedom but bondage. A "temporary pleasant" bondage. I'll have to stay sober and keep it up. Until now, I still can't get myself out of the shadow of the devil's claw. I see where I am but I'm not going out of where I am.

I want to get out and break free. No matter how hard it could be. I should and will, this time, get myself over and do not stop when it's so hard and difficult to fight and resist. For I am not alone. The key figure of Christmas -- Jesus Christ is with me and He will always be there for me. I just need to trust and jump over the gap.

My greatest fear when I was small is to jump over a drain. Even though I know the gap of the drain is not too wide for my legs to get across, I'm just not able to bear the thought of falling into the drain. Even until now, I still hesitate every time I need to cross one. But I still cross all the drains without falling into one, should I be gaining enough courage to get over the next one? I guess not. But every time I will step out in faith the cross the gap for I know He is with me, I shall have no doubts. Even if I fall, he is by my side. How far do I still want to keep Him away from my business? Soon, I will learn how to take baby steps to stand and be still.

So, Christmas has been meaningful for me. How about you? May be you should give Jesus Christ a chance to renew and change your life. For I have found the true Prince of Peace and I have decided to resist the lies of the devil.

Isa 30:15

Isaiah 30:15 (New International Version)

 15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
       "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
       in quietness and trust is your strength,
       but you would have none of it.

Exposure is no good.

I saw this when I browse through the recent updates in Live Home, "silly..dun destroy my name!"

I've used that person's name on my blog before... I thought to myself, did I misused the name? So, I put my post on draft, hopefully not cache by google yet...

Knowing too much is sometimes not so good. I'd rather know what I need to know and what I am allowed to know... I shall stop worry about these little things. Waste my time!

So, who cares if I did something wrong? I have done it, tell me and I will change. Thank you.

Diary #20081209

Last Thursday, I had a chat with Angel on Live Messenger. She concluded as follows:

jing ling ; angel: ur this attitude of thinking dat u can't when you can fight ur 'temptations'
jing ling ; angel: u kept thinking n doubting...
jing ling ; angel: because of dat..u allowed the devil a chance to enter easily

Today, a few days later, I had to admit that she was right. Many incidents happened just these few days allowed me to conclude that she was right. I struggled to accept the fact.

It was a few dreams...
One night, Andrew Chan came to our place. He did some foot massage and told me I have a lot of dreams at night during sleep. I told him it was normal to have dreams, wasn't it? Few weeks later, 2 nights ago, I had a dream about Wen. It was a bad dream. The worst I've ever had in my lifetime. A dream about me hurting Wen and I regretted and felt sorry about what I did in the dream. Then, in the afternoon the next day, I had a dream about a prostitute mother and a handicapped son. She earn by being a prostitute to raise her son. I felt sorry for her. I wish I could help her. The third one was last night. I couldn't remember the content of the dream but it was something sad and helpless.

The third dream was after I told Wen about the first and second dream. Her angry face is still so vividly shown in my head. I guess the third dream was me trying to get off the sadness.

If I kept thinking like Angel said, I will start to doubt and start to disbelief and then the evil thoughts will embrace me til I cannot breath. I can let it go and let it not harm me anymore. At first, I thought I can ignore the them and think positively but ignoring is not the final shot to end the problem. I need something better. I need God. I need the righteous one to save me from this.

I can fight the 'temptations' with God who gives me strength and He will win the battle for me.

Diary #20081207

I couldn't hold on to the truth. My sister found the "Glucovance" medication prescribed by the doctor last night. I denied it's mine. Later this afternoon, I told my mom and my sister...

My mom started her "nagging" and adviced me not to eat this and that and should eat what and what. Before she went for her nap and after we read my previous blood test report (taken on 19 Aug 2006), she said this, "I think you need to change your job. Your work now is highly affecting your health!"


May be my work does the trigger to my diabetic DNA.. It came from my dad and I knew it for long. It wasn't a surprise but I'm just not use to a sudden change of my diet.

May be it takes a while to adapt to this new change of lifestyle...

Angel once told me I had to have an attitude change... what change do I need to make? I still don't get it. Perhaps the lifestyle change has to first start with the attitude change.

Well, my mother couldn't believe it. I was advised to do another check up to confirm the symptoms like ants on my urine is proven to be high glucose. Hopefully I can do it real soon. I mean real soon.

Diary #20081206

I felt so guilty looking at the open fridge. I dare not take any food I like even though I was hungry. Still accumulating courage to tell my parents the bad news about my glucose test...

Family History + Loss Weight [+ Lost Ants in toilet]

Confirmed diagnosis:

Glucose (Fasting) 17.2 MMOL/L (Normal: <6.1) = Diabetic

I accepted the medication for 30 days and second visit to evaluate the medication effect after 25 days (30 Dec 2008) - Hopefully good news before new year... I shall listen and do exactly as the doctor advised..

Way later only go for extra check ups on Kidney lar, eyes lar.. depending on the second visit blood test results.

Bless me.

17.8

Does these numbers mean anything to you?

When the doctor saw the numbers, she was overwhelmed. Immediately, she double confirm with the nurse to see if the little device is new. She wasn't sure what she was reading is correct or not.

17.8 is displayed on the screen of that small little glucose test device. My friend who went in before me only had 8.8, which is already considered high. My reading shocked the doctor for a while.

She explained to me how important to take the lab test for accuracy. I told her I will go to my relative's lab to do the test meanwhile I let her pull more blood for lab glucose test. I will go back and collect my report tomorrow. Hopefully, it was just a joke... hahahah.. It will not be and I'll need to adjust my life again..

17.8 - Does it mean anything to you?

Words : More than words.

I admit that I do enjoy blogs with photos/pictures. They look more interesting and lively.

I do not have such passion to grab every opportunity to take pictures/photos. I just love to write.

I had a very busy Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. My church is celebrating 110th anniversary and 30th mission conference. I was glad to be there throughout the process. But in my mind, the work that is left incomplete let me to think that I do not have a good testimony. I simply did not do good to others by what I did.

My church theme this year is "One World One Vision". Beyond words. More than words. It's a picture to begin with. That's how beautiful our eyes were created to be able to see things that's beyond our understandings.

It is also easier to understand through pictures.

On Saturday night, I was not able to sustain throughout the sermon because it was too tiring after a whole day of physical activities during the children mission conference. We were blessed to have a good weather when we started the opening ceremony. The rain from Friday night stopped right on time. Although my team did not win any prizes but I felt the children and I know they need the gospel very much. These blessed children should be a blessing to others with what they have instead they are now abusing what they own and fear much to give/share their love with others.

How unfortunate the children who have nothing but the streets as their bed and the rubbish as their food. How fortunate we are to have a lovely house, nice clothes, good shoes, nutritious meals. I felt ashamed that I did not do my best to help those in need instead I'm abusing what I have. Sometimes, I overeat, other times, I over sleep. Therefore, on Sunday morning when we did our pledge for next year's mission fund, I dare not keep an account for myself because for what I have is what God gave. I do not and is not capable of getting all my labour worth a cent/penny if it was not God's grace.

May be you will say I'm too religious but I truly believe that God has put more that what I've asked for in my life. How little can I pay back with that little pledge card. I just hope I could help more.

On Sunday, the speaker, Dr. John Chang was a funny man. I like his voice, his tone is just nice to be heard. His attention to environment was great as well. He is the only speaker who speaks and look around to seek attention from everyone. He is very polite. He preached about team building and I think he is a great person in team building. He do things in humorous way so that people can accept his suggestion and change. He also reminded me that I am no longer a good team player.

Later that evening, my church celebrated our anniversary in a restaurant. The dishes were great except for the second dish that consists of 5 different small portions of food. Overall, I like the celebration. Especially, it was so soothing to have all brothers and sisters in Christ sitting over the table to enjoy the nice food together. The choir and praise and worship were great and amazing! They sang like angels from Heaven. I was touched by the lyrics. It says, "I will honor him in every choice I make". Have I honor God in every choice that I make?

How I hope, my thoughts, my words and my actions honor Him in every way that I can.

Why I sinned? Partly because I am not at the right place doing what I am suppose to do. Slowly, I was tempted and committed sin.

Dear Lord, help me to live a life that honors you in every way I can. Strengthen me to do the right thing. Give me spiritual wisdom so that I make right choice that glorifies your name. For what I can do is by your grace. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

I dedicated my heart to the Lord of the universe that is above all. Shall I bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit and walk the only bright and victorious path to seek His face.

Tired and exhausted.

If you read me from here. You'd probably see that I've been updating things about myself and many unhappy things.

I have never ever felt so tired before. How tired? Have you ever tried to drive with eyes open but sleeping? That's how tired I felt. I have to drive but I need to sleep.

I was so angry recently. I unistalled my Firefox and Live Messenger... but in the end I had to re-install them back because I need to use them in case for work.

I'm sleep working, sleep after I past motion before I flush.. you know how disgusting to sleep in the smelly toilet? I can even sleep with that smell.. oh, I think I really need to get some more sleep.

So, can I be late for work? Nope.
So, can I take emergency leave? Probably.
So, can I go and see doctor to ask for MC? Depends whether the doctor leng chai or not lor.. hehehe

I'm really very tired and exhausted. I just do not want to let others down. Please allow me to have more strength to move on.

Diary #20081122

I had a bad afternoon. So bad that I couldn't laugh in the cinema watching Madagascar 2. I've even worsen the situation by bringing this negative emotions into the group of people I'm hanging out with.

It was a sunny day, we went to eat seafood noodles at Segambut. It was a great lunch until we came back from lunch. I was listening to streaming audio and pop-up the lyrics. My supervisor passed by my desk and saw the second monitor (I'm using a laptop and an additional monitor) was showing the streaming audio. Later, I received an email pointing out that I'm using the second monitor for entertainment. Yes, I did and I also use it for my work. It was, to me, an accusation of me not being at work with 2 monitors but entertaining myself with the extra resources the company allow me to use. Well, I felt very bitter about this and this is not the first time I felt it but this time is the worst one until now.

I read the Prime Time with God that says this:

Check Your Armor
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-21-2008

"That is why the Israelites cannot stand against their enemies.... (Joshua 7:12).
Battle commanders want to know the vulnerabilities of their enemies. Companies want to know the vulnerabilities of their competition. We also need to know our spiritual vulnerability.

This is the message God told Joshua when he attempted to go against a small army at Ai, which was the Israelites' second battle in the Promised Land. Sometimes we try to figure out why we are not successful in an endeavor from the natural only. We look at all aspects of our performance to see what went wrong. Perhaps our strategy was flawed or our timing was off or our pricing was wrong. For the people of Israel, it was not easily seen on the surface. Everything seemed just as it should be from Joshua's vantage point, so when his army was soundly defeated, he cried out to God, "Ah, Sovereign Lord, why did You ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us?" (Josh. 7:7a).

The people had been defeated because God could not bless them. One person had violated the covenant with God. They were not to take any possessions from the first battle, but one person failed to be obedient and the whole army suffered.

Sin makes our armor vulnerable to attack from Satan, who then gains permission from God to attack us in the area where we have failed to uphold righteousness. If we break down in moral purity, Satan comes in and establishes a stronghold. If we give place to bitterness and unwillingness to forgive, we will break fellowship with God and others. If we become money-focused, we will fall into greed and deception. It is a vicious cycle.

Examine your armor today. Make sure you are not susceptible to attack. Begin from a solid spiritual foundation and your chances of success will be great.

There, the words highlighted in purple really pointed out my soul status. I am giving place to bitterness and unwillingness to forgive. That caused me to break my fellowship with God and others. The bitterness kept growing like a snow ball. It just roll and roll into bigger and bigger snow ball. My armor is weak, they could not defeat the attack.

It was not anyone else's fault but my own stronghold that keeps pulling me down into a deep dark hole.

Oh, God, could you come and spare my life?

While I was watching Madagascar yesterday night, I watch without laughter but tears. It just came rolling out of my eyes. I am not a person who can easily cry but the tears just came out of it... it was my first time, pouring tears secretly in the cinema... I can't help it. I need to release them out...

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strenght. These words just came into my heart. He who loves me never leave me nor forsake me; for we love, is because He first Loved us.

May God bless you, my readers.

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Diary #20081115

I'm feeling very bad... negative... every words from their mouth hurts. It's so hurting. Like I'm never good at anything...

During Secondary School, I play sports. Sports is the only area I was treated fairly. Although I am not the best one but I am confident in what I do.

Now if you ask me, I felt discriminated among those who are late to work...

My life has been dedicated to the job and yet I was said to be lazy, not hardworking... it bores down to may be I'm just too slow to come out with a good job. They've been saying, no need to worry about details but people like our clients actually is asking why this person has no title during the testing stage. People are so looking for details and I'm not suppose to focus too much on details.

I will try. And I will do as you said to neglect the details.

I need a break and a shoulder. I need my bed at home and I need the bolster I've long for. I need a pillow and some great nights of sleep.

I've just sold my soul to the company by working no day no night including weekends and holidays! How I wish I can just let it go....

Let it go... relax... let it go...

Diary #20081106

I do not know exactly what happen to my body system. I'm experimenting my urine to prove that I have or not diabetes symptoms like sweet urine.

I do not know the ants did lost their way or am I just worry too much. Slowly, I will have to cut down on desserts and every single sweet things. At least try not to attempt to eat them.

And my lifestyle.. working until this time, I cannot imagine how long I can survive in this situation. How I hope today's meeting in the morning is just a way out for me to loosen up my responsibility. May be if I did not suspect my health problems I would not reacted that way.

The meeting was to discuss why I did not perform as expected and did not complete my tasks on time as I've promised. I gave excuses that is not accepted. I have accepted their suggestion to change. I hope I do not disappoint others but how many expectations can I cope?

I have been suspecting my "diabetic symptoms". It happens after my weight loss, then hair fall, then low appetite and now hunger. It was all medical symptoms or was I just think too much when such things happened? Even recurring vaginal yeast infection has added on to my list of symptoms to be suspected.

I think it is time to get some real blood test. If there is only a quicker method to confirm my "symptoms", I would like to try it out. May be I can get some blood sugar tester from the pharmacy nearby my office.

So, how shall I face it? Calmly? Aggressively? Ignorantly? I do not know. Just like when I saw the ants, my mind is blank for a second or two.

So, what about my birthday tomorrow? Shall I celebrate with the news? Can I be happy with it? It is not deadly but controllable with proper medication and diets and lifestyle adjustment. So, would I be able to handle it? Do it? Make it?

Don't think too much, Michelle. You just do what ever is necessary to accept the fact and to slow down the symptoms. Everybody deserves death, it is a matter of shorter life span or longer only. But that is not the most important thing. The most important thing is what would people write on your tomb stone when you die.

So, Michelle, can you promise me to look at this positively? I love you so much, please promise me you will face it and conquer it.

Diary #20081105

Today, I was awaken by my roommate because she needed a lift to the LRT station due to sudden heavy rain.

Then, I went back home. I was tired and after my toilet trip, I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I wanted to take a bath. When I was in the bathroom, something amazing shocked me!

There were some ants who lost their way and went into the toilet bowl! I checked the toilet bowl. Ah! I forgot to flush after the toilet trip. Hmm... I think they just lost their way... will try again tomorrow to see if they lost their way or I did something to attract them there... hahaha... lost ants

Diary #20081103

This morning when I woke up, again, I felt my left hand middle finger, index finger and thumb is numb.

May be, I said may be, it is a diabetes symptom...

Diary #20081031

Stress is a very daring substance. It makes me feel uneasy the whole day...

I think I'm experiencing eating disorder... yet to call it Bulimia nervosa. And am having anxiety disorder which also yet to be called Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

I want to do my best in all areas but I can't make all things at their best. At least, I have to sacrifice one of them...

I was having 3 nights of troubled sleeping and excessively eating my dinner + supper. I woke up during sleep to go to toilet at least 2 times per night. I needed some rest... a longer rest than just a day of holiday.

I need to leave the place I'm in now and find a new living mind. My brain is getting old, it doesn't function like I know it used to be.

Diary #20081028

My colleague, Catherine, told me that my blog is not so interesting for her because I do not write down my daily life. Well, I think this is my daily life as a blogger, telling people what is interesting in life that I found online or whatever is inside my heart. But, today I'd like to write something more descriptive (sorry, if I couldn't be more descriptive) about my day.

This morning, I couldn't wake up because I watch late drama (on the TV) last night until 1am. I spent some time on my bed trying to sleep before I really do. This morning, as usual, I had to send my brother to school early (do I sound a bit reluctant? ya.. I do). So, it was 6.30am when my brother came and knock on my door. After dropping him off to school, I received a call on my way back to my place in PJ. I couldn't answer the phone because the battery is low. I quickly unpack my things from the car to get a phone charger. I called back my friend. She said she had a migraine and would like to me bring her to doctor. I told her I had to take a bath first. So, after taking bath, around 8am, I left the house.

I reach her place, pick her up and drove the Mediveron Clinic. Today is just after Deepavali Holiday and so many people is sick at the clinic. We waited for 45 mins until the nurse called out my friend's name. After examination, doctor said she is pretty fine, just her body is too heaty that causes the migraine. After the examination, we were sent out from the room to wait for the medicine. I think her company is good in the sense that her medical bills are paid for. After taking the medication, we went to my car. I was blocked by a MyVii. This is my first time, pushing the honk button in my car to alarm the car owner to remove the car. It wasn't long after my second honk, an Indian lady came out from the clinic (this is another clinic on the opposite side of the road) and reverse her car for me to go out.

We went to a nearby shop for some breakfast. After I parked my car and took my laptop with me, we walked into a shop with many smaller stalls. I put my laptop beside my leg under the table. Then we talked about food. She said she would order for me and then insisted to pay for the food as a return favor for my time to send her to clinic for check up. I said it wasn't that troublesome. When we finish eating, we left the table to another stall in front of the shop for some cakes and cookies. When we return to our car, a person came by and told me that I left my bag. Oh! I cried in my heart. I think I did shouted out as well but I couldn't remember. Thank God for that uncle who came by and tell me. I quickly ran back to the shop. But I found no bag! The chicken rice stall aunty was kind, she told it was at the counter. I went to the counter and told the aunty there I want my bag. She ask me where I was sitting. I told her I was sitting in front of the chicken rice stall and she said ok, here is your bag. Phew~ the aunty was trying to verify if I'm the owner of the bag. Thank God she did that. Although at that point of time I was so worried I couldn't get back my bag and was annoyed by her questioning me.

It was my first time, leaving something so important behind. I think it is because I didn't have enough sleep yesterday night and due to a whole day of physical activities (I helped my parents to paint our apartment that was waiting to be rented and washed my neglected 2-month didn't wash car). Tonight I think I have to rest properly. But before that, I have to finish my work of the day.

Til then, Adios amigos~