Growing Old (feat. Back to Past)

The life where it begins...

Nearly 40 years ago, the little town I grew up is really a little town. Today, the town no longer little, my room has grown 3 to 4 times bigger.

From a tight knitted family because everyone stayed in a small space of 2 bedrooms for 6 people until 1 bedroom each with toilet attached but the heart grew further apart.

A small house where everyone has a part to play becomes a big house where phone calls are needed to tell that dinner is ready.

She wanted a big house. Her dream house with garden to be mended by him but he is too forgetful by the time.

She wanted all her children to get married but never thought that her children will leave the nest.

She worried for everyone but only through strong words saying none are good enough.

Growing old is scary. Scarier and dying young. Her mom just lying on the bed talking to herself loudly. While she busy taking care of food etc. He getting dementia, forgetting even if he had eaten his previous meal. 

Seeing how life gets old seems scary. Becoming forgetful, lonely, and disabled. How would I want to become?

I used to think the past seems so beautiful. That time I was innocent, naive, feels good and loved. As I grow older, I discover the ugly side of being adults, the difficulty of fighting diseases, the terrible part of hopelessness, and the worse wait for the end of life.

Well, growing old. How to avoid it?

It is inevitable that everyone grows old. But some escaped dying young. Are they better not growing old?

Old without money, without shelter, cannot walk, cannot self care, no one else around, better die early and not growing old.

Why shall I grow old? Shall I ask God to take me away when I reach 60? By then my friends are few, my life lonely, might have to check-in to old folks home or shall I just buy a house and die inside? Muahahaha... Why growing old feels so terrible 😔

Voice Mailbox Message

This voice message is so true:

"You have reached <my name>. I must be busy, asleep, or avoiding you. Please leave a message"

Refer to the first 2 minutes in  Silent Witness S18E09 Part 1

Sick ~ Taken care

I've been ill quite frequently. Both physically and emotionally. I have a wonderful and amazing housemate who takes care of me by cooking meals for me and pray with and for me. 

She fell sick today. I am concerned but I don't know what to do and how to help her. I tried to give her some suggestions, cook something, pack some of her favourite food. I tried to be a good housemate. But...

Am I good enough? -- I'm so insecure. I feel that one day I will be unfriended because I'm not living up to her standard. 

-- This is a serious matter. The insecurity is burning me inside. 

My distorted view of the whole situation... Am I sick? 

Being taken care of is a pretty addictive feeling. Remain sick then, am I? 

My brain is sick. Unable to think correctly.

A memory

After exactly 15 years, it's still complicated to remember the details. Affecting me, avoiding the feelings that got stirred up. 

Time to declutter this part of the memory. A memory that should be gone together with some of my physical stuff that was moved from my parents house to mine but not really unpacked and settled with.

2 weeks after CNY, my stuff is still stuck in that room (RM 500 to rent out), I need to really really make an effort to go through those stuff despite the emotional roller coaster to do this but long overdue task to release the room for rent. Owe my housemate big time for such a convenience that she gave me. 3 months already and I'm still occupying 2 rooms!

They have to go. All the stuff just need to be decided and put into their right places. Once done, I believe I'll release myself from the bondage of the memory. Let go and let go. Let go of the memory and let go of myself.

Remember doesn't mean I have to be impacted but unless they can be a lesson to me, no point to even remember them, right?

The heart is the problem. It remembers the emotions and could trigger fear and negative thoughts that creates a mental bondage. My heart needs to be decluttered of that piece of memory to be released from the mental bondage, to be free to feel. Yes, freedom I need. The Bible says, the truth will set you free. I need to revisit the memory with Christ's help. To transform them from bondage to freedom. 

mistake

Today, I made a mistake. One that should've never been made. Trust is broken, lesson is learnt. No one blamed me but I could've prevented it from happening...

A bright Sunday morning, before dawn, I woke up, brushed my teeth, wash my face and started putting on make-up and even lipstick, waxed my hair too! So, then early I went to church to get ready for the service.

I started checking the words on the slides but I skipped the hymns after checking with the preparer that the songs were sang before. Little did I know some slides were jumbled up and it makes the chairperson looked bad and might have affected the first time chairperson negatively.

Anyway, it's a lesson I learn, never take another shortcut. Never.

It's just like my housemate and I went to the same wet market. We parked illegally on the roadside but my housemate never get summon but I did again. 

Just have to pay for my own mistakes. Sometimes, the price is more than I can bear, have to becareful not to shortcut my way again.

Selfishness - self fulfillment

3 months into the new environment. 1 major thing changed, I feel more to myself and less of God. So much less that nothing feels satisfying. 

My work grew more intense with higher work load and crazy overtime as it moves closer to an end. I'm emotionally drained. I don't know what to do, who to talk to.  Although talking to God seems to be the way out but I'm back to my pattern -- escape. Running away from the truth that I'd rather not face. My incapability to complete a job based on deadlines. I could finish it if I get the "time" to complete it to my satisfaction but reality doesn't allow it. Help me, O God.

Do I have a savior mentality to only appear when there's a problem? I could stay up until 6:30am to observe my colleague tackling a deployment. And then keep on "helping" him to solve a few problems later. But when it comes back to my routine timeline, my own work, it's so dull and I don't see the end of things and dragging my own feet to get it done sooner.

A few unwanted thoughts that feel good creeped into my brain and making me feel uneasy especially in front of my housemate. I need a high in my brain and exercise couldn't give me the "high" no more. It just make me feel tired after doing it. I have that urge ha, the sexual desire that I know can give me the "high" but it is like this legal drug coffee, the high might be real but the low after that is also real. Like a recovered drug addict, I wish to try the drug again but I know once I get hooked I won't be able to get myself out of it again. Ah~ why don't I have something healthier to go to?

Selfish as I mentioned, giving in to my flesh, not keeping it for my future spouse (like if I'm gonna get one haha) but trying to settle for an easy way out now rather than building a long term healthier habit. 

I have another struggle though, wondering if my work would make me more unhealthy or is it just me taking an easy way out. Blaming others, my work, my lack of connection on others. Aih, why coffee no longer helps? Selfish as I said, I hope things go my way instead of facing them challenges one at a time. I don't have clarity again. Not sure where I'm going, why I'm doing what I'm doing or not doing what I'm not supposed to do. Tell me, am I alright?

Independence month 3

The loneliness is killing me...

Indeed my housemate is a good housemate but I need to expand my circle of friends. How lar in this pandemic? Can't even make friends with the neighborhood hawker haha

Well, the only other place I visited the most is the wet market. I 'kena saman' (received traffic summon) parking on the roadside blocking the shop. I should've listen to my housemate parking into the next car slot that probably block the shop but not on the road with yellow stripes. My bad. my bad.

I broke a sewing tool and I feel like going out and visit the wet market tomorrow morning just to get a breather. I'm stuck in the mental loop of work stress due to issues and tasks on hand. Well, all these going on is not helpful at all for my well being. Not only I put on weight, I'm not working hard enough for my mental health as well as diabetes control.

I feel damned. Why am I in this mess again? Why? Struggling to cope with the stressors in life, not easy. But I need to believe that I'm on the right track resisting the temptations to give up / give in. It's easy to give in, surrender but all that does is imprisonment. I'll be imprisoned by whatever I give in to... Like food, negative thoughts etc.

3rd month into my independence, am I doing good? I'm at least aware about myself, my belongings, my stuff, my good and bad, my stressors, my likings, my control and uncontrolled areas, my highs and lows, my needs and wants, ...

Hope keeps one alive. I just need to find more people to stay alive together. Keyword -- together. Not alone.

Independent month 2

Today marks the beginning of the 2nd month I moved out from my parents house. 30 days passed. God's provision on the table and protection of my days never decrease. 

Still fighting with the mosquitoes on some nights but generally improving the quality of my life with my handy and God-worshipping housemate. 

Blessings upon blessings

Since the decision of moving out, I've been troubled until 2 times of communication, things are settled down and my family is accepting my leaving though not approving it.

However, different opinions, different people, responded differently. On one hand facing the disapproval of people, on the other hand blessings from various people giving away their unused / used extra stuff to fill up the empty rented house.

Yesterday, a good family friend stopped by and chatted a while. She reminded this, 'Consult Jesus'. Deep down inside, I know this is the right thing to do but at the same time I have a negative emotion surfaced -- Anger -- "Oh, you're saying I didn't consult Jesus on my moving out?" "How do you know I didn't?", all the defensive words started playing in my mind. I had to control my emotion, and I can feel difficulty breathing (also due to mask wearing in a hot humid environment). After she left, I moved on to other activities. (Her kind words are blessings too although it doesn't seem to be at that moment but it does trigger me to think about this and pray and ask God to reveal the underlying issues I have deep within)

This morning, I woke up with a dream of reconciliation between 2 friend, a boy and a girl. The girl was agree at the boy and just wouldn't tell it properly to the boy. I was a teacher, guiding the 2 of them out of the classroom and asking the girl to say what is she angry about the boy directly to his face. The boy shed tears and I woke up in an uneased emotion. As if I was the little girl with anger. Seems like my anger issue is still not fully resolved despite many rounds of prayer for forgiveness & inner healing to break the unforgiveness. 

But blessings from all around is indeed felt throughout Advent (new word I learn). First is people sending gifts to fill up the house. Then the process of getting to know my housemate-to-be, who is so kind and accepting. Plus my cousin who is so hospitable, cooked instant noodles with lots of sides for me and my housemate, and even allowed us to visit their decluttering items to see if any we need. On top of it is the revelation of my anger issue. 

God is a God of love. He gives us His blessings even though we do not fully obey Him all the time. Indeed, He does not treat us badly because we're not good enough but is willing to walk with us, help us, use us, to show us our greatest value in His eyes. He is the gift that blessed everyone~

不被理解、不被接纳，却还是要忍受这种孤独感——独立

When a person is independent. He/she is able to bear the feeling of being not accepted, being not understood by others. I think this is why many successful people are lonely because they are always doing something different from the norm to be / stay at the top of their game.

But I just realised this in the last few days. Even a normal person who strive to be independent needs to be able to take this on. Being independent also means accepting that I am different from others. We may have some commonalities but for the most of it we are different. We look different, we act different, we live different and our expectations differ.

Indeed when I experience this, I am experiencing the loneliness that comes with it. The price for independent is loneliness. I didn't expected it. No one can understand this.

The advent study for today -- Hope. The hope that is Christ / God. Not something seen. Definitely not the same as my expectations. Realising this is devastating because I always thought hope is something concrete, something that can be achieve but to my surprise, it it not. I might not even experience the fulfillment of this hope in my lifetime but I need to learn to rely on this hope. The hope that is for the hopeless and helpless. The hope that is the foundation of joy and peace. 

At the same time of experiencing independence that comes with a lot of negative emotions (unaccepted, uncomprehended, loneliness), God is showing me there is hope, not the hope I expected, not the hope that I thought will rescue me from these negative emotions, not the hope that will provide me positive energy, not the hope that I imagine. So, what is it? God himself will help me to comprehend THE HOPE -- source of joy and peace brought by Jesus Christ -- unfolded in the days to come.

Reason for uncomfortable feelings - comparison

I figured, why I would have that annoying feelings, uncomfortable feelings, almost close to angry kind of feelings when I spoke to my mom last night.

Because throughout the conversation, when she cannot understand why I feel that way, she started comparing my situation with my friends and eventually my siblings.

Since young, I'll be compared to my neighbour's son who is of my same age. Even later, I was compared to his wealth, marriage, and successfulness. All these, not from others but my mom.

Not only I'm expected to be the best among my siblings, I'm also expected to be better than others. 

Quote myself in the past when I struggle in my workplace, "I'm just a piece of wood, don't see me as a piece of metal." 

Well, I need to learn how to be free from this bondage. To unlearn this and learn God's way.

Move out = clear boundaries

 I suddenly flashed back about my thought to move out many many years ago when I was in my teenage years. 

I needed the space. The emotional space away from my mother, away from my uncontrolled thoughts about her control over my life.

Now, when I have the financial capability, I decided to do that but facing the challenge of getting my own things, deciding what to buy, what to pack, what to get, really makes me nervous. 

Well, I guess, with a clear boundaries, I should be able to think for myself, decide for myself and allow God to grow me into His likeness and not my mom's expectations. 

Still need God's heavy involvement and I trust that He is more than happy to do that. I just need to open my heart to sense His guidance.

沟通--是为了让你了解我还是让我了解你？

昨晚，我把对妈妈说的话，对她说了。

她仍旧不明白为何我要搬出去。总觉得如果我在家做不到，更别说离开可以改变什么。她说，我不明白我给了你那么多自由、在家可以随你的意思去行，为何还会感到压力？

她举了一些例子：

1. 家务事都没让你做了，怎么还压力？你看你朋友可以在家里不帮忙吗？

我说人家家里和我们家不一样，无法比较。

2. 我建议安排时间表，她还是说，这些你应该自己自动自发做的。你看你弟，都会自己把衣服浸好放到洗衣机里。每天早上出门前还会告诉我他出门了。

3. 你朋友寄住妹妹家，搬出去是合理的。你有什么理由？

4. 你这是去租房子，为何不等到买房子了或者嫁人了才搬？

5. 你租房子还买什么家私电器。

说真的，到最后，我只觉得她把自己害怕的情况套在我身上：

1. 搬家是很辛苦的

2. 租房子不可以随心布置

3. 在家不能改变还指望出去能？

4. 在家没做家务出去会？

我不懂也不可能懂。她也不理解我。

我觉得沟通是让我说完了我要讲的。对方真的能不能够接受我不知道。

她总是重复她觉得对她好的：

1. 早餐最重要，怎么可以不吃？

我说糖尿病就不是一定得吃早餐。还解释了一堆我怎么实验去照顾自己，还是没有找到方法。她又说我爸。还说自己怎么个勤劳照顾自己好让自己不生病，不然家里的人会为此而忙。我真的不为所动。我怎么个就要和你的生活方式一样吗？

2. 一定要运动。你看我每天运动，身体不痛。

我说，我试过了不能早上运动，会睏而无法继续工作。

她不解。忙解释以前她也以为会这样但事实，做了更精神。

我是试过了才说我的总结的。她听到了吗？

3. 每天洗衣服、晒衣服是应该的。你不这么做，表示你还没预备好结婚。到时你连孩子的衣服都不知道在哪里，洗没洗。

我无语。标签贴的真好。

4. 扫地抹地都没让你做了，只是收衣服而已会有压力吗？

我说的话，她只听到了例子，没听到我说压力来源是我不想辜负她的期待。

5. 你常说吃原型食物，那你为何还吃蛋白粉？

我说我在实验什么才是有效的。我的身体唯一有效就是全天液体禁食才能降到7。

她说，7还是很高。

她不明白我比她更紧张因为效果没有预期好。

-----

我的感受是：

- 唯有你的方法是对的，我做什么都不对。

- 我就是不懂照顾自己不会自动自发，怎么当别人的妈。我都还没当妈，怎么个着？

- 其实我也赶不上我身体的变化。我也以为做什么可以有效，但就是没有效。我能怎样啊？她的理由是我没有好像她，早餐一定吃，每天运动，规律家务，自己做饭而不外食。--是吗？我做不到你的规律。我的工作也和你不同啊。

- 我要每天开朗，笑脸迎人。你为何不想想我为何苦恼压力？还不是因为我不同？

我这几天都睡不好。我没说。我已经觉得再说也没用。

我本来放松了的身体想说可以计划每星期回来，可是看来我不知道几时才能突破了。我真的很想立马出去，不再回来。一刀两断？也许这就是情绪被勒索久了的窒息感。

我做梦都梦到要买房子。

我不要在活在她的期待里面了！

“我受够了等待你所谓的安排！”套用蔡依林的倒带来宣泄我的情绪。

我的不同不被认同。我很难在她的期待里面活出自己。将来，我是要把自己寄托在上帝的真理上还是我妈妈的标准里？我必须为自己决定并且负责。说到底，我要逃离这份窒息的爱。捆绑我的是我自己，所以我需要学孟母三迁，把自己放进好的影响力里边去学习新的模式。

期待吧，期待搬出去的惊险刺激。

期待看见上帝的作为。

今晚就是我的最后一个实体家庭祭坛。珍惜吧。

以后还要讨论种种我要带走的东西和留下的东西。希望其他家人可以理解。不理解也罢。不要再被这些情感拉扯着我了 -- 让我窒息的爱。

对妈妈说的话

昨天早上我去见了辅导员，理清了一些真相。自己总结了事实上我被情绪操控同时是情绪寄生也是被动生气的人。我也在不同的时间点无形地变成了情绪操控者。这和妈妈一点脱不了关系。

所以我想说：

爱我的妈妈，我也很爱你。我也很感谢你把我养育成人并且在我一切的需要上都有丰富的供应。我真的已经长大了，可以自己做出判断和思考。对于住在同一个屋檐下，我感到无比的压力，因为我不想常常害怕自己会让你生气或是伤心。我会觉得愧疚如果你生气或伤心但是很多时候只是因为我没有达到你的期待而不是真的做错了什么。比如说，衣服没有按时收进来。

Monkey story. Banana is dangerous vs delicious. 这个故事告诉我不明白原由而一味盲从和迷信没两样。所以我还是想明白为什么衣服不可以晒月亮？

我很感谢妈妈真的用尽你可以做得到的方法和心思为我们准备3餐。因为妈妈煮的实在很好吃。可是这也是我为难的地方，有时候我真的没有很想吃也会担心吃太多影响血糖控制而拒绝禁食但是妈妈你却会觉得我这样做是不对的。其实我对自己的健康状况是最了解也是唯一能够做出改变的人。我必须为自己的健康负责。我吃或不吃，终究是要自己承担后果的。有时候妈妈煮的食物真的太诱人了，我如果开始吃，不免就会多吃却又会被讲，我会很不舒服，一方面多吃是想传达对你的感谢煮得那么美味，另一方面却又会被讲，我真的觉得很不好受。

我知道妈妈会担心如果我出门迟回。但是，我只是一个周末出去找朋友或者处理事情，可能就会因为和朋友一段时间没见面而多聊到忘了时间，妈妈会打电话来催，也会令我不舒服，感觉到不被信任也没有自由。我会觉得住在同一个屋檐下，我难免是要“遵守”一些家规，可是这些家规会让我觉得自己还是未成年的小孩要受保护。

（例子：生活作息、煮饭的方式）

最后就说我搬出去这件事，上个星期一我提了之后，妈妈说了3个重点：

1. 广薇做错了

2. 广薇这么做伤了妈妈的心

3. 广薇这么做让妈妈失败

我都听进心里了，因为我爱妈妈，所以觉得这些话很重要。可是我思考了也有问问其他人关于搬出去住的决定，并没有人告诉我是错的。我也并不觉得我的决定是错的。也许妈妈是担心我搬出去能不能照顾自己或者安不安全，我不是一个人住，屋子里也有另一个姐妹可以照应。还有一些朋友都在不远处。真的有需要还是有上帝照顾的。或者会不会被人骗或者会浪费金钱，我其实都有想过了。比如妈妈在家私电器这一方面是很清楚的，我如果需要还是可以询问征求意见。那也有朋友是当地人，可以在安全（装CCTV)和购买食材等等的的居住环境上请朋友帮忙。也许担心我会受苦，但是这也是我需要学习的，不是吗？我这样的安排和想法，妈妈认为呢？

其实如果真的很难和别人解释，那就可以说我只是找到一个工作室而搬过去工作室酱紫的说法来应付旁人的询问。

其实我搬出去不表示我不爱这个家。只是真心希望有自己成长和发展的空间。毕竟我的朋友圈都在PJ/KL一带，加上工作如果恢复实体到办公楼，那很可能会需要进到吉隆坡市中心，那我住在PJ就会是一个很好的策略。

对于未来，我真的没法预测，比如说可能有某些原因我需要搬回来，到时我还是可以先问问爸妈的同意，再决定。也许这次的决定感觉有点仓促，不过我是有经过思考的。而且我也觉得可以体验租房子、搬家的整个过程和里面牵涉的细节还有怎么样和housemate以及agent沟通也可以是是一个很好的人生经验。

---

说实在的，我也需要聆听妈妈的感受和需求。还有其他家庭成员的看法。虽然他们之前没有公开表态。

可是我之前真的就是只有恐惧在心里，完全无法正面思考。

经过辅导和两位朋友的谈话，我看清楚，事实上我并没有错，只是我太害怕表达自己，让大家模糊不清、猜来猜去，才搞得全家很累吧。

我妹也许会不舍得我搬出去？我不知道。但是她给我买了一套碗碟，送给我。我大概舍不得就是我们的姐妹情，深夜谈心的时段。但是，我还是必须为自己的成长负责，不可以再推卸在别人不顾及我的感受或者我不敢为自己的感受负责的态度里。

好啦，写好了。清楚自己的定位了。可以安心睡觉了。

感谢上帝让我经历这一切。虽然在过程中真的痛苦到否定自己，无法感谢神，但是这几个星期我就像一只正在破蛹的蝴蝶，挣扎着。感谢几位姐妹的开导，分享，甚至开放自己的家让我可以休息整顿。是上帝在其中掌管。这次真的是我做我的部分，让上帝做他的部分，预备好家人的心和我聆听的耳朵。听清楚家人的想法和妈妈的顾虑。也许大家都可以因此成长，更健康，更能成为别人的祝福。

可以真心感谢上帝表示我真正释怀了。

我也很感谢我的housemate-to-be，在这么艰难的时候仍然听我说出了让她不安的可能性，却仍然陪伴着我，鼓励着我。还有她妈妈的鼓励也让我送了一小口气，至少有另一个妈妈不反对我的决定。不再是“一切都是我的错”了。

真的感恩上帝的看顾。就算不再醒来也死而后矣。别无遗憾了。

生气是很恐怖的

我已经尽量减少说话避免摩擦。

她仍然不放过我。

今天早上我和父母借车因为我的车子还没修好。她要我坐下开始问我房子多大，有地吗，租金好贵哦，如果自己买的就可以做很多东西啦。我说850千的单层排屋。空的吗？我说，有两架冷气，2个water heater。那你们房间attached bathroom？没有，都在外面。

干嘛明天要去量地？sofa, marble table 一定可以进的。她说，一定可以的，我们做家私的当然知道。

我说，要来看吗？她不高兴了，说，没有啦。好啦，你去做你的事吧。

我干嘛了我？她问那么仔细还问我多大、有地吗、多少年的屋子，等等。自己来看不就好了？

还说不容易，因为屋子是空的。

什么跟什么？

我很生气。我生气是因为你要我说，我就说啦，说了你还很多意见。是你要买吗？

加上最后一句，好啦，你去做你的事情啦。我什么都不做还不行？要你管？沉默是给你面子。

完全不明白她为什么要问这么多。她要管，但是不要管。

我不能心平静气。全身的皮肤都开始疙瘩。我没有要说，我干嘛就是不会拒绝？我是生气别人还是生气自己？我为什么生气就只可以忍着。我又不是忍者。

我去量地方有错吗？我跟她说话还要看她脸色。然后憋住不可以发脾气。我怎么了我？

Multitasking 2

I was reading a chinese book and listening to a truelove.is interview in English between Pr Ian Toh and Emmanuel Sia from Malaysia.

I'm thankful. The words shared by Emmanuel and his prayer has a few points for me to grasp:

1. God is gentle

2. God is love

3. God brings us from darkness to light

4. Nothing can separate us from God (love)

And as I read the book, it talks about being humble but not inferior. Able to be and become who I'm supposed to be and not withdraw when negative situation happens or rejection comes. 

What if I made a wrong choice now? What can be worse? Why can't I just be strong and courageous to execute my decision even though my family thinks I'm wrong?Why would I want to just give up and give in to their opinions?

I thank God for all these. I'm weak but God is strong. Let's see how God helps me and unfold His mighty power in me in the days to come.

Thank you God for loving me unconditionally, accepting me as who I am even though I'm not perfect, I don't have a perfect body, perfect mind, perfect act, but God, you still loves me, accepts me as I am.

Help me to overcome my inferiority. To learn to bear the responsibility for my actions and speak up for myself. I'm not created with a timid spirit but bold and courageous! Help me, Lord. I worship you the Almighty God!

Emmanuel - God with us

God is with us!

God is not against us

God is not ashamed of us

God is not apart from us

God is with us!

回家

今天把大将书局送来的书拿了两本来翻。首先看了 李欣怡的欣想事成，她的启发是觉得文字可以记录一些可能会在未来震撼自己的回忆。

翻了几页 何国煌医生的写给癌症病人。

我被欣怡的书吸引了，看了几篇散文。和我许多的心情产生了共鸣。

我拿起了吉他吹着口哨哼起了调子。

回家 ~ 这是一个无法说出口的事情。

对许多人来说，回家，是一种期盼、享受、休息的地方。对我而言，却不是如此。家——是指出我许多缺点的地方。每次回家离家就是一种胆战心惊不知道是不是我出去见朋友又是错误的选择或者买了东西回来被指责买贵了，买了不该买的。很常一段时间我没有办法面对我妈妈这种吹毛求疵的挑剔。无论我的选择是什么——存钱或花钱都被严厉批判一番，然后说那你自己选择。愣了，你说了这么多难听的话是要我选择你的建议不是吗？怎么个我选择？我就是应该要选择你的选择，不是吗？

回家 ~ 一种想尽办法不做的事情。几年前，我还住在外头租房间，偶尔会想回家因为家里舒服的资源。但是这次因为行管令，真的让我透不过气。

记得有一天晚上，我妈回家把买回来的东西放进冰箱后，很兴奋地说，我最喜欢回家了。姐（我是老大），你喜欢回家吗？坐在饭厅的我，没有回答。我知道我心里的答案是“不喜欢”。因为只要我妈妈在家，我就不想回家。从头到脚被数落，我还有哪里有价值？我唯一有价值的时候就是当我做了她期盼的事，她可以跟别人炫耀的时候。

我的心揪着，对于回家这两个字是如此的想保持距离。

我没有交代出门，回家后，我不是被问今天去哪里了怎么这么早就出门？有什么好玩的/好吃的的要那么早出去吗？而是为什么没有交代。我不想在交代的时候要被你训话然后觉得自己做错了而改变主意。我一辈子都在做错吗？我很痛心，沟不通。我太会好好的说，因为我受伤太深了。每次一要讲，就会变成大吵收场。其他的弟妹难道没有这个问题？他们可能习以为常而且不会像我一样总是觉得我就是错的，需要符合、配合妈妈所有的决定。

我知道我和我妈不可能成为朋友一样的关系。可是，我该如何？

我说我要搬出去住，和朋友合租屋子在PJ。这句话，竟然是对妈妈的伤害，造成她的失败，还被评论为错误的决定。够了。上帝，你来说说吧。我真的无言以对。告诉我，什么才是对？是不是也要让你决定所有我的决定才是对的？

多年前，我就有选择恐惧。每一次的选择都会听到妈妈在耳边嚷嚷。恐怖你知道吗？我大吃，有时候买两份，怕别人知道又会被批评，就养成了秘密偷吃的习惯。我的车，成了我唯一的避风港。唯一一个我私人的空间。

我的家是独立式房子但是我被心里的空间局限了。

去朋友家过了一个星期回家后我才知道，原来我长期处在紧张状态。

只有我妈说的才是对的。我说的都是错的。那么，我干嘛还要发表我的意见？所以我凡事都有标准答案。从来不会说出心里的话。标准的作业模式就不会招惹反对的声音、负面的情绪。虽然很多时候还是免不了会吵架但是我尽量避免。很累。

有一次我还记得，我情绪崩溃，在客厅里对着我妹妹大哭大喊对不起，对不起，都是我的错，都是我的错。我可能吓到我妹了。我妈从楼上下来要我安静。

真的，回家不是我会说的。只要朋友有活动我就会想尽办法呆在外头不回家。很讽刺对吧。独立式房子空间特别多，但是我却不想进到那个要憋气小心翼翼的庞大空间。

锁上房门，我妈来敲门，开了门就要应付她所有的问题。那天我傍晚6点睡觉，结果她大概7点多回来，还是进来叫了我2次。第一次我不作声装作睡着了，第二次我是真的在朦朦胧胧的情况地下还是要回答她。我不吃，就是搞坏自己的身体。我吃，又说我吃的不对。只有吃她觉得对的食物才是对的。真的好难啊。我早餐喝蛋白粉不吃鸡蛋，她还是一直唠叨说我怎么没照顾身体。真的是，唉，我不就是为了照顾才选择吃蛋白粉吗？怎么个还要给你一个交代？我不知道。如果我结婚的对象也是那么样的话，我大概会患上忧郁症或者躁郁症，因为我都不知道自己是什么，所有都是需要她/他的批准和同意。

我没了骨气，不能负责任。因为我怕。我怕我的选择是错的。不能独立思考和判断。我怕我的决定得不到支持。我怕我的上司的想法和我不同。

回家——回了就出不去了。我37岁了，出去的时候，交代了。还是要解释为什么我要去那么远，就不过是半小时的车程而已。我真的这么差劲？没有给她信心？还是是她自己不安全感？

What have I ever done that is right?

回家。回你家吧，好吗？

以前我都不让同学来我家。每次同学离开，我妈都有一番话让我不要学那位同学怎么样怎么样。我同学朋友也是一无是处？当某个朋友讨我妈欢心的时候，我就会对她/他特别友好。觉得这样我妈应该会觉得我都跟着你喜欢的朋友做了，应该没问题吧。却还是不一定。从她的语气中还是会感觉到我的某些决定她不喜欢。

回家。好啊，我妈不在的时候吧。回家。

Moving Out = wrong = fail parenting -> Emotional break down

So, after everyone shared their prayer items during family altar, I shared this: I planned to be independent by moving out and rent a house with friend.

Mom: I think your decision is wrong. How would a family be family if there's only just me and your dad? Your reason to move out is invalid. Last time we let you move out is so that you'll be nearer to your office but now you're just working from home and MCO time, where got reason for you to move out?

Teary eyes, my mom added, I failed as a parent if you move out.

Tense. Intense. My headache comes back...

-----

So, I told them you're my housemate because my mom guessed it. Also told them the reason is so that you're nearer to your office. She said your situation understandable because you are staying with your sister instead of parents and reasonable to move closer to your office. Whereas, I have no condition to do that and my decision is wrong.

My mom is emotional with tears and she felt that if I move out means she failed as parent. But she also prayed that if this is God's will let all my family members to have the same "sight" (看見) / vision on this. So hard lar.. Anyway, I also told them if no accident I will move by mid Dec. My mom suggest that you find your colleagues to rent the house with you My dad totally don't understand, he said, after 1 month you can come back. My SIL agreed with my parents. My bro said nothing. My sis said I'm just informing them, not asking for opinion. Frankly, even though I didn't agree with my mom, I am doubtful with my decision now. I am incline to just follow her suggestions to ask you to get another 2 more people to rent the place with you so that I don't need to go through this emotional time. I did bring up a scenario that if I'm 50 years old and still not married, I should still stay with my parents? They kinda laugh about it and didn't respond directly.

----

I decided to publish this for the record. And be done with it.

Staycation -> home

At the end of my staycation, a good friend and housemate-to-be sent me home. My car is still in the workshop.

Many many things to be grateful for:

1. A good pair of hosts, letting me eat whatever I want, sleep whenever I need, talk, discuss, edify, laugh, pray, worship, basically doing life together for a week.

2. A refreshed spirit, soul, and body, to face my relationships with my family especially my parents, more accurately my mom.

3. The company of a good friend with encouragements during the drive, to hold on to God, kneel, lift my hands for God's fighting the battle, not me. 

4. The reminder of a short online devotion to hold on to God like Jacob before he became Israel.

5. A renewed spirit towards God.

6. A prayer with healing power from the resurrected Christ Jesus.

7. A note written regarding 'moving out' speech to my family.

8. A new idea about my fish, giving them sufficient light for the plants to grow and the fish to be happy.

God knows what is going to happen tomorrow. I just need to pray to tell him, cast all my cares upon Jesus.

Thank you Jesus for loving me and sending angels to my life to 'rescue' me from the toxicity of my own thoughts. 

Thank you Jesus for all the not so happy but looking back is a wonderful journey of growth. Oh Jesus, tell it to you, I can. Tell it to Jesus.

Ah Lord God thou has made the heavens and the earth by thy great wonders,

...

Nothing is too difficult for Him,

Nothing is too difficult for Him.

...

Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing,

Nothing is too difficult for God.

Remember, God is always there as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is there besides me.