I've abandoned my blog since January 2020, immediately after I make a wish to do a weekly journal...
Malaysia has gone into such a long period of Movement Control Order (MCO) where humans are trapped in their own homes like a zoo.
Parents and children, grandparents even, kids, adults, young and old, everyone under one roof are not allowed to simply go out on their own except for the leader of the family to do groceries shopping.
It has been a great challenge to me and it's getting greater when the "lockdown" extends. I wish the "lockdown" is over because I'm beginning to feel suffocating living with others. I can't be myself because "I am just not reaching standard", I need to become the "standard" way of living, otherwise I'm rebellious!
What have I become? A rebellious, not following order, individualistic daughter, who is selfish, and not helpful.
So, now the "me" has been magnified because I couldn't swallow down the statement above. But is that true? Yes, perhaps but I cannot accept it.
If I'm so disastrous, please take away my life and buried me 6 feet under. Why still keeping me alive?
If God accepted me as who I am, why do I need to live up to His standard? What is the freedom I have to be me? Or should I not be me but someone else? I see, the answer is to be Jesus Christ, the ultimate human standard! Who am I? Why is "I" so important?
But God accepted me, "me" isn't it? Or He just accepted "me" to become like Him?
I'm battling with God because I cannot see myself clearly without "hearing" the things coming out of my mother's mouth.
"You never have joy"
"You never help"
"You are always angry"
"Cincai lar, you choose lar"
I need to be ever-loving, ever-joyful, ever-helpful, ever-energetic, ever-able, ever-calm, ever-obey, ever-abiding, ever-n, you can add on the list. But I am just never!
Then I ask God to take away my life, take away my existence, wipe me out from history, so that I never even existed on this earth. Wipe out all of me in other people's history as well. I'm not there.
没有我，地球依然转动；
有了我，地球没有变动。
Conflicting thoughts, who am I? Why is there I? I? I am not I. Me not me.
My heart is experiencing storm, identity crisis, not knowing who I am? Why I am living? Why do I even bother to life a good life? Do I even worth living?
I remembered years ago, I threw away a full bag of all my medals, my trophies, along with my self-worth. I'm worth nothing more than those medals/trophies which are now merely thrash. Moments of being the most valuable person in the field, the ability to be a key player in the team, all gone down into the bin.
Why do I throw them away if they represents me so much? Because they are worthless to my mother. They are merely dust collecting decorations!
I really wish to go if God allows. I said, I'm willing to be infected by COVID-19 and just be gone~
Who cares? Those who care, I ask God to wipe out their memory about me.
Let me sister have no sister to remember, my mother has only 1 daughter, my friends have never met me, my brothers have only 1 sister, my father remembers only 1 daughter, and everyone never ever met me. I'm but just some junk to be decluttered.
