亲密关系 Intimate Relationship

哪哪哪，看到题目不要想歪。我指的是友情。

我要讲一件事，我不知道是圣灵的提醒或者是自己的敏感。

最近，我和M的私讯比较频繁，我开始有一个声音/感觉提醒我要减少/停止这种接触。

前一阵子，我和L也是比较常私底下联络，我们还因为去参加会议等等住在同一个房间，然后我就开始也有这样的感觉，就是似乎太亲密了需要隔离一下。 我反思:
为何会有这样的反应，因为我也很害怕我会产生一些不应该有的感觉而破坏了我们的友情。

是因为我不习惯亲密的关系吗？

昨天我看了Sacred Vow，里面的丈夫因为没有和妻子时常保持亲密而忘了他对妻子的爱。我是不是因为不常有亲密关系而会感到不可思议/产生对抗的想法为了避免毁灭性的结局。我不确定。

初中一的时候，确实我和一个朋友的友情变成了我对她的情感依赖。后来，又因为这种不健康的亲密而导致我们冷战了1年，变成了普通朋友。我很伤心，一方面希望可以继续建立亲密的友情但是又觉得不晓得如何可以健康地发展。

我是不是又再一次面对这样的挑战？从喜欢的感觉变成了不健康的亲密？

---
Nah, nah, nah, don't think wrongly about the topic, what I mean is intimate friendship.

I want to tell something, I do not know whether it's a prompting of the Holy Spirit or it's my own sensitivity.

Recently, I've been frequently personal messaging M and after a few days I hear a voice / feeling reminding me to reduce the frequency or stop this type of contact.

A while back, I also have a lot of personal contact with L, we even share a room because we attend the same conference. After a some time, I felt the same too, as if the relationship is too intimate and need distancing.

As I reflect:

Why would I have such a reaction? Probably is because I'm afraid it could develop into some inappropriate feelings and destroy our friendships.

Was it because I'm not used to intimate relationships?

I watched the movie Sacred Vow last night, the husband in the movie neglected the intimacy time with his wife and forgotten his love for her. So I thought, was it because I seldom have intimate relationships therefore I feel beyond comprehension or has developed a defensive thought to avoid a destructive ending? I'm not sure.

When I was studying form 1, I did have a good friend but I was emotionally dependent on her. Because of such unhealthy relationship, we ended up with 1 year of cold water, and become just friend. I feel sad about it. On one hand I hope we could continue to have this intimate friendship but on the other hand I do not know how to continue healthily.

Is this the same challenge coming back again? From the mere liking becomes unhealthy intimacy?

^^^***^^^

I pray to God, ask for His forgiveness for the broken relationship in form 1. To comfort the friend in God's own unique way. I'm happy that she is happily married and has a kid now. I hope she is not affected by the past we shared and has moved on healthily. Oh, God, help me to develop healthy intimate friendships as we all need to have close friends. May God oversees our development, let me be transparent and allow them to continue to walk together as close friends. As we all need healthy friendships to encourage us, to cheer us up, to journey together in life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

越认识越沮丧

为什么要认识自己？

越认识我越沮丧

我，就是和别人不同。但是不被接受。

My uniqueness is a curse! 

I should be like everybody else except me!

我可以

像我妈那么有优先秩序；

像我大弟那么精细分析；

像我妹那么潇洒；

像我小弟那么健美帅气；

像我爸那么爱吃零嘴；

就是不可以像我！

甚至要像基督那么博爱公义~

Who am I? But nobody because I need to be somebody.

防疫咨询--记得有困难就打电话

几乎每一天都收到新冠肺炎抗疫期间有24小时的咨询服务。是为什么？

是因为他们知道

1. 困在家里会疯掉？

2. 和家人困在一起会忧郁？

3. 不能和家人以外的人见面会活不下去？

其实可能这段期间的自杀率是最低的。

人想要生存的意志力是最强的。

感恩的心是最大的。

Struggle.Battle.Conflict.Storm

I've abandoned my blog since January 2020, immediately after I make a wish to do a weekly journal...

Malaysia has gone into such a long period of Movement Control Order (MCO) where humans are trapped in their own homes like a zoo.

Parents and children, grandparents even, kids, adults, young and old, everyone under one roof are not allowed to simply go out on their own except for the leader of the family to do groceries shopping.

It has been a great challenge to me and it's getting greater when the "lockdown" extends. I wish the "lockdown" is over because I'm beginning to feel suffocating living with others. I can't be myself because "I am just not reaching standard", I need to become the "standard" way of living, otherwise I'm rebellious!

What have I become? A rebellious, not following order, individualistic daughter, who is selfish, and not helpful.

So, now the "me" has been magnified because I couldn't swallow down the statement above. But is that true? Yes, perhaps but I cannot accept it.

If I'm so disastrous, please take away my life and buried me 6 feet under. Why still keeping me alive?

If God accepted me as who I am, why do I need to live up to His standard? What is the freedom I have to be me? Or should I not be me but someone else? I see, the answer is to be Jesus Christ, the ultimate human standard! Who am I? Why is "I" so important?

But God accepted me, "me" isn't it? Or He just accepted "me" to become like Him?


I'm battling with God because I cannot see myself clearly without "hearing" the things coming out of my mother's mouth.

"You never have joy"
"You never help"
"You are always angry"
"Cincai lar, you choose lar"

I need to be ever-loving, ever-joyful, ever-helpful, ever-energetic, ever-able, ever-calm, ever-obey, ever-abiding, ever-n, you can add on the list. But I am just never!

Then I ask God to take away my life, take away my existence, wipe me out from history, so that I never even existed on this earth. Wipe out all of me in other people's history as well. I'm not there.


没有我，地球依然转动；
有了我，地球没有变动。

Conflicting thoughts, who am I? Why is there I? I? I am not I. Me not me.


My heart is experiencing storm, identity crisis, not knowing who I am? Why I am living? Why do I even bother to life a good life? Do I even worth living?

I remembered years ago, I threw away a full bag of all my medals, my trophies, along with my self-worth. I'm worth nothing more than those medals/trophies which are now merely thrash. Moments of being the most valuable person in the field, the ability to be a key player in the team, all gone down into the bin.

Why do I throw them away if they represents me so much? Because they are worthless to my mother. They are merely dust collecting decorations!


I really wish to go if God allows. I said, I'm willing to be infected by COVID-19 and just be gone~

Who cares? Those who care, I ask God to wipe out their memory about me.

Let me sister have no sister to remember, my mother has only 1 daughter, my friends have never met me, my brothers have only 1 sister, my father remembers only 1 daughter, and everyone never ever met me. I'm but just some junk to be decluttered.

Week 2 of 2020

This year, I decided to write a weekly journal at the end of every week.

A week of blurry vision and headaches. 

A week of reflecting my diet and health.

A time to think about God's word. God's blessings in difficult times

A time to think of a new career or work or job or role.

A time to upkeep my car. Given it a good bath and a new set of wheels. Vroom Vroom~

A friend "forced" me to the park to walk after my long day of sleeping. Reviewing all my failures and encouraging me to restart with help.

I am so uncertain and feel helpless abput the future. Sometimes I can behave and self discipline, sometimes I just overdo or don't care much. How lar, in the beginning of year already have this kind of mindset haha. Start with the end in mind, I think I started with the end already hahaha.

Okay, time to be serious. So, this year, don't talk about 12 months but first 3 months is crucial for me to bring my BG and HbA1C down. I don't know how low it can go, I hope and plan to go within 7 from 13. So, I need to start OMAD, LCIF, and every possible ways to get back my life. I felt lethargic all the time with this body and it's condition. And to commit this to God as He will be my guide, I just need to walk closely with Him and listen and take heed of what He says/whispers. And execute or act on what I heard. That's enough.

Oh, by the way, I plan to copy some Bible verses during lunch time as I learn to fast (may be + pray as my friend suggested). Let's do 1 and increase by 1 everyday. Gambatte 💪

God's blessings will always be there in times of battles. I just need to be able to see / discern. As I walk, I will see His act and see how He is working and work together with Him. He will bring me through.

Week 2 done!

思想 thoughts

有时候我会有一些邪恶或者不好的思想。如果说出来，真的会很伤人。

我好累，我无法控制这些消极思想的出现，更无法抑制它们的存在。我已经被涂污了，需要很多的排毒。

可是思想怎么排毒？

弟兄们，我还有未尽的话：凡是真实的、可敬的、公义的、清洁的、可爱的、有美名的，若有什么德行，若有什么称赞，这些事你们都要思念。

腓立比书 4:8 CUNPSS-神

https://bible.com/bible/48/php.4.8.CUNPSS-神

啊~好难啊~~~

Full of energy 充满活力

最近我认识一个新朋友。一个充满活力的女生！

好久没有一大早起来就已经充满活力。每天赶上班，为了“我也不知道为什么”的理由。

今天早上和她吃早餐，真的发现自己没有她那么有精力。我的一切动作和她相比之下好像老太婆一样。真的是因为年纪的差别？还是因为我太久没锻炼了？虽然打球的时候也不是那么敏捷但不致于如今这般颓废。

啊~是时候检讨一下自己，是不是该开始锻炼锻炼了！

做什么事会让我开心？

我在哪一方面绑架了我自己？

https://youtu.be/bRtBHF-WPpM

自由是选择的权利。我真的自由了吗？

Gluttony

Have I ever written a post with such title? Can't remember.

Anyway, let me tell you how gluttony looks like with my dinner last night:

1) 8 pcs of Oden with Shabu noodle from Family Mart

2) 1 Big breakfast sandwich (with egg, ham, cheese and white bread)

3) 1 pc of matcha hanjuku cheese cake

4) 200ml of Farm Fresh Milk

5) 3 pcs KFC Cheesy Fried Chicken

6) 1 small cup of KFC coleslaw

7) 1 small cup of KFC mash potatoes with sauce

8) 1 cup of regular KFC pepsi black

9) 1L bottle of coke light with salt & ice

10) 150ml of A&W carbonated water

11) 100g of chacheer cream flavoured sunflower seeds

12) 200ml of plain water

Wow~ what a night to drenched in loneliness with food.

And then I sleep for 10 hours to digest all the food.

What a journey.

糗

今晚提早下班和友人看了场电影「Last Christmas」。女主角做了一些糗事，让我想起了当年。

那些年，我们曾经做过的糗事。

我想起我曾经很兴奋地穿起裙子👗去上班希望引起我心仪男生的注意。结果，很多人都说很好看啊，不错啊，等等非常悦耳的话。唯独那个我想引起注意的男生无动于衷🤦🏻‍♀️。

会想起这事可能是因为友人问，你觉得我这个样子会有人注意到我吗？

我其实想告诉她，注不注意到并不是你家的事，而是他家的事，因为各人眼光不同。不过不知道我哈拉了什么，希望她明白我的意思，也就不要在意别人的眼光。

糗。过往曾经...

I will cast all my cares upon You

要站起來不一定要先跌倒；但是跌倒了一定要想站起來

To stand up, one does not need to fall but after fell down, one must desire to stand up

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYKi7LuxRTs

当我跌倒的时候，我没有了想站起来的欲望，我跌坐在地上，自怜自唉。耶稣静静地站在我身旁，用父亲慈爱的眼神深情地望着我，伸出了他的手让我搀扶。

好长一段时间，天父总是在等待。等待我这个不愿意站起来的女儿。不愿意，不是没有欲望，而是害怕再一次的跌倒。

耶稣不单愿意让我拉着他的手，他还把我抱进了怀里。我把双手为着这位亲爱的颈项，轻声对他说：好吧，带我到你要我去的地方吧。不是用我的双腿，而是让他扛着我到那个我不知道的未来。

Message Therapy

And I just coined this new term "message therapy". I had a really long instant messaging time with a friend over WhatsApp and yes, she did help me through a tough day, in fact 2 tough days to be precise.

Lots of things like a thick mucus in a stuffy nose stuck in my brain causing a foggy brain, function-less. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't focus, couldn't be creative. And yet again, similar situation happened before in the past. Except this time, there's one person, who's willing to be the listening ear and attentive eyes to read my messages, respond to them and created a conversation that's light and enjoyable.

I am the eldest among my siblings and I didn't have any elder siblings to sometimes depend on. Well, she is like a big sister to me. Her experiences helped me to reflect on my own and her keep watch through prayers did comfort me a lot and also act as a reminder for me.

So, she asked, what would you do to draw yourself away from the bad habits? How can I help as a friend. Yet, I do not have an answer. Being the eldest means I have to be the example, so it's so strange to accept help from others even more from a closer one. Perhaps the new year, new term, new beginning, is also a new journey for me to begin with, to start "living" in a community, depend on the life of others to grow, and at the same time to be dependent through my life story of how God has helped me through tough times.

Out of the topic, I do realised, sometimes when I couldn't interpret sincerely, it's because I have yet to accept the truth myself. So I couldn't even utter the same words from the speaker.

Well, now that I know message therapy could work on me. Next, is for me to be ready, to help another who need such a time and attention.

May the Lord be glorified.

New~Plan~

"Be Ready" He said. "What to be ready for? And What is to be ready?" I wondered.

A new year is coming soon. It's the toughest time of the year again, with the issues in workplace, the much needed time and effort for church ministry, and the all new resolution for the new year.

All is needed is the quiet time to be with my Lord. To hear Him, to talk to Him, to come up with a new plan he has installed for me. To fix my eyes on Him, who is my redeemer and the only person I should be focusing my attention on.

In the beginning of this year 2019, He has renewed my mind to see His greatness, His holiness, and slowly His righteousness, His pureness, His beauty, and my worth. 

I am indeed His beautiful holy bride 👰, He is my groom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, let's anticipate what's installed for me eh? 😎

雨•录

雨天已经不再是想念她的日子。过去让它过去。

今天不舒服仍然上班了。和老板说了6个月的假期。还在等回复。

状态不好的我，工作都办不好。和M还有L聊了。好过一点了。

祈求上帝使我心意更新而变化，在他的同在里成长，成为合神心意的女人。

生活？生存？

很努力吃好的，运动--维持健康的身体

后来，12、13、14、15、16小时在公司... 我在想干嘛不干脆住在公司？反正有浴室，有沙发，有水就住得了。

为什么？为什么工作？为什么要完成工作？为什么不可以接受自己做不到？大家都在努力，可是就是达不到目标。拼死一搏值得吗？

什么是值得？值得什么？

每个人都只有24小时。你会如何使用？什么是值得你花精力在这时间的限制里去完成的？有什么是你愿意花所有的时间去达到的？

我谴责自己做不到，甚至觉得为什么其他人需要我每个细节都帮助？我开始产生苦毒。为什么我必须把时间精力都给你们？为什么你们自己不能独立去完成？我，这是多管闲事吗？

回忆起从前有个同学骂我：不要多管别人的事。我的强烈好奇心被北冰洋的水泼了一把。从那时起，我很努力控制我的好奇心。我自己怎么，我管得了；别人怎么了，我不管了。你要帮助吗？你自己努力吧。

我牺牲了健康来完成工作，值得吗？
为了完成工作，我开始喝咖啡因饮料，结果换来的是什么？
尽了最大的努力，我还是不能达标。我为什么坚持？

如果我有机会重来会一样吗？
也许他们也觉得我不称职。

为了坚持，我不知道哭了多少次。我很辛苦。同时中挣扎着要完成，还要帮助同事我才能完成。分派出去的工作我还是得自己去跟进。结果还是卡在我身上。

朋友说：如果有一天你倒下了，明天马上就会有接替你的人。那你为什么那么拼？那不过是一份工作而已。你为什么不照顾好自己的健康？

健康就是花时间运动，休闲，稳定心跳，交交朋友，吹吹水，逛逛街，早睡早起，读经祷告，吃吃均衡的食物，有自制能力，生活规律。结果我是几乎每一晚都在心里抱怨“又吃不到晚餐了”。别人是这样吗？我妈问。我不去电影院了，我看10分钟看电影的说电影人制作的短片精髓。我寻找晚上甚至凌晨还在营业的店铺。每晚都报到。有时候真的很累，在车上睡了一觉才继续开回家。又或者开到店那里，太累了，在车上睡到他们打烊惊醒了我才又继续回家。

我是一粒麦子吗？非得死了才有用处？

思前想后

虽然觉得这个工程真的做不下去。

可是，怎么样才能脱离？

看着老板，真的不忍心告诉他，我不行了。

可是我如果倒下去，我不会被怜惜。下一刻马上就会有替代我的人。

我是为什坚持留下来？

我真的有贡献吗？
我的付出是值得的吗？

最近一直想把老板的电话号码传给我妈，似乎担心自己真的坚持不了。

行不行

拥挤的轻快铁，承载着各种不同的人。快要窒息的我，夹在背着婴儿的妈妈和车门中间…凌晨五点半被吓醒，听到了敲门声。今天又是status update的日子。好痛苦。为什么，我思索。身体充满的完全只是瞌睡的力量…

回复了S.T的分享。觉得那才是让我稍有热忱的事情。每天的工作都没有比作家务来得更使人振奋。看来我不行了。

思

今晚的天气很好，我睡不着。喝着不应该喝的可乐，很颓废的说。

离开房间，穿上跑步鞋去附近的篮球场散步。

大概2个小时，开始累了。旁边有个Futsal足球场，有一群年轻的印度男生在练球。我陪着他们到了凌晨两点多。

篮球场的灯光明媚，我边走边看“我们与恶的距离”。思想着到底我做什么会感到快乐。我没想到，但是我知道，以前我打篮球最快乐。可惜家里不支持，中学毕业后随兴参加了大学的校园比赛还有一场雪州赛就结束了我短短几年的篮球生涯。并不灿烂但是我喜欢。不是我最耀眼最强大的运动项目，但是团体一起奋斗的感觉很棒。

突然觉得篮球场何时变得那么大，走得好累。

后来听见有人喊aunty，只见足球飞到了我面前。我给他们踢了回去。还好，有踢准。

不知道自己什么时候从小姐变成大姐，现在还变成大妈了。虽然可以毫不在乎别人的眼光、标签。可是真的听到了，真的是挺刺耳的。

再后来，我又想，5年10年后，我想成为怎么样的一个人？

...还是没有答案。

最近的工作很压抑。我自己做不来却没有足够的资源可以做好。我已经不晓得该如何是好，只能一直延期。我不知道还可以撑多久因为已经开始忧郁、崩溃了。是我吗？还是工作？

有人说，是时候换工作了。东家不打打西家。可是我觉得就是我的个性问题。每每都是自己给自己太大压力。及格就可以了，不是吗？及格是不需要努力的，我总觉得。我这种完美主义倾向者要拿最后一名还是有困难的。

不知道从什么时候开始我变成这样。我比较喜欢以前打球的自己可是那个时候也并不是我最理想的人生。什么时候开始怕输，怕成绩不好，怕工作表现不好。以前从来就不读书也不以为意；打球一般般，靠的不过是身材高大，没什么 可夸的。大学的时候吧，成绩突飞猛进。不怎么熬夜也得了不错的成绩。虽然不是第一名但也算是佼佼者。难道因此我开始害怕？

Slavery to Liberty

Although I've never been physically enslaved, I was spiritual bound by the selfish urges and desires to do nothing good for myself and others. It is practically enslaved within like a driver gone rogue on the road speeding down the street losing control of his car.

P.I.G.S

Precious
In
God's
Sight

1 Cor 3:16-17

感觉 vs 理性

我很累，但我也很拼。
我觉得自己距离完美不远，恕不知天差地般的远。我不愿意接受这个事实。好像我接受了以后，我就不再有能力的范围里面了。

我的心很痛苦。我很软弱。我不知道跟谁说，也不懂该如何是好。

怎么办？我在牛角尖里打转，看不见出路。

很可怜。

倘若我愿意得医治，我还是得再一次揭开伤疤，再一次痛，然后才能完全愈合复原。我愿意吗？我承受得起吗？

＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋

我并不完美，也并不特别
但祢却是为我舍弃生命的主

我时常软弱，有时会迷惑
但祢是道路真理和生命

～勇敢走出去，赞美之泉

**************************

能吗？从新、从心开始？

受伤

我像一只受伤的狗，卷曲着身子躲在角落里，深怕那么一点的刺激。
好痛，那被揭开的伤疤。全身红肿、不堪一击。

可是还有许多那些我需要一一拿出来处理掉的伤害。要痛就一次过痛个够。这么多年来的委屈求全终于要破蛹而出飞向那自由的天空，释放一切的苦毒。

真正的爱不应该让人受伤害。也不该让人感到被侵犯。

我觉得自己被妈妈和妹妹的不了解侵犯了很多年。以前离开10年，并没有让一切缓延，只是在回来以后更加重了我的苦毒。妈妈对我永无止境的期待，妹妹对我毫无界线的侵占。我要把它们卸下，放自己一条生路。

用祷告把一切交托给神。重新信靠祂。

＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋

我弃绝我对(某人) 的(憎恨/生气 etc)
因为他(列出其行为), 我感到(受伤，委屈 etc)。
主，我饶恕/原谅并祝福 (某人)。

主，我今天选择将这些(愤怒，罪，恐惧，etc)交给你。

[现在你把这些思想放在一个盒子/袋子里，交给主]. 等候主启示的画面/话语 etc

奉耶稣基督的名，我砍断和(某人) 所有不合神心意的连接/魂结, 收回我对(某人) 因为仇恨而给予的权柄。

***

你可以继续祷告
求主指引,当你将要面对(某人) ，你如何回应(某人).

＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋

勇敢一點 · 放下过去 · 珍惜自己

不知道自己是否写过任何以这个题目为题的篇章。但是，就像我常说的：“历史只不过是循环式的在重复” 只是角色的扮演换了人而已。

勇敢一点。要把一些记忆抹去需要的不只是决定，也需要很多很多的勇气。单单用新的记忆来掩盖过去的记忆，已经不足够让我走下去。勇敢，是要把过去放下。勇敢，才能珍惜自己。

过去的记忆力，有很多自己的成就、自己觉得光荣的时刻，却也纠缠着不被珍惜、没人关注、毫不起眼的感受。不久以前，我把一些纪念品放进了垃圾桶里，我以为这样的动作可以把那些纠结一起丢掉，但是原来它们依旧存在，依然狠狠地嘲笑着我。

前几天，拖着不想出门的我去参加了好友C邀约的新书推荐分享会，会后和C一起吃饭彼此倾诉，想起了当年她给我寄来的照片——世界还有一些美好的地方，生命是值得活下去的。最近的我觉得死亡如果可以结束我心里的纠结我也许会去尝试。但是C的正向，使我开始看开了一点点。至少我可以开始把事情记录下来，开始整理我的情绪。

我——活着是为了什么？有什么意义？难道就是为了得到别人的肯定？难道是为了得到别人的认同？难道是为了服务别人？难道是为了让别人欺负？难道是为了给别人利用？我可以想出很多很多的例子是我不甘心、不服气的。为什么我是如此如此的被对待？难道我就是应该的？就是被别人侵犯的？我到底是谁？我是什么？

虽然，以上的所有问题我完全没有答案。我知道，我身边的家人朋友们都觉得我可以问上帝。但是我没有。因为我觉得上帝和他们一样。我甚至已经钻牛角尖到一个地步，觉得上帝给我爱是因为我必须要回报他——做他喜欢的事情——就算我多么不喜欢都要做。

事到如今，我仍然没有头绪。我知道自己的情况但是没有解决方案。听到了这首歌《勇敢一点》，似乎告诉我只要我把过去都抹去，重新来过，就当一切都没有发生过，所有的人我都没有认识过。新的开始。新的开始。新的你、新的我。

勇敢一點 · 放下过去 · 珍惜自己

其实珍惜自己是为了什么？为了满足别人的快乐吗？

少了我，
世界还是一样会转动
河流还是继续延续生命
生活还是继续过

谁在乎少了我？

从小就一直想这个问题。从经历第一个友情破裂开始，我就在想——如果有一天我生病住院了，她会来看我吗？如果后来我死掉了，她会来我的丧礼吗？她在乎吗？我重要吗？

20年后我仍然问着这个问题：我重要吗？有人在乎吗？

也许是因为我不在乎吧。
如果你离开了，我偶尔会想你，但是不会一直想到你，因为我还是要过活的。
如果你离开了，过了一些日子，我会忘记你的样子。
如果你离开了，很久以后，你只是偶尔被提起的话题。
如果你离开了，你不会在我新的记忆里出现，很久以后就没有记忆了。
如果你离开了，我不会花时间和你出去、交流、沟通。
如果你离开了，我不会在乎了。

所以当我离开了，你也不需要想我，不需要在乎我，不需要浪费时间在我的身上。悄悄的我走了，不带走一片云彩。

Am I then suppose to work towards my death? So that it doesn't bother anyone.
Am I then suppose to work towards my death? So that it will make it easier for everyone.
Am I then suppose to work towards my death? So that it is so silent, no one needs to feel anything.
Am I then suppose to work towards my death? So that it will not leave a mark anywhere.

我要如何才能把我从你的记忆里抹去？

矛盾吗？既然我不重要，就不会存在你的记忆力。我的离开也不会造成你的任何困扰。

...

压力——免疫力

昨天开始脸上开始起疹子。满脸都是。同事关心地问了一句，我不假思索地说，“压力”。

全都因为上个星期三开始去另一个客户P那里工作，本来该1天完成的，却因为一些设定错误导致我用了3天才完成。结果拖累了原来的客户D的工作。老板问我，怎么会这样？我说D时常改变要求而且新来的同事都不太能够帮到忙。我就不小心答应了今天会完成。

结果我的周末都在工作。。。

一来到公司，大家好像很忙似的，我又开始心理不平衡地觉得他们有什么好忙的？他们的工作我都用周末帮他们完成了！

平常我可以容许他们轻松一点不过为什么他们没有办法完成工作减轻我的负担？我一直想、一直想。

今天早上我又开始有一些异样了。开始暴食然后觉得想抠喉，我知道情况开始有点严重了。再加上一些人际关系上的困扰，我开始没法控制我自己了。。。错过了测血糖的时间，忘记吃药。。。

妈妈早上为我好，给我放了5分钟祷告的影片。可是一个礼拜的压力5分钟好像不怎么有效。但是至少我的早餐有吃饱。

怎么办？压力影响了我的饮食习惯，影响了我的免疫力。。。

怎么减压啊？可以对谁发泄一下？还是因为太久没运动？

情绪失控、崩溃

今天，就是今天。她提起了日本旅行的费用。我好挣扎。夹杂在两个好友之间。

挣扎什么？因为他们为了钱的事吵架了。她阔绰慷慨、他拮据计较。我只好说，我付吧，只要大家开心就好。我还精神上想说，他所有的费用我都全包了，送给他，当做是我们仨一起旅行的最后一次纪念。但愿我好歹也会在他和她的记忆力留下一个痕迹。

日本回来后其实还没有时间处理自己的情绪，导致最近频频的不幸际遇被加温。昨天的车祸，今早午夜弟弟车子着火，公司工作忙不完，身体血糖异常，等等。

我想找人聊一下，可是总觉得大家都忙吧。所以来写一写。记录一下，希望借此整理一下自己的情绪。基本上就像我的书桌一样乱，完全摆放不了任何东西了。。。

朋友·家人
一群让我欢喜让我忧的人。

好一点了。回去工作了。没人看的日记，记录着想要自信一点的大女孩的心情。

Importance.Significance

I'm nor significant nor important. My story is just bogging people down. Everybody has a story, what's mine to tell?

What's the end game of life? I'd rather the doctor tells me you only have 1 month to live. That's when the life can start to have the end game. To live life as if it's going to end. To have NO accumulation of anything, to have NO story that will be boring to tell, to have NO one to please, to have

最近……

1. 开心吗？有人问我。
2. 为什么为了公司开会而推迟我的复诊日期到4个月后？我自问。
3. 生病了为什么不多休息？
4. 为什么会生病？
5. 在往后的5年我希望自己的生活会是怎样的？

最近别人和自己都问了这许多的问题。

1. 做不到为什么硬撑？
2. 是不是我应该做的？还是我多走了一里路？
3. 我的老板是谁？是请我工作的还是给我公司工程的客户？

到底我开心不开心？是我的心态还是

郁闷

如果郁闷可以当食物，我应该撑死了。

郁闷

释义：

是一种情感层面表现状况。

它是特别憋屈的感觉，特别闹心， 但又感到无可奈何不知如何是好，还没办法发泄的内心感受， 特别茫然纠结的一种状态。

好贴切的形容词。

我的心里的压力锅又泛滥了。

渲泄不出来的是一种我明白你不能，那我来咯；可是我也该有自己的生活。为什么我要为了那些＂不关我的事＂而烦心？别人的工作应该他们自己负责，我又为何过分在乎？是的，他住很远，父亲身体不好；而他有孩子，放工还得照顾孩子；我，家人安康，家离办公室又近，所以我就应该。但是我不想。

啊～～～～～～～

写了一堆还是没有舒缓的感觉。。。迫切

情绪激动的一天

没想到，几个月前我自己已经在部落格中发表了这篇私の日記: 异象 vs 放肆，到今天这地方还是一样。



我不知道我很用力的帮助公司挽回面子，帮别人擦屁股，搞到自己压力大、便秘，是为了什么。我真的不知道自己干嘛这么努力。而那个该负责的人却不了了之。



他是因为压力大而不能把工作做好，还是公司没有一个很好的系统帮助他，还是他自己的工作系统出了问题，还是……？我不明白。也许完美在他的字典里缺席了。



我不是要诉苦，可是我苦不堪言。我身不由己。我啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~~~~~~~



还要想办法控制自己的情绪，身体疲累，工作还是做不完…… T_T

Four (Dysfunctional) Things We Do to Avoid Disapproval (from Psychology Today)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/four-dysfunctional-things-we-do-avoid-disapproval

异象 vs 放肆

在圣经中，“异象”通畅是指上帝用“神异之象”来启示祂的心意，而现在我们通常用“异象”（vision，或称愿景）这个词指着上帝感动我们所要达成的终极目的。“异象”也是表达一个组织存在的理由。 夏忠坚牧师在《我们起来建造吧》一书总分享：圣经说“没有异象，民就放肆。”若要建造一间礼拜堂，只把营建工人召来，却没有设计图，工人就无从建造。建造教会也是如此，异象正式建造教会的天上蓝图。 如果没有明确的异象，同工信徒就会依照自己的负担，各有各的方向与事工，而教会发展就因此受阻，而如果有明确的异象，同工和信徒就有献身的所在；就能同心协力建造教会，就能集中人力资源在与异象相关的建造上；就能设立明确的目标；就能有明确的评估标准。 上帝给每个教会的托付都不太一样，有如“城市社区型教会”、“合一宣教 城市植堂”等。基督时报就教会异象话题采访了数位城市教会牧者，邀请他们分享异象对于教会的意义，各自教会异象的丰富内涵，以及上帝借着异象对教会的带领。希望通过对异象话题的分享，帮助教会认识异象的重要性以及建立异象的原则，在神的心意中建立教会。

摘自http://www.christiantimes.cn/topic/108/show

很贴切的表达了我的挣扎。在一个没有明确异象的工作中，大家各自走各自的路。。。

Reflection : Safety Stop

Resemblance diving safety stop

一直不断重复的情况

我的工作又再一次陷入了与我的性格不和谐的情况。如果我要做好，我要花很大的力气。

就像从前我的成绩是全班第30名但是想像第1名的同学的成绩一样，结果弄巧反拙；超越自己的努力了两天就累垮了。我依稀还记得那种精神上的压力和痛苦，我告诉自己这样子不行，我不是铁不可以当铁烧。

后来，读到孟子的一段话：
“故天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。” 《孟子·告子下》

虽然我不是什么文学才女，但是这短短的一句还是学了起来。其中讲到一个人要身负重任之前必须经过种种的磨练。我在想，我所经历的是一种磨练吗？可是真的需要这般的痛苦以致于我觉得如此的人生是没有希望的吗？还是因为我没有学会怎么处理这样的情况所以才会一直为此困扰？

1年半前接下了一份新工作。因为是新的东西，很有兴趣学习。但是在学习的过程中又不会耗损自己。3个月前，这份工作有了改变，工作的伙伴不同了，工作的内容更是有巨大的不同。原以为这个改变是自己可以应付得来的，可是3个月后的今天，我感觉好像当初拼成绩的时候一般耗损了自己。不管是在时间的付出或者是在精神上的压力都比3个月以前来得多好多倍。

我的健康开始倒退，我花了6个月的努力建立的健康习惯变成了泡影。我时常饮用含咖啡因的饮料让自己可以继续。也许其他同事也很压力但是他们是已经身在其中，而我是新加入的。我在这个月底想完成的目标看来是遥不可及了。

我在想，是我的问题吗？是我的问题吗？是公司的问题吗？是老板的问题吗？是同事的问题吗？是工作项目的问题吗？是客户的问题吗？还是我的问题？

终究，我还是自问，是我的问题吗？为什么这个情况一直不断在我的生命中出现？重复性的出现？

Kaya Puff @ Madeleine Patisserie Studio in E@T Digi D'House

Kaya Puff, a type of puff with coconut paste filling!

Surprisingly, today the cafe roll out this new pastry and I bought it with the idea that it will taste overly sweet but it turns out just nice! The danish dough just tasted wonderfully with a lot of the "kaya" paste that is not too sweet. It just brightens up my day! This is not your traditional kaya kok, which is made thin sliced for the crunchiness but this has a little bit of western twist to make it pie like with thick filling!

The cashier from Sri Lanka also shared that 'kaya' means rich! Yes! It never registered in my mind that kaya puff is rich puff! And I learned something new just by buying food from the same cafe. It shows that routine can also bring creativity or new things.

And I also learned that Melacca the English spelling of Melaka is going to be removed and replaced with Melaka, which to me it is fine as Melaka has the flavour of Malaysia compare to the more English liked version 'Melacca'.

Well, food and travel. Isn't that the greatest way to relax oneself!

*Muaks*

Self Doubt

Hmm.... is self-doubt somewhat like inferior?

What does inferior feel like?

I just learnt recently that I have difficulty expressing myself and another discovery is that I don't have a strong heart.

Ah, well, is that low self-esteem, self-doubt or inferior?

hmm....

Addiction--a need to get going.

Are you addicted to something?

May be it's love?

May be it's money?

May be it's sugar?

May be it's attention?

May be it's approval from someone?

Everyone might have a little addiction somewhere in their life.

I, am addicted to endorphins (aka 'Feel-Good' chemicals).

Just like a sugar rush, when it is low, a person couldn't function with high spirit for example a melancholy.

It can be obtained via good source or not so good ones.

A good source like exercise, gathering with good friends, laughing, smiling, etc.

A not so good source like alcohol, caffeine, carbonated sugary drinks, just 'good old' plain sugar, etc.

Well, sometimes, that part of the brain might be so depleted, a mixture of both good and not so good sources are used to obtained the feelings of pleasure.

But who, doesn't want to feel good? Who prefers stress, sadness, angry, over happy?

Well, that's why I have an addiction -- a need to get going. The need of endorphins.

The Story of "The Broken Pot"

The Broken Pot
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws.

Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness your strength is made perfect.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

"I don't know what you saw in me, to give your life for me."

When I feel unworthy, I remember Jesus Christ gave His life for me to make me whole and precious. I may not feel it at the moment but I know it.

生之救主

生之救主，爱我的灵魂；
竭尽所能为我牺牲。

爱我的君王，和平的君王；
十字架上仍赐盼望。

在您里面有活水涌流，
使我饥渴的灵得饱足。

生命的源头，生命的尽头，
都在你手中、掌控中。

一切都成空，应许不落空，
三日复活，后升天空。

您去预备那美好的地方，
您必再来接我回天家；
永永远远在您的家。

Nutritional Therapy Day 4

Day 2 and 3 was quite bad ... My body seems to have too much reaction towards the supplements and dizziness strikes.

Today, I was off 1 of the supplements for thyroid and it seems like the symptoms has reduced.

However I had some hypoglycemic events over the past 3 days because the gap between lunch and dinner is too wide. Some junks and sweet stuff were consumed to compensate for those moments.

Lack of fiber as well might have contributed to the feeling of unsatisfied.

Another noticeable thing is diarrhea. The poop is actually not a lot but it happened frequently and the stool looks like mud.

Well, there you go, the perseverance is required to continue to push on! Push.Until.Something.Happen!

Nutritional Therapy Day 1

Decided to embark on a nutritional therapy to achieve my 2017 resolution.

Restarting my diet and fitness regime. Hopefully this time with a little more patience, persistence, and perseverance.

There could be hypoglycemic episodes when my body is adjusting. This is one crucial process to endure through. Previously, this is where I will give up and consume not healthy variety.

Patience is needed to not expect miracles in the first 2-3 weeks. At least 4-5 weeks to see some results.

Discipline is the only way this will work. Need to control what time I put what into my mouth. Need to monitor my blood glucose consistently, need a way to track the trend.

May God be with me as I commit myself to achieve physical fitness. Eventually, I'll have more to give than needs to be fulfilled.

Day 1:
Fasting BG 12.2
Breakfast : 15ml coconut oil
Lunch : Chicken Chop with salad
Dinner : veggies soup
Pre-workout BG 5.2
Post-workout BG 7.6
Before sleep BG 6.9

Had iced Americano 500ml throughout the whole day. Feeling jittery pre workout, weak during workout but normal after workout.

Feeling hungry before sleep and jittery despite high BG. Yellowish urine. Had the last 50ml of coffee before dinner though.

Day 1 success! Moving on to day 2~

Transformation 101

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1‭-‬2 MSG http://bible.com/97/rom.12.1-2.MSG

私人空间

我好不喜欢别人侵犯我的私人空间。就像是触碰/使用我的东西。尤其是习惯性地进入我的空间。拜托，难道我必须画线在地上才能阻止别人入侵吗？

我暗示了还不明白。明示的说了还是不懂。我发脾气了。虽然，我的东西摆在那里不常用，但是，那是我的空间里的东西，不是你随意可以使用的。

那是我的——私人空间！

幼稚

以前听人家说：＂你们长大以后回想就会发现现在的自己很幼稚。＂

这句话我要用来提醒我自己。

我赌气，因为我很失望。我觉得应该可以更好的却没有如期发生。是我的问题吗？还是对方的问题？结果我在心里默默地对自己说：＂我不要跟他好了。＂好幼稚的想法，不是吗？

后来我想起了小时候大人说的话，我恍然大悟。虽然心里还是闷闷地，可是却也无奈。因为对方也是被逼的走投无路才会酿成如此的悲剧发生。我不应该生气，可是我很无助、无奈。

离开前曾经应许可以帮忙的……离开之后的回应却让我无可奈何，默默忍受着慌乱。也许是我成长的机会，我自我安慰的说。

也许朋友就只能到此为止？我们问了自己好多次。值得吗？值得吗？我知道他尽力了，但是我的需要并没有被照顾到……我如今上岸了吗？还没有。仍然在漂浮中。是浮是沉他也无瑕问津。

算了吧，我很希望自己能够忘记这一段日子，可是我咽不下那口气。我说有时候记性太好只是一种咒诅，因为该放下的放不下。

好幼稚的我，又开始写部落格的我。

A new covenant

I made a new covenant in front of a pastor couple, God, Jesus, the heavenly hosts, and devil and its followers.

I should do my best to keep it.

Guardian Angel

A game that has been played since 20 years ago until now...

Fate makes me the person who picked her own name...

I'm my own guardian angel eh, so nice, I surely knows what I want and I surely knows what I like, what I need. No fuss.

Ain't that perfect pick haha!

心·灵·体

心——很纠结、很痛
灵——很郁闷、很不知所措

原来了解真的会让两个人分开得更远，除非两人共同决定了要一起生活。

唯有通过教会诗歌使心灵感到一丝安慰。

有些人、有些事，忍着痛也必须放下。毫不犹豫地，放下！

但是这过程不是一天一夜可以做到的。需要时间的配合，让心灵得到重生，使人真正获得自由！

体——不自在

当身体产生变化的时候，就不是平时它习惯的操作，也就会不自在。这都是必经之路。脱胎换骨是漫长、痛苦的过程，但是新的开始将会在痛苦过去以后被快乐迎接。

旅行，让心、灵、体得到了休息，但同时也得到了新的领悟。人总是不断学习，关于自己、别人、和人相处的种种关系。有时候，磨合之中产生了火花；又或者需要磨去棱角；又或者很适合，都是一个学习的过程。当中，有的人成长，有的人停滞，有的人挣扎。

当我们看清楚了我们的关系，也就看见了彼此如何相处的契机。要不然，大家都很痛苦的在一起，压抑着心灵体的成熟。

#大阪旅行后感

没有烟抽的日子

觉得这个题目好！
虽然只是尝过几口，却不禁想说，到底抽烟是解闷？解愁？还是精神？

根据一些科学研究，似乎抽烟可以暂时舒缓神经。听一个朋友戒烟后说，其实抽烟的人只是在做深呼吸让自己精神而已。就算不抽烟也可以精神。

＃没有烟抽的日子

完全放下

完全放下原来是一种解脱。一种释放。一种对自己的宽容。
但是实际上是不容易的。并不是口头上说我放下了，或者在心里重复催眠自己放下就能够做到的。

先说吧，看完《我的少女时代》让我彻底把过去放下了。同时我也发现在职的工作进入尾声时，我不知道自己在干嘛。快要离职了，我没有任何方向。

跟人家说有用吗？最后我还是得自己决定，自己行动。后来我决定在这里写。

寂寞侵蚀了大部分的空间，占据了大部分的时间。我才发现原来失去了工作（不再是工作狂）会那么不知所措。

想跟别人倾吐却不想有这两种结局，别人说太多，顶不顺；别人什么都不说，好像我吵到别人了。

写在这里，大概没有人看。但我总觉得我好像已经说出来了……

咽一口气，爽。

放下吧。完全放下了才能够从那里爬起来再往前走。

是上帝吗？冥冥中祂早已预备吧。

没有生活的勇气比工作狂的生活来得更加可怕。有些人说，你的生活那么美好，为什么想不开？美好不是从你的角度看，而是从我的窗口望出去。

半途而废吗？从小就是这么一般。喜欢上聪明的人，他们却喜欢更聪明的人。

独立吗？我也不想这样。从小也就养成了这样的个性。

容易受骗吗？还以为捡到小便宜却吃了大亏。

懒惰吗？只是没办法接受失败而没有勇气去追求。

爱吗？连暗恋都要强迫自己放下，连我自己都觉得好笑了。

我给自己的一句话：“I don't need to be fixed, I just need to be connected”

放下吧，完全的放下我自己。

时间不是成长的证明

一晃时间就已经前进了8个月。我，和我的心智，却没有因时间的进行而有任何的前进。回顾这几个月，反而觉得自己想用坚强的外表来掩饰自己的软弱。缩在龟壳里，觉得很安全。每回探头往外看，看到别人的完美，开始介意自己的不完美。

 没有办法成为那完美的形象；自暴自弃。

也许我渴慕已久的，是一直延迟的休息 。休息是一段不需要发挥任何专业（完美形象）的时间；一个真实面对自己的空间。

时间不是成长的证明，因为时间从来没有背负任何的使命。它只是默默地为我们记录了当时的空间；时间是一个空间的纪录。

 我需要一个空间（一段时间）来接受自己，面对我这个人，接纳我的不完美。也许是一个月，也许是两个月，也许更久，我不知道。给我一点时间，让我休息，面对自己。

爱

一年多了…没想到一晃就过去了。

当初那种纯纯的爱还存在吗？

有一些人在生命中曾经出现，依然关心，却不再亲密。

有一些人依然保持联系却不再关心。

还有一些曾经是过客，如今已是萍水之交。

爱，在当中都曾经出现过。

对于心里已经知道的事情，有时候还是会隐隐作痛；但知道，唯有如此是唯一的出口。继续沉迷其中只会无法自拔，终究依然是心痛收场。

伤心在爱里面扮演一个很重要的角色。一个衡量的尺度。无论多么相爱总是会经过风雨和伤心。

你爱我吗？我可以这样问你吗？其实心里有数，所以还是免得更伤心。

如果可以保持当年那份纯纯的爱，也许伤心就不会流泪了。

有时候自私是不够自信；有时候是没有信心。

爱。若不是因为爱着你。。。

到底爱是太复杂了…

简单爱却无法简单过。因为我们都不简单！

好好爱吧，你和你爱的人。

Sense

当我又重新和自己的情绪连上时，我开始觉得不知所措。

当我的敏锐力让我察觉到四周围的变化，我感到无助。

知道却没有办法改变的事，始终要学会接受。所以为了减少伤害，我轻易选择逃避。

我很喜欢的人，我宁愿保持现状。改变所带来可能的摧残让我却步。

感受到某人即将离开却舍不得。毕竟是因为某人的劝说和协助让我开始适应了现状。

朋友之间亲密的界限让我摸不着头脑。只好慢慢来，学习自己的限度。

忙碌也许让我逃避责任--对自己当负的责任。

很多要做的事，我却不懂重点/中心点在哪里，结果像忙头苍蝇乱闯，让自己很累。

朋友要结婚了，祝福她幸福。

对于别人的能干，相较之下我更没办法接受。去挑战让自己变更好，我无力。就像一个失败者，看到别人已经向前冲了，就会自动弃权。心里说，他那么好，你选他吧，我一点不起眼儿。

找不到自己。。。痛苦
别人的期待。。。负担
对自己负责。。。逃避

下半辈子。。。该如何。。。

Happiness

What does it mean?

2013

2013年已经过了2个月，今年的展望进行得如何啦？

2013 年

不知不觉在这家新公司已经1年半了。

我成就了什么？
我还要改变什么？

很累啦，我已经一而再再而三的觉得，人生不过就是现在过去，好过继续迷茫30年。

昨晚，我说出了心里话，“如果明天死去还好， 只怕明天不死，30年的植物人更是生不如死！”

如果没有明天，我今天依然如此。是我没有任何挂念还是我坦然了。

今年我计划腾出时间所以放下了许多包袱。可是，昨晚被问了，
“那，你计划要干吗？”
“不知道，总之先有时间才能去计划罢。”

今年，2013年，我，如何？如何？

3 months

不知不觉过了3个月。
我说我是不是后知后觉才写了上面那句话？

如果可以，我想要暂时离开一切。关心我的人让我感到无限压力，因为我总是想着怎么满足别人的关心。搞到自己很累，别人也很累。

我……到底想要什么？
我……看到自己的结局了吗？
我……希望在未来的一天里达到什么？
我……我……

唉，我既不为别人而活也不知如何为自己活。
早该在10年前就开始想怎么样爱自己就不会这么漫无目的的了。。。

我很不错嘛？怎么我总觉得不够好？怎么做都不够好，还是放弃了。

前途茫茫
我……我……

怎么还是没有一点进步的说？

New

New job. New room. New life?

When things change, I am still unchanged...

If you hope for a different result with the same action, you're just merely insane... please count me in at this moment...

I wanted to change but change just does not come easily.

I put in extra effort and then I started to feel tired, slowly exhausted, and in the end I might give up...

Can I pull through this new challenge to gain back my life?

Bacn

"email you want but not right now."
"better than spam, but not as good as a personal email"

Last working day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd

Today is my last day with MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd after a period of 3 years and 11 months.

My coach told me this:
3 good points to bring with me:

1. Contribution - I have contributed my part towards the success of the company's new product suite. 
2. Pride - MyBiz is able to compete with international IT giants and still win the competition!
3. Respect - Even though the clients are fussy at first, they respect MyBiz for the effort to make the project success!

Some points to be noted:

1. Ignorance of weakness - I try to use my strength to survive the competitive IT world and pretend that I do not have weaknesses and refuse to grow.
2. Do not satisfy with mediocre - make sure I don't fall into the vicious cycle that after a blink of an eye I realised it's 10 years passed and yet I did not achieve anything in life.

I have taken note of the points that my coach and CEO gave before I left the company.

Yes, indeed, I need to see myself growing but I am not able to make it without leaving the company.

I thank MyBiz Solutions Sdn Bhd for giving me the opportunity to grow and taught me great lessons that have benefited me for my future career and life.

So long, Sayonara.

Hand over report vs Manual

I cannot find any prove to indicate that the hand over document has any difference from a manual.

How can a hand over report be completed in three days?!

I should've started the report since the day I tender my resignation and make it clear that no other jobs shall be given during that period of time in order for me to complete my hand over report.

Yet, this is another lesson to learn: Start your handover report from the first day of your work. This is not to ensure that you change job in the near future but it is to ensure that this report will help you and your successor to work more effectively. It is also a good way to organise a job in a structured way. By writing it down in details can also let others to review and improve each process to make the work better.

All the best with hand overs!

Looking Back 2006

Recently I quit my job. In order to properly handover my current job, I went back to look for the document I did when I was a trainee in year 2006. I just cannot believe that I did such a great job back then. No wonder the company is willing to hire me when I came back after I graduate from uni in 2007.

Looking at myself now, I am not doing well. In fact, I am worse than then. What happened between 2006-2010? I seriously need to take a look back then to find out what went wrong to avoid getting into the vicious cycle again.

Some people told me I am still doing well but I myself know that I am not and I created more worries than ever to move on/forward. I used to be a person with the leadership charisma but now, I'm just a timid follower... That much of a difference I cannot believe it!

I want to be back to the confident me again...

Coincidence!!!!!

I thought I haven't been posting for quite some time but it's actually 2 weeks only.

Well, today I had this most "coincident" encounter! First, in the morning the system that is going UAT has all users turned Inactive due to a batch program! **Sweat~

Then, in the evening, is where the weird comes, we went to the first place -- Paramount Loh Pan Mee, closed! Fine, we thought it was just one, so we move on to the next one, Nasi Lemak, it was relocated to the back lane + no parking, we moved on to Kampung Baru Sungai Buloh Dim Sum and closed!! Then the nearest good food is Manjalara Yong Tau Fu, we went there, closed!!! Oh! Then nearby has a Wan Tan Mee stall, we went off the car, CLOSED!!!! Walau! My friend commented, better go buy Toto sure win! No such coincident in life until 4 different places is closed on the same night!

What a Tuesday~

Migraine -> Meditation

Last week, I had a migraine attack again. I went to see doctor. He didn't ask whether I was sick when I step into the room. Instead, he kept talking to me. First, he asked, are you a diabetic. Yes, I am. What are the medications you are on? And I told him the name of my medicine. That started him off. He said, you know, doctors cannot help you. I was in a shocked. What?! He continued, they can only drug you and eventually cause kidney failure on you. I was drugged! I am a drug addict now... Oh no, how did I move into this situation?!

Then he said, the only thing that can help you is meditation. Huh?! I am so confused. Why is he telling me about meditation? I didn't ask what kinda meditation is that because to me, meditation is to think about God and His word everyday. God is amazing. When nothing works, he is creative in all ways. He used this doctor to talk to me. I can only think of Him when the doctor is yada yada - ing.

Finally, after around 5 minutes of lecturing, he asked, so what's wrong with you today? My sweat almost come out! Thank God, the migraine wasn't that terrible. If I had serious migraine, I wouldn't have been vomiting at his desk. After diagnosis and prescribing, he went on again, we doctors also cannot help you with the migraine. There is no cure to it. It is only through meditation and some of my patients who tried and was cured. You think about it (meditation) and see me if you would really like to do the meditation.

I left and I got His message for me.

The Lord said, ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ in Jeremiah 33:3. This is like when you meet a friend on the street, and you are not able to talk for a long time but would really like to meet up again, you would say 'call me to meet up ya.' This time, He cannot keep quite. He knew I wouldn't do anything to help myself and He used this doctor to ask me to call to Him when I need help!

Isn't this amazing and wonderful!

I have no voice now and I really cannot call anyone to talk to but surely, God need not the physical phone. I can reach Him with my heart! He is the only one I can talk to now!

度假

度假最开心的是可以什么都不做，因为住旅店都有人打理而且如果你有钱，还可以饭来张口的说！

可是，一结束就似乎从梦境中回到现实。一种无形的失落感充满全身。

有人说人生如梦，梦如人生。如果人生真的如梦，为什么没有梦境中的悠哉游哉？