Another Birthday Celebration - E

Not much effort was put in place I'd say for this celebration from my side apart from the thinking process.

Mostly sis M who did the gift, cake, arrangements, etc.

I'm grateful, in my struggles, I could just laid down peacefully with 3 other women surrounding and no other thoughts ran through my mind. So peaceful, just quiet.

-----------

A start of an early day yesterday, to complete my jobs for church work so that I can go out peacefully with my friends. And I did! ✅

My sis baked a burnt cheesecake for the birthday girl but we never thought of her not used to eating dairy products like cheesecake. This time I didn't put a lot of focus and tricks to figure this out... our cake failed❌

We had a good time at my house, letting the 2 ladies to get to know my living space, and some of my family members more. ✅

We departed from my house to meet the birthday girl, she brought us around town, trying her best to share her life with us by explaining her background, showing us the physical locations, giving us a good time with her family members as well.✅ psst, her mom so funny, use elbow to "shake" hands hahaha

We had a fun time listening to her dad's story of how he came all the way from "kampung" to city to start a new living and raised 4 kids with her mom. How he developed into the new lifestyle. Wow, how a man loves His children although he spoke few words at home but a lot to his friends. Yet, no parents who doesn't love their child. ✅

Her mom filled us with good food, and even asked us to bring home some of her homemade acar to try out. So good, I like good food. Such a wonderful strong lady, who's keeping the family together for many years and keeping her marriage alive! ✅ shhh.... she's launching her new shop tomorrow to serve food for many!

Her brothers, so chill and willing to listen, allowed us to speak our opinions about their new shop, serving us the good food, preparing the table and environment for us to enjoy and sit so close with us despite social distancing is required and we're only meeting the first time! Her younger bro has broad shoulders, I noticed! Older brother is a foodie like me and meat-eater like M. haha ✅

So, focus on the ✅✅✅✅✅✅ rather than the ❌ for a good day has been blessed by God our Father in heaven, who has showered His love even before we're formed in our mothers' womb.

Would I want to change my life? Again I ask myself this question. Would I want to exchange my mom with M or L or E? Though I might envy some areas of their lives but we each has our own burden to carry, lesson to learn, and much needed maturity to grow into. Nothing can replace how we're brought up. But, God brought us all THROUGH until today and is still at work in our lives. 

+++++++++++

These 3 ladies has become a support system for me when I needed friends. We might not have known each other for very long but by God's grace, we have the same heavenly Father! 

May our differences help us to grow and to develop ourselves to the image of Christ Jesus, the perfecter of our faith!

We learn and learn and learn to build healthy friendships, we laugh and laugh and laugh on trivial things we did, we feel and feel and feel our hearts when we talk and talk and talk, we hug and hug and hug to show our love and love and love. 

Thank God for a wonderful day and His blessings into the "failure" of some areas of our lives to help us to grow, and the good memories for us to treasure as friends.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lord, God, I thank you for your blessings, wonderfully crafted us individually with our uniqueness, gathering us together to learn to be Christ-like, helping us to love and strengthen our friendships. This will not have happened without you, Lord. 

You are the Lord of our lives, I commit all 4 of us into Thy loving hands to continue to help us grow into maturity, as You have planned for us to become! 

Your plans are not my plans, for Your plans are greater, better, more achievable than my plans. 

Loving heavenly Father, help us to grow in areas that You see fit, help us to support each other in going through the painful growing process persistently.

With your love, I commit E, M, L into Thy loving hands, trusting that You're the good carer of our lives.

In Jesus' loving name I pray, Amen.

What to Do If You're Tired of Toughing It Out - Joyce Meyer

When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you're reprogramming a "worldly" mind to think as God thinks. 

But God—the best "computer programmer" around—is working on us every day to reprogram our minds as we cooperate with Him (see Romans 12:2).

When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he develops the ability to walk without falling; however, the baby is persistent. He may cry for a while after he falls down, but he always gets right back up and tries again.

Learning to change our thinking works the same way. There will be days when we don't do everything right—days when our thinking is negative. But never stop trying. God is gradually bringing us around to His way of thinking. Just don't give up! 

 

https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/what-to-do-if-youre-tired-of-toughing-it-out

I cannot recall when I was learning to walk but I do remember learning many things without failing much. 

Now I need to learn to try—to do the right thing at the right time with God's help—to allow God to reprogram my thoughts. 

And the truths are:

• God always love me
• God always protect me
• God always help me
• God always is there
• God will bring me THROUGH it
• God will give me the strength needed to GO THROUGH it
• God loves me, God chooses me, God surrounds me top down, in and out
• God will bring me through sufferings
• God will help me to be persistent
• God will use others to remind me when I refuse to hear Him
• God is always there whether I need Him or not
• God is always there whether I feel Him or not
• God is always there whether I want Him or not
• God allows me to make a choice
• God is love
• God is fearless 
• God is good
• God is my source of strength
• God is all I need

Jesus, the sweetest name of all

Jesus, You're the sweetest name of all
Jesus, You always hear me when I call
Oh, Jesus, You pick me up each time I fall
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

Jesus, how I love to praise Your name
Jesus, you're still the first, the last, the same
Oh, Jesus, You died and took away my shame
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

Jesus, You're the soon and coming King
Jesus, we need the love that You can bring
Oh, Jesus, we lift our voices up and sing
You're the sweetest, sweetest name of all

I'm still not sure why I was awaken by this song for 2 days in a row at the early 5am hour...

Physically tired due to lack of sleep but this song keep ringing in my ear...

Is this God calling me? Have I neglected Him too long? He is ringing me? 

📞 Hello, may I speak to my dear Michelle?

Plans

Whether I like it or not, my brain always do the planning and execution but things doesn't always go according to my expectations.

I planned to start doing my church slides this morning at 7am but I only woke up at 7am.

I felt hungry and had breakfast, which is unplanned.

I checked company whatsapp at 8:30am before I even officially start work.

Never a day I need not Jesus' grace to carry me through, the love of God to sustain my live, and the Holy Spirit to remind, encourage, and comfort in times.

I cannot do anything by myself but trust the Lord for provision and care. The Lord says in Isaiah 55:8-9,

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Trust in times of fear/worry. Trust the Lord. Trust the Lord.

如果超人会飞

我认识的唯一可以冠得上超人之衔的就是耶稣了。

无时无刻不在聆听、观看、关心我的需要。

从来不强迫我选择，总是给我最好的。

在我流泪的时候把我的眼泪装罐，浇灌我的心田使其肥沃。

24/7 直通热线，不管我说什么都是完全保密！不用担心祂的界限，因为祂就是界限的源头，一切的总纲！

如果超人会飞，我却从来没看过。我认识的超人不会飞，但是超级爱我。

谢谢耶稣把天父爸爸的爱显明出来，在十架上从钉痕到钉痕无限量的爱。虽然很多人误会天父在最痛苦的时候离开耶稣，但是我领悟到，感受不到并不代表不存在。当时耶稣承受着极残酷的死刑直到痛苦--全世界的罪孽--让祂痛苦到无法感受到天父爸爸的爱。但是天父就是因为爱，接着牺牲祂独一的爱子来表明祂极度的爱！

啊，我多么不懂得怎么回应。有时还会抱怨自己那一点点的小不舒服。爱，很爱，非常爱我。 

谢谢这份爱。一份无私无限的、完美的爱。

Talking

Today, similar to some of the other days, I woke up early covered in sweats that I don't understand why.

Thank God I managed to finish verifying and amended the slide for my church before work starts 9am.

Thank God I started work early, spent some time to sort out some client ID issues before lunch.

Thank God my brother get news from hospital about grandpa's status - 'Critical'.

Thank God my boss told me to go ahead if needed to settle family matter. -- now I know what matters.

Thank God my stomach still feels hungry when I skipped breakfast today.

Thank God I spent some time making steam egg milk, cooking lunch, and also had a ginger tea for tea break. 

Thank God my mom and brother went to hospital to get an update about grandpa. 

Thank God grandpa doesn't have any other diseases apart from the skin infection on his back.

Thank God for protection over grandpa and his willingness to go to hospital after 2 times vomiting yesterday. Previously he refused to go to hospital for checking.

Thank God I managed to update church slides with additional sermon slides before the recording session tonight.

Thank God my sister keep baking and saved me a lot of desserts for tea break in the afternoon.

Thank God my water filtration system is serviced and my mom was around to work with the maintenance guy.

Thank God my sister cooked dinner tonight. 

Thank God I managed to catch a nap in the evening.

Thank God I have time to follow Dr Mike's teaching tonight.

Thank God I learned something from KCMC Online Course tonight. -- boundaries at home

Thank God I can feel the need to talk to someone but still don't know who to call haha.

Thank God for all the good and bad because You can turn the bad into good.

Thank God I learn something from L's blog post yesterday.

Thank God today is quite cooling in my house, managed to sustain without aircond until after 3PM.

Thank God.

Thank God for tomorrow for He holds the future!

Love vs Follow Rules

Instead of focusing on keeping all the rules everyday, I just get up and try to love people. Love Jesus, love myself, you need to be your own best ally, your own best friend.

 

Joyce shares the importance of loving yourself. If we don't learn to be our own best friend and love ourselves, then how can we ever show love to those around us. #JoyceTeaching #BeYourOwnBestFriend pic.twitter.com/XHDYuNUQPI

— Joyce Meyer (@JoyceMeyer) May 15, 2020

凌晨十分

凌晨十分，我开始写作。哈哈~

今天是异常忙碌的一天。很多的变化，赶不上公司的计划。唯一不变的是上帝！

那亘古不变的上帝，以祂的信实托住了我这波动巨大的一天。开工2个星期以来最混乱的一天。

惟愿上帝继续帮助我——任遭何事不要惧怕，天父比看顾。

祂是唯一。我是不是也是这样看祂？

祂爱我80分，我爱祂才20分。怎么样才能提高我对祂的爱？

#gratitude #day10of10

I'm finishing my 10th day, although not consecutively,and is way passed the original deadline. I realised it is really hard for me to write every day. Perhaps weekly and occasionally during the week if any.

Thank God for:

A. Full of warm and 

I'm overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God for the wonderful team work that worked out so well for a friend's birthday party. Still so touched by you, Lord, the wonderful feeling of trusts felt throughout the whole "project"! 

I'm so blessed by my friend's mother, when we visited them on Saturday lunch time. She is so warm and welcoming, made me feel so comfortable. I uttered some words I never thought I'd say to an elderly person. I said the plant 'Bung Dai Woon' is a plant that increases sex drives! 🙊 Why would I say that! That's how much trusts her mom and eldest sister gave me that I would use these words.

Indeed, seeing the condition in her house is way different from seeing it through the virtual tour. I can understand what she meant by small. Although I have stayed in smaller houses before, her condition is different from mine. Fuuyoh, her toilet has automated exhaust fan whenever the door is closed, more canggih than my house eh! I feel comfortable to be there. Clean and cozy. Perhaps she envy my big house but I envy also the unity of the whole family and the faith of her mother. 

I kept myself within the common area boundary even though a real tour is what I'm curious to do. But I dare not lah and of course respect people's boundary. Hehe.

This morning my pastor preached about a prophet is God's spokesperson, I thought of this friend. Who is told to be a prophet. When my pastor said a prophet had the ability to let people know God is here. Indeed I can feel God in her house. The little cozy blessed house!

Who is E?

I was also impressed by the wonderful prayer E prayed before we left her house. And that whole 30-45 mins journey was a great time getting to know E. 

E and me is so different, we're like north pole and south pole. She is a focus person but I'm here and there; she is good with direction but I trained myself to remember; she has good command in speech but I'm slow with words. 

Well, interesting to know a new friend, who is perhaps 1 decade younger than me haha.

Boundary

Right before dinner, after my afternoon class, I was texting 2 pastors regarding my write-up about last year's Taiwan trip. I was so excited about the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" and told one of the pastors that I have her book with me haha. So then it triggered the boundary question, how come her book end up with me while she didn't borrow it to me? 

And this triggers me thinking... what should I do in this case? I need to talk to my friend who gave me the book to understand this. 

Family Dinner

I had a fun Korean Bibimbap with BBQ pork dinner with my family and cousins at my only cousin's house. We found out my youngest brother is so good at grilling meat! Had a couple of beer and felt tired much earlier in the night. 

#gratitude #day9of10 1st success surprised birthday celebration!

Finally! Finally! Finally!

Finally I can tell it here! Wow~ I'm so proud of myself to have successfully completed a surprised birthday celebration for my dear sister Min-D!

I'm so happy!

In fact the idea started last week, a few days after I started working. How to celebrate her birthday during MCO? So sad, I can't bring her to eat her favourite food and her friends also cannot. I thought, what about virtual party? Some people did and they felt blessed! But she said no oh... How ah 🤔

Through our conversation, I know she will feel happy if we can meet physically. Especially she said when L brought her basil leaves on Friday, she was so happy to see her physically! And she was so happy when I told her I might pass by her house on Saturday night but I didn't because of some timing issue. So, 💡 I thought why not we barge into her house and give her a surprise? CMCO says go out if necessary. It's necessary to keep my friend sane and happy! Haha😜

But at the same time I was struggling inside. Is it right for me to do this? What if her family members scared we bring virus to their house? What if we went the wrong time and interrupted her family's schedule? So many what ifs.... So, I open my idea to another 2 friends. 

L said, she has class on Monday night, hmm.. so either earlier in the evening, or late at night. But E is working even though it's a public holiday. She is struggling whether to take half day leave to do this. But, but, it would be so nice if 3 of us can go together 🥺 how lar like that... 

So how lar? Left E and proceed with L? What if after her class at 10pm? L needs to sleep early and I can imagine my mom screaming her head off when I leave home at 9pm to go out celebrate birthday. And another challenge is my family scheduled family altar time changed to Monday 8-9pm... Ah... Challenge after challenge 😣

My sis said why not celebrate on another day? Well, I was thinking of doing it before her actual birthday since 2 of us definitely can't make it on her actual day. So, I shared this idea and both of them is agreeable! Ha, so my worry if she might not feel good because it's after her birthday etc, is lessen, since it's supported by others. Phew~

Okay, set, Saturday it is. So, I concentrate back on my life for the rest of the Monday afternoon. 

Throughout the week, everyday, I would think, how to do it? Should I make lava cake for her? But lava only lasts a few minutes and my house is 30 mins away... should I bring her kimchi since she likes Korean? Should I just resort to make a almond cake that is nice and special? But I've never bake a cake before.... Will it fail? Should I buy her 🍕? But she just had it for mother's day... All my plans has a problem.

So L suggested to get an ice cream cake which she knows where to source it. Wow~ great idea and though it's not inside scoop but chocolate ice cream, 2 of her favorite food in 1, okay lar. Not my perfect idea but it's a workable idea and doesn't burden any of us too much. So I let L handle the cake. In fact I think L loves her more than I do hahaha... When did this become a competition to gain a friend's love? 🙈

Anyway, the cake is settled but I still think not enough... So continue to day dream about the details and repeating all the what ifs scenarios in my head again and again... Actually no answer also...

Then on her actual day, things happened. Family issues, she felt so down. I thank God we did plan to go on that day and neither the day before because all the happiness will just be gone with the wind because of the family issue! Ah, God is more brilliant as always than my little brain. I'm glad I got this confirmation in my heart that the decision to do it on Saturday wasn't wrong. Although it's a little sadden by her family issue and I couldn't help at all. Just pray that God will carry them through.

Well, my mind didn't stop thinking, so I started asking questions about what we like to eat etc... And found out her dad doesn't like 🍕... So what does she like to eat? 🍗or🍕? She answered 🍔 from MyBurgerLab... My heart drown... How to get this? I forced her to choose 🍗😁.

It was so mind boggling to go through the details again and again. I decided to ask L & E for help. So L asked if I have a plan... Actually I have some thoughts but not really a plan. So, I quickly ecxel-ised my thoughts and ask them for a quick 30mins zoom. Then I could focus back to work again. Arghhhh~ sometimes I hate it when my mind think faster than I act. Which is why a lot of times I thought I've done something but I haven't in actual fact...

I'm surprised E was impressed by my excel... I was like erm... That's the only way I know how.... I'm very excel lady oh.... Hahahaha even I calculate spending using excel also hahaha....

During our zoom meet, I keep repeating the what ifs scenarios again and E stopped me. She said, those things not important. I was like what if I buy KFC but her dad doesn't like? I wish to please everyone of her family member but those are not important! What is most important is to appear physically in front of her eyes. Everything else doesn't matter. For the next couple of days, I had to keep repeating this whenever the what if comes into my mind. It helps. I admire E for her ability to focus!

Busy Friday I had, getting things ready, trying to finish work early to get the booklet from canaanland bookstore, getting my stuff from PJ, and yet to write something for her. I couldn't write anything to her... Aiyo... I feel like I keep writing selfishly which I should focus on her, not how I feel. I couldn't sleep on Friday night, keep peeling my nails off, my sis told me before it's an indicator I'm stressed. 

In the end I had to sleep because of tiredness.

Saturday is D day! I woke up early, water my mom's plants and getting myself some breakfast. The breakfast burned of because of my nervousness within 1 hour of consuming, while writing a card for her and wrapping a book 'The Shack' for Lydia.

I was late and it is hot, I had to take a bath to cool down, then the deliveryman came to deliver my sister's parcel, I had to wash my hands before leaving. Then the car on the road was a lot causing slow traffic... Everything seems to be late but God's is always right!

Smoothly we reach her house, gathered and action starts but Min-D want feeling well and looks pale. But very quickly she acted according and slowly her face recover from paleness. Phew~ God heals through our surprise visit.

Had a great time with her family and I even left with some grass Beng Dai Wun to replant in my house for consumption!

The whole day ended with a solution for my mom to use her phone to connect to TV HDMI. So glad done so many things! 

Felt a great achievement! We hugged even during CMCO. It felt so good to get not just one but 2 hugs, also from her mom!

Wow~ God's guidance and grace from within!

Actually I planned to bring her out or something special on the following Saturday, whole month is her birthday month, but am I too over?!

Up till here. To be continued...

#gratitude #day8of10

Today I felt frustration and headache because of a work task I cannot solve and don't know what was the problem. After taking a short break with a movie "The Shack" over lunch, I released all my negative emotions through tears and after that I'm able to rely on God to regain my concentration and solved the problem! Hooray!

I prayed to God to help me focus, so I can finish my work faster and then can go buy the books needed for my online class and a gift, which is why I was so stressed since morning. But everything went well eventually after lunch.

I also managed to finish church bulletin over lunch cooking haha!

So you think work from home is easy huh. Wait till you experience it. Haha. I need to prepare all my meals and hence eat with my laptop sometimes is inevitable hahaha.

I did went to PJ to grab the books and grab some of my stuff and some groceries! When I got home, I saw 2x2litre milk in the fridge! Oh, someone bought! Then later I found out...

10 packets of cream crackers! And I bought 3 packets too! Everyone went and get something today ha!

Finally got home, in time for prayer meeting. Also on the way to and fro PJ, I finish listening to one sermon about talking with God, enjoying His presence. It says, even if I can't feel & hear Him, I'll choose to rely and trust in Him! That's how I should have a relationship with my God! I will miss my friends but have I ever miss God? That's the question worth asking.

Time to get myself together, prepare for tomorrow!

你是不是你理想对象的理想对象？

看到标题是不是很困惑？最近听万力豪牧师的分享，我觉得他说得好对！

当我们看到我们觉得“这个人就是我的理想对象”时，对方的心里是不是也有同样的感受？我，是不是他心中的理想对象？

自己去听听牧师怎么说吧~

解决方案：我要成为他的理想对象——朝着这个目标前进，我就会被相中 :D 

#gratitude #day7of10 learn to rely on God

It is difficult at first, when it comes to rely on someone, especially someone invisible. 

But then you come to think of it, we rely on air also without seeing it.

So, today I felt so stressed up because my money paid to pizzaexpress but the order was cancelled by the store on that day itself but refund was not. I spent so much time (countless) to look for another way apart from email and found a whatsapp number so I sent a text message but only getting an auto-reply later on.

Well, what else did I not give it up to God?

Thank God for always being there. When I'm weak, He is strong. Now I know what is means.

He will surely show me a way, the way that is good for me and pleases Him. 

So, apart from these little daily things that I feel I can use my human power to get what I want, what else I am holding back from God?

In fact, all areas if I feel I'm so good, easily I will just do it by myself and forget about God's involvement.

Thank God he won't so easily give up because He'd paid a price to redeem me from my sins, so that I can face Him and draw close to Him!

Help me, Father, to give you all I have and to rely on You for all the big or little things in my life. Teach me to surrender bit by bit until I am a pleasing sacrifice to You. Thank You, Lord. 

"This loneliness is killing me" vs “我寂寞寂寞就好” 

Take a look at this video when you're lonely :)

这个影片看看吧，不错治疗寂寞症。

Trust in difficult times

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13 (NLT)

#gratitude #day6of10 What a DAY!

Last night, my chest stuffy, not sure was it because of the black pepper soup or the kimchi. I sleep super early. Woke up at 5am only. No midnight pee, thank God!

I went back to sleep and woke up again around 8am, everything was late. Late breakfast, late to water Mom's vege, late finish breakfast, late to work my friend Happy Birthday, rush to start work, rush to cook lunch, receive parcels, back to work, catch up meeting, water vege, cook dinner, online class, and there goes my day.

No time to translate slides for prayer meeting, no time to follow up on worship service order, no time to order books from canaanland bookstore for free delivery, no time to order my ballpoint pen ink refill, no time to exercise, still many things to do... 

Everything was done for the day, at least I need to sleep first. Catch up tomorrow early morning!

My friend's grandma 200+km away feel down. Nothing we can do to help her or even to cheer her up. God did. God is good all the time! Even in such tough time she managed to pull through by quietly seeking God's guidance and indeed God provided her the peace that transcends all understanding and helped her with a tough decision to go back with her dad to help her grandma or not. I can see she greatly experiences God and our Father in heaven is always faithful and never changes even in our pandemic times!

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen.

每一天都交托

愿耶和华使祂的脸光照你，赐恩给你

这是一个很棒的祷告文。让人充满希望因为把希望放在神那伟大的创造者身上。

#gratitude #day5of10

It supposed to be on 5th May but I was so stressed up about restarting work. I neglected God. I started doubting. Doubting whether my decision is right to go back to workplace.

Well, hopefully a few more times of adjustment, things will ease up a little. Technology really sucks up a lot of time. But then why do I feel that? What is more important?

What is so important that when the time is occupied by something less important, I feel lived less?

Thank God yesterday after that sweaty time of 1.5 hours of mopping, I was enabled to get myself back and with a good nap. Plus tonight where all the things are brought to light with the little group of sisters.

Some dark secrets need light to purify it. Not remained in darkness anymore. 

I'm sleepy after starting work. May tonight be a good rest and tomorrow a better day!

#gratitude #day4of10

First day returning to work, a little bit overwhelmed by the length of meetings. Because I'm only listening to the online meeting, no videos, feel so difficult to concentrate and easily distracted. Gotta rebuild my momentum and stamina to work!

Thank God, I pulled through the whole day and though getting very little done but at least I know I'm accepted by the team. Regardlessly, I know where I am and why I'm back. It's the most peaceful decision to make for now.

I'm thankful for my sister, who prepared lunch for me and my mom who prepared dinner for me! I'm so blessed.

I'm thankful for brother Soon Lih to help with church PowerPoint slides to relieve me from it as I just started working.

Thankful that I'm a child of God and no matter what happens, I know God is there and he speaks in a gentle, loving way for me to hear him with a soft heart.

Thankful for God's guidance through a rocky day.

Thankful my bro and his wife is with us at the dinner table and good food were shared!

Thankful that SL reminded me of the slides and I got it sorted tonight so I can have 1 day to work on it.

God is good all the time, all the time God is good!

Hoping for a better tomorrow and an early wake! Goodnight, God. See you tomorrow!

#gratitude #day3of10

So, today is a busy day, morning worship service, lunch, 2 hour class, updates on upcoming Wed's talk slides, mom's Sunday School material digitization, dinner, and now continue to finish up the slides...

I feel so tired now and sleepy...

Anyway, to thank God, there are always things to thank God for:

1. Thank God, I found out why my youngest brother didn't attend physical Sunday Worship Service-- he's been hanging out with friends for drinks. 
2. Thank God, my youngest brother said he is going to stop drinking altogether.
3. Thank God, I realised my pride in dressing up for worship service, and I repented and focus on God.
4. Thank God, I learned a great lesson from today's sermon.
5. Thank God, I am blessed with skills that is appreciated by my company to accept me back after 4 months sabbatical leave.
6. Thank God, He loves me, period.
7. Thank God, period.
8. Thank God for the wonderful dinner my brother and mom made!
9. Thank God my sister ordered KFC for lunch today!
10. Thank God my sister baked us a burnt cheese cake!
11. Thank God my father distributed the holy communion and said a prayer today!
12. Thank God today is so peaceful.
13. Thank God my mom confessed her anger to us this morning.
14. Thank God there are many things to thank God for.
15. Thank God I'm on the 15th items, my basketball shirt number, still love it! God granted talent to play basketball!
16. Thank God June offered to pray for me today for my work to begin tomorrow.
17. Thank God last night we (the 4 sisters group) had a good laugh instant messaging~

There are yet plenty to thank God for. How can I not thank God for not giving up on me, supplying all my needs, revealing His love to me, ...

hahaha, today is a blessed day~ 

I hope tomorrow I will rely on Him to run another grateful and victorious day!

Tomorrow is my #firstdaywork after 4 months leave, I pray that God will continue to be my daily focus and guide me to live a balance life.

I'm so loved 😍

Last words, everytime good things come, the next challenge will be right next. So, be prepared!

#gratitude #day2of10

Thank God; thank you, Jesus, thank you...

I never know I blame myself so much for his passing away without a chance to accept Jesus Christ...

Lord Jesus,

I thank you for the healing through tears, to touch me with your freedom -- true freedom from all guilt, self-condemnation.

It is not my fault, I used to keep telling myself but statements cannot free me from all the guilt feeling.

To me, it was a chore, a homework, to share the gospel to anyone. I didn't have much experience with Jesus Christ back then. I tried once shared with 1 close friend but it didn't work out as per my expectation, so I kinda gave up.

In 2016, he was infected with dengue fever, and 1 week from the day I visited him in hospital, which is already in induced coma situation, he left. I never had a chance to share with him, to get him to know Christ.

I felt so responsible for his salvation, which is again, not my responsibility.

Jesus Christ, I thank you for releasing me from this bondage. Set me free so that when I share your gospel, it is a gospel of freedom.

Thank you, Jesus.

I pray in the Mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

==========

• Releasing me from self-blaming
• Healing me from the guilt of not "saving" my friend

自由

私の日記: 受伤: 用祷告把一切交托给神。重新信靠祂。

＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋

我弃绝我对(某人) 的(憎恨/生气 etc)
因为他(列出其行为), 我感到(受伤，委屈 etc)。
主，我饶恕/原谅并祝福 (某人)。

主，我今天选择将这些(愤怒，罪，恐惧，etc)交给你。

[现在你把这些思想放在一个盒子/袋子里，交给主]. 等候主启示的画面/话语 etc

奉耶稣基督的名，我砍断和(某人) 所有不合神心意的连接/魂结, 收回我对(某人) 因为仇恨而给予的权柄。

***

你可以继续祷告
求主指引,当你将要面对(某人) ，你如何回应(某人).

＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋＋

我不知道当初这个祷告文是从哪里来的。但是最近一个朋友带领我再做了一次。这次，真的放下了、自由了！

相信耶稣不是为了有个宗教可以依靠。相信耶稣使人得自由，真正得自由！

你要自由吗？

Can God "undo" some of my regrets?

I think of deaths in my life today, 3 of my loved ones:

1. My grandmother, when I was 9 years old. Air ticket to Sarawak from KL is still very expensive, we took midnight flight after close shop to rush back but she's already gone in her sleep peacefully. I wish I'd die like her without pain, just old age and just retire into sleep and gone.
2. My friend, Cheong Chung Hoe, 1984-2016. He passed away because of dengue fever at the age of 32. He is one cheerful guy, funny, and sometimes heart warming with his friendly and lovely acts. 
3. My uncle, mom's youngest brother. He died alone in his apartment when everyone was at some events or away from home. Sudden heart failure if not mistaken. Life's so short, at 51 he left his wife and 4 kids and his parents too.

Life's sometimes just too short to feel regret. Can God "undo" them? 

Well, live everyday like it's the last day of your life. Love as much as you can.

I wish~

#gratitude #day1of10

Today it's the first day, to start a new habit of gratitude.

So, well, there are many things to thank God for:

1. Confirmation on my job, last night a friend contacted me about her offer is no longer available. Thank God I didn't go into that job and found out I need to find another job just after 1 month :)
2. A rainy day for the cold weather
3. Completed my church slides and bulletin! Spent 2 days this week due to many materials to make into slides.

Well, 3 is consider many lor~ hahaha

• I did my squat exercise also, was feeling lazy but for the good of my physical body.
• Started this habit for next 10 days to write down my daily gratitude.

Frozen

I missed my sleeping time again. I couldn't wait to watch Frozen after my mom told me it was good. My mom seldom give good comments even for Chinese movies but she just mentioned Frozen is good even though it's an English movie with Chinese Subtitle.

After watching it, now I fully understood the song Let it go! It's the fear, let go of the fear of being me! Free myself from being what others expect me to be! Elsa was the eldest sister born with powers she doesn't know how to control and in order not to hurt others anymore after Anna's accident, she shut herself up even to Anna.

When Anna was again hurt by Elsa's uncontrolled anger, her heart was frozen. Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart! Indeed the one true love can only be found in God the Father, who, have His only begotten Son to save us all while we're still sinners! That's the love I've experienced! Don't you want to have that life too? The life with the love of your life -- Jesus Christ!

Continue into Frozen II, "Into the UNKNOWN". What's the unknown that we fear to dive deep into it? The truth will set you free even though it might be shocking and painful, even challenging to get there but freedom is the ultimate hope. It's the truth that's to be revealed, the truth about my beauty, the truth about me, this being, the truth of how God sees me, how my Father God sees me. Ah, how I love to watch movies again for these inspiring moments and eye opening scenes! 

I hope L would learn something from it. Fear is the one thing that makes us continue to hurt others, both Frozen & Frozen II shows that. First Elsa, then her grandfather. Overtook by fear and we're trapped by ourselves, eventually hurt the people we love. God knows, and the unknown is something exciting because of the freedom we get when we just bravely take the next right step to uncover the truth that will free everyone including myself. One step at a time, just one step. 

How I wish to give L a hug to tell her, you're loved, so wonderfully loved by our Father God! No love compares to that. I pray that the Holy Spirit will touch you mightily, to allow you to experience that great freedom in the area that you're getting over. Let the truth set you free!

Thank God for these movies to show how complicated human emotions are. One bright sister always hopeful but when struck by death of loved ones, still feel sad and challenged to even take one step; Another one frightened, locked up, closed up, by the great love and security she has in her identity became brave to overcome the great unknown! Both sisters, holding each other, facing what they fear the most, can do the next right thing to hold each other up because of Love.

When I am down, you've hold me up, both my sisters in Christ and Christ Himself. I'm so so grateful!

Anna: When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?
Elsa: What would I do without you?
Anna: You'll always have me.

Isn't this the same like our Father God?
Father: When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?
Me: What would I do without you?
Father: You'll always have me.

Time to catch some sleep~ XOXO Nites

Boundary 界线

我在学习怎么设界线。

从前，我每次在餐桌上就会因为长辈的爱心吃到撑。后来，有人告诉我，只要你不把碗碟里的食物吃完，他们就不会夹给你了。哦？！果然有效哦！后来连家人也尊重我，不再用“求求你”的眼光让我觉得非把食物吃完才行。

但是，我在工作上就是无法保持这样的平衡。今天，一个客户公司的员工似乎让我去查看是不是我的报告有问题。我告诉他，我得请我的同事查，因为不是我亲手做的报告。他用一种不爽的眼神看着我。结果，我还是自己留下来查了。

这个举动让我又累又饿，我是挨着饿做完了研究，回复了电邮才离开公司。我真的很气我自己为什么不能放手。结果今天原本该做的工作没有完成。怎么办才好？我又恨又不知道为什么自己这样。

这界线虽然看不见却是每一个人生命当中很重要的学习。

---

9/12/2019 写的。没写完，今天补完整了最后一句。

20/4/20

今年，每个月的二十号都是好日子。20/4/20，20/5/20，20/6/20……

好好珍惜，有些东西习惯了不代表不会失去，没有了不代表不懂珍惜。

加油！每个不如意是一个崭新的挑战；每个称心如意也同时是居安思危的契机。

原来，人生没有什么过不去。过不去的是我们自己的情绪，咽不下那口气就看不到前面的新天地。

失败并没有什么大不了；反而是从未失败过的人才可悲。连人生里面最基本的过程——失败——都未曾经历过！

20/4/20
- 不如意之事十之八九
- 严以律己；宽以待人
- 失败乃成功之母
- 决不放弃（任遭何事，不要惧怕，天父必看顾）
- 就算是别人的错也不代表我不可以道歉；为那个状况感到抱歉，为了挽回关系而道歉

写下来就会印象深刻，以后可以用到哦~

不知道我到30/4/30的时候会是什么样子的？我还会认得自己从前是什么样的吗？

十年又十天~

绿豆是用绿豆种出来的吗？

原来就是！孤陋寡闻看一看：https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/21646466

亲密关系 Intimate Relationship

哪哪哪，看到题目不要想歪。我指的是友情。

我要讲一件事，我不知道是圣灵的提醒或者是自己的敏感。

最近，我和M的私讯比较频繁，我开始有一个声音/感觉提醒我要减少/停止这种接触。

前一阵子，我和L也是比较常私底下联络，我们还因为去参加会议等等住在同一个房间，然后我就开始也有这样的感觉，就是似乎太亲密了需要隔离一下。 我反思:
为何会有这样的反应，因为我也很害怕我会产生一些不应该有的感觉而破坏了我们的友情。

是因为我不习惯亲密的关系吗？

昨天我看了Sacred Vow，里面的丈夫因为没有和妻子时常保持亲密而忘了他对妻子的爱。我是不是因为不常有亲密关系而会感到不可思议/产生对抗的想法为了避免毁灭性的结局。我不确定。

初中一的时候，确实我和一个朋友的友情变成了我对她的情感依赖。后来，又因为这种不健康的亲密而导致我们冷战了1年，变成了普通朋友。我很伤心，一方面希望可以继续建立亲密的友情但是又觉得不晓得如何可以健康地发展。

我是不是又再一次面对这样的挑战？从喜欢的感觉变成了不健康的亲密？

---
Nah, nah, nah, don't think wrongly about the topic, what I mean is intimate friendship.

I want to tell something, I do not know whether it's a prompting of the Holy Spirit or it's my own sensitivity.

Recently, I've been frequently personal messaging M and after a few days I hear a voice / feeling reminding me to reduce the frequency or stop this type of contact.

A while back, I also have a lot of personal contact with L, we even share a room because we attend the same conference. After a some time, I felt the same too, as if the relationship is too intimate and need distancing.

As I reflect:

Why would I have such a reaction? Probably is because I'm afraid it could develop into some inappropriate feelings and destroy our friendships.

Was it because I'm not used to intimate relationships?

I watched the movie Sacred Vow last night, the husband in the movie neglected the intimacy time with his wife and forgotten his love for her. So I thought, was it because I seldom have intimate relationships therefore I feel beyond comprehension or has developed a defensive thought to avoid a destructive ending? I'm not sure.

When I was studying form 1, I did have a good friend but I was emotionally dependent on her. Because of such unhealthy relationship, we ended up with 1 year of cold water, and become just friend. I feel sad about it. On one hand I hope we could continue to have this intimate friendship but on the other hand I do not know how to continue healthily.

Is this the same challenge coming back again? From the mere liking becomes unhealthy intimacy?

^^^***^^^

I pray to God, ask for His forgiveness for the broken relationship in form 1. To comfort the friend in God's own unique way. I'm happy that she is happily married and has a kid now. I hope she is not affected by the past we shared and has moved on healthily. Oh, God, help me to develop healthy intimate friendships as we all need to have close friends. May God oversees our development, let me be transparent and allow them to continue to walk together as close friends. As we all need healthy friendships to encourage us, to cheer us up, to journey together in life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

越认识越沮丧

为什么要认识自己？

越认识我越沮丧

我，就是和别人不同。但是不被接受。

My uniqueness is a curse! 

I should be like everybody else except me!

我可以

像我妈那么有优先秩序；

像我大弟那么精细分析；

像我妹那么潇洒；

像我小弟那么健美帅气；

像我爸那么爱吃零嘴；

就是不可以像我！

甚至要像基督那么博爱公义~

Who am I? But nobody because I need to be somebody.

防疫咨询--记得有困难就打电话

几乎每一天都收到新冠肺炎抗疫期间有24小时的咨询服务。是为什么？

是因为他们知道

1. 困在家里会疯掉？

2. 和家人困在一起会忧郁？

3. 不能和家人以外的人见面会活不下去？

其实可能这段期间的自杀率是最低的。

人想要生存的意志力是最强的。

感恩的心是最大的。

Struggle.Battle.Conflict.Storm

I've abandoned my blog since January 2020, immediately after I make a wish to do a weekly journal...

Malaysia has gone into such a long period of Movement Control Order (MCO) where humans are trapped in their own homes like a zoo.

Parents and children, grandparents even, kids, adults, young and old, everyone under one roof are not allowed to simply go out on their own except for the leader of the family to do groceries shopping.

It has been a great challenge to me and it's getting greater when the "lockdown" extends. I wish the "lockdown" is over because I'm beginning to feel suffocating living with others. I can't be myself because "I am just not reaching standard", I need to become the "standard" way of living, otherwise I'm rebellious!

What have I become? A rebellious, not following order, individualistic daughter, who is selfish, and not helpful.

So, now the "me" has been magnified because I couldn't swallow down the statement above. But is that true? Yes, perhaps but I cannot accept it.

If I'm so disastrous, please take away my life and buried me 6 feet under. Why still keeping me alive?

If God accepted me as who I am, why do I need to live up to His standard? What is the freedom I have to be me? Or should I not be me but someone else? I see, the answer is to be Jesus Christ, the ultimate human standard! Who am I? Why is "I" so important?

But God accepted me, "me" isn't it? Or He just accepted "me" to become like Him?


I'm battling with God because I cannot see myself clearly without "hearing" the things coming out of my mother's mouth.

"You never have joy"
"You never help"
"You are always angry"
"Cincai lar, you choose lar"

I need to be ever-loving, ever-joyful, ever-helpful, ever-energetic, ever-able, ever-calm, ever-obey, ever-abiding, ever-n, you can add on the list. But I am just never!

Then I ask God to take away my life, take away my existence, wipe me out from history, so that I never even existed on this earth. Wipe out all of me in other people's history as well. I'm not there.


没有我，地球依然转动；
有了我，地球没有变动。

Conflicting thoughts, who am I? Why is there I? I? I am not I. Me not me.


My heart is experiencing storm, identity crisis, not knowing who I am? Why I am living? Why do I even bother to life a good life? Do I even worth living?

I remembered years ago, I threw away a full bag of all my medals, my trophies, along with my self-worth. I'm worth nothing more than those medals/trophies which are now merely thrash. Moments of being the most valuable person in the field, the ability to be a key player in the team, all gone down into the bin.

Why do I throw them away if they represents me so much? Because they are worthless to my mother. They are merely dust collecting decorations!


I really wish to go if God allows. I said, I'm willing to be infected by COVID-19 and just be gone~

Who cares? Those who care, I ask God to wipe out their memory about me.

Let me sister have no sister to remember, my mother has only 1 daughter, my friends have never met me, my brothers have only 1 sister, my father remembers only 1 daughter, and everyone never ever met me. I'm but just some junk to be decluttered.

Week 2 of 2020

This year, I decided to write a weekly journal at the end of every week.

A week of blurry vision and headaches. 

A week of reflecting my diet and health.

A time to think about God's word. God's blessings in difficult times

A time to think of a new career or work or job or role.

A time to upkeep my car. Given it a good bath and a new set of wheels. Vroom Vroom~

A friend "forced" me to the park to walk after my long day of sleeping. Reviewing all my failures and encouraging me to restart with help.

I am so uncertain and feel helpless abput the future. Sometimes I can behave and self discipline, sometimes I just overdo or don't care much. How lar, in the beginning of year already have this kind of mindset haha. Start with the end in mind, I think I started with the end already hahaha.

Okay, time to be serious. So, this year, don't talk about 12 months but first 3 months is crucial for me to bring my BG and HbA1C down. I don't know how low it can go, I hope and plan to go within 7 from 13. So, I need to start OMAD, LCIF, and every possible ways to get back my life. I felt lethargic all the time with this body and it's condition. And to commit this to God as He will be my guide, I just need to walk closely with Him and listen and take heed of what He says/whispers. And execute or act on what I heard. That's enough.

Oh, by the way, I plan to copy some Bible verses during lunch time as I learn to fast (may be + pray as my friend suggested). Let's do 1 and increase by 1 everyday. Gambatte 💪

God's blessings will always be there in times of battles. I just need to be able to see / discern. As I walk, I will see His act and see how He is working and work together with Him. He will bring me through.

Week 2 done!

思想 thoughts

有时候我会有一些邪恶或者不好的思想。如果说出来，真的会很伤人。

我好累，我无法控制这些消极思想的出现，更无法抑制它们的存在。我已经被涂污了，需要很多的排毒。

可是思想怎么排毒？

弟兄们，我还有未尽的话：凡是真实的、可敬的、公义的、清洁的、可爱的、有美名的，若有什么德行，若有什么称赞，这些事你们都要思念。

腓立比书 4:8 CUNPSS-神

https://bible.com/bible/48/php.4.8.CUNPSS-神

啊~好难啊~~~

Full of energy 充满活力

最近我认识一个新朋友。一个充满活力的女生！

好久没有一大早起来就已经充满活力。每天赶上班，为了“我也不知道为什么”的理由。

今天早上和她吃早餐，真的发现自己没有她那么有精力。我的一切动作和她相比之下好像老太婆一样。真的是因为年纪的差别？还是因为我太久没锻炼了？虽然打球的时候也不是那么敏捷但不致于如今这般颓废。

啊~是时候检讨一下自己，是不是该开始锻炼锻炼了！

做什么事会让我开心？

我在哪一方面绑架了我自己？

https://youtu.be/bRtBHF-WPpM

自由是选择的权利。我真的自由了吗？

Gluttony

Have I ever written a post with such title? Can't remember.

Anyway, let me tell you how gluttony looks like with my dinner last night:

1) 8 pcs of Oden with Shabu noodle from Family Mart

2) 1 Big breakfast sandwich (with egg, ham, cheese and white bread)

3) 1 pc of matcha hanjuku cheese cake

4) 200ml of Farm Fresh Milk

5) 3 pcs KFC Cheesy Fried Chicken

6) 1 small cup of KFC coleslaw

7) 1 small cup of KFC mash potatoes with sauce

8) 1 cup of regular KFC pepsi black

9) 1L bottle of coke light with salt & ice

10) 150ml of A&W carbonated water

11) 100g of chacheer cream flavoured sunflower seeds

12) 200ml of plain water

Wow~ what a night to drenched in loneliness with food.

And then I sleep for 10 hours to digest all the food.

What a journey.

糗

今晚提早下班和友人看了场电影「Last Christmas」。女主角做了一些糗事，让我想起了当年。

那些年，我们曾经做过的糗事。

我想起我曾经很兴奋地穿起裙子👗去上班希望引起我心仪男生的注意。结果，很多人都说很好看啊，不错啊，等等非常悦耳的话。唯独那个我想引起注意的男生无动于衷🤦🏻‍♀️。

会想起这事可能是因为友人问，你觉得我这个样子会有人注意到我吗？

我其实想告诉她，注不注意到并不是你家的事，而是他家的事，因为各人眼光不同。不过不知道我哈拉了什么，希望她明白我的意思，也就不要在意别人的眼光。

糗。过往曾经...

I will cast all my cares upon You

要站起來不一定要先跌倒；但是跌倒了一定要想站起來

To stand up, one does not need to fall but after fell down, one must desire to stand up

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYKi7LuxRTs

当我跌倒的时候，我没有了想站起来的欲望，我跌坐在地上，自怜自唉。耶稣静静地站在我身旁，用父亲慈爱的眼神深情地望着我，伸出了他的手让我搀扶。

好长一段时间，天父总是在等待。等待我这个不愿意站起来的女儿。不愿意，不是没有欲望，而是害怕再一次的跌倒。

耶稣不单愿意让我拉着他的手，他还把我抱进了怀里。我把双手为着这位亲爱的颈项，轻声对他说：好吧，带我到你要我去的地方吧。不是用我的双腿，而是让他扛着我到那个我不知道的未来。

Message Therapy

And I just coined this new term "message therapy". I had a really long instant messaging time with a friend over WhatsApp and yes, she did help me through a tough day, in fact 2 tough days to be precise.

Lots of things like a thick mucus in a stuffy nose stuck in my brain causing a foggy brain, function-less. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't focus, couldn't be creative. And yet again, similar situation happened before in the past. Except this time, there's one person, who's willing to be the listening ear and attentive eyes to read my messages, respond to them and created a conversation that's light and enjoyable.

I am the eldest among my siblings and I didn't have any elder siblings to sometimes depend on. Well, she is like a big sister to me. Her experiences helped me to reflect on my own and her keep watch through prayers did comfort me a lot and also act as a reminder for me.

So, she asked, what would you do to draw yourself away from the bad habits? How can I help as a friend. Yet, I do not have an answer. Being the eldest means I have to be the example, so it's so strange to accept help from others even more from a closer one. Perhaps the new year, new term, new beginning, is also a new journey for me to begin with, to start "living" in a community, depend on the life of others to grow, and at the same time to be dependent through my life story of how God has helped me through tough times.

Out of the topic, I do realised, sometimes when I couldn't interpret sincerely, it's because I have yet to accept the truth myself. So I couldn't even utter the same words from the speaker.

Well, now that I know message therapy could work on me. Next, is for me to be ready, to help another who need such a time and attention.

May the Lord be glorified.

New~Plan~

"Be Ready" He said. "What to be ready for? And What is to be ready?" I wondered.

A new year is coming soon. It's the toughest time of the year again, with the issues in workplace, the much needed time and effort for church ministry, and the all new resolution for the new year.

All is needed is the quiet time to be with my Lord. To hear Him, to talk to Him, to come up with a new plan he has installed for me. To fix my eyes on Him, who is my redeemer and the only person I should be focusing my attention on.

In the beginning of this year 2019, He has renewed my mind to see His greatness, His holiness, and slowly His righteousness, His pureness, His beauty, and my worth. 

I am indeed His beautiful holy bride 👰, He is my groom.

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So, let's anticipate what's installed for me eh? 😎

雨•录

雨天已经不再是想念她的日子。过去让它过去。

今天不舒服仍然上班了。和老板说了6个月的假期。还在等回复。

状态不好的我，工作都办不好。和M还有L聊了。好过一点了。

祈求上帝使我心意更新而变化，在他的同在里成长，成为合神心意的女人。

生活？生存？

很努力吃好的，运动--维持健康的身体

后来，12、13、14、15、16小时在公司... 我在想干嘛不干脆住在公司？反正有浴室，有沙发，有水就住得了。

为什么？为什么工作？为什么要完成工作？为什么不可以接受自己做不到？大家都在努力，可是就是达不到目标。拼死一搏值得吗？

什么是值得？值得什么？

每个人都只有24小时。你会如何使用？什么是值得你花精力在这时间的限制里去完成的？有什么是你愿意花所有的时间去达到的？

我谴责自己做不到，甚至觉得为什么其他人需要我每个细节都帮助？我开始产生苦毒。为什么我必须把时间精力都给你们？为什么你们自己不能独立去完成？我，这是多管闲事吗？

回忆起从前有个同学骂我：不要多管别人的事。我的强烈好奇心被北冰洋的水泼了一把。从那时起，我很努力控制我的好奇心。我自己怎么，我管得了；别人怎么了，我不管了。你要帮助吗？你自己努力吧。

我牺牲了健康来完成工作，值得吗？
为了完成工作，我开始喝咖啡因饮料，结果换来的是什么？
尽了最大的努力，我还是不能达标。我为什么坚持？

如果我有机会重来会一样吗？
也许他们也觉得我不称职。

为了坚持，我不知道哭了多少次。我很辛苦。同时中挣扎着要完成，还要帮助同事我才能完成。分派出去的工作我还是得自己去跟进。结果还是卡在我身上。

朋友说：如果有一天你倒下了，明天马上就会有接替你的人。那你为什么那么拼？那不过是一份工作而已。你为什么不照顾好自己的健康？

健康就是花时间运动，休闲，稳定心跳，交交朋友，吹吹水，逛逛街，早睡早起，读经祷告，吃吃均衡的食物，有自制能力，生活规律。结果我是几乎每一晚都在心里抱怨“又吃不到晚餐了”。别人是这样吗？我妈问。我不去电影院了，我看10分钟看电影的说电影人制作的短片精髓。我寻找晚上甚至凌晨还在营业的店铺。每晚都报到。有时候真的很累，在车上睡了一觉才继续开回家。又或者开到店那里，太累了，在车上睡到他们打烊惊醒了我才又继续回家。

我是一粒麦子吗？非得死了才有用处？

思前想后

虽然觉得这个工程真的做不下去。

可是，怎么样才能脱离？

看着老板，真的不忍心告诉他，我不行了。

可是我如果倒下去，我不会被怜惜。下一刻马上就会有替代我的人。

我是为什坚持留下来？

我真的有贡献吗？
我的付出是值得的吗？

最近一直想把老板的电话号码传给我妈，似乎担心自己真的坚持不了。

行不行

拥挤的轻快铁，承载着各种不同的人。快要窒息的我，夹在背着婴儿的妈妈和车门中间…凌晨五点半被吓醒，听到了敲门声。今天又是status update的日子。好痛苦。为什么，我思索。身体充满的完全只是瞌睡的力量…

回复了S.T的分享。觉得那才是让我稍有热忱的事情。每天的工作都没有比作家务来得更使人振奋。看来我不行了。

思

今晚的天气很好，我睡不着。喝着不应该喝的可乐，很颓废的说。

离开房间，穿上跑步鞋去附近的篮球场散步。

大概2个小时，开始累了。旁边有个Futsal足球场，有一群年轻的印度男生在练球。我陪着他们到了凌晨两点多。

篮球场的灯光明媚，我边走边看“我们与恶的距离”。思想着到底我做什么会感到快乐。我没想到，但是我知道，以前我打篮球最快乐。可惜家里不支持，中学毕业后随兴参加了大学的校园比赛还有一场雪州赛就结束了我短短几年的篮球生涯。并不灿烂但是我喜欢。不是我最耀眼最强大的运动项目，但是团体一起奋斗的感觉很棒。

突然觉得篮球场何时变得那么大，走得好累。

后来听见有人喊aunty，只见足球飞到了我面前。我给他们踢了回去。还好，有踢准。

不知道自己什么时候从小姐变成大姐，现在还变成大妈了。虽然可以毫不在乎别人的眼光、标签。可是真的听到了，真的是挺刺耳的。

再后来，我又想，5年10年后，我想成为怎么样的一个人？

...还是没有答案。

最近的工作很压抑。我自己做不来却没有足够的资源可以做好。我已经不晓得该如何是好，只能一直延期。我不知道还可以撑多久因为已经开始忧郁、崩溃了。是我吗？还是工作？

有人说，是时候换工作了。东家不打打西家。可是我觉得就是我的个性问题。每每都是自己给自己太大压力。及格就可以了，不是吗？及格是不需要努力的，我总觉得。我这种完美主义倾向者要拿最后一名还是有困难的。

不知道从什么时候开始我变成这样。我比较喜欢以前打球的自己可是那个时候也并不是我最理想的人生。什么时候开始怕输，怕成绩不好，怕工作表现不好。以前从来就不读书也不以为意；打球一般般，靠的不过是身材高大，没什么 可夸的。大学的时候吧，成绩突飞猛进。不怎么熬夜也得了不错的成绩。虽然不是第一名但也算是佼佼者。难道因此我开始害怕？

Slavery to Liberty

Although I've never been physically enslaved, I was spiritual bound by the selfish urges and desires to do nothing good for myself and others. It is practically enslaved within like a driver gone rogue on the road speeding down the street losing control of his car.